Children of Night and Snow

31. They Didn't Deserve You

Devan eventually returned. There were no apologies from him, just silence. And I didn't expect any either. Ultimately, he was the person who brought me into the group. He was the one who offered to teach me how to be useful when nobody else thought I could be. He likely saw me as his responsibility. My failures were his as well. And if it was failure such as causing us to go hungry, he had full right to be upset. Even if his words to me stung still, mainly because they forced me to face the inevitable truth. Even if none of them said it out loud before, this was what they thought of my people. Of me. We were weaklings to them. They didn't even consider us wolves anymore.

Devan and Nolan began to work on the deer we brought with us to the cave. Skinning them, carving out their insides and cutting them up into pieces. I sat nearby, watching, observing the process. It made me sick to my stomach, but I still forced myself to watch and do my best to learn, knowing full well next time I would be expected to help no matter how repulsed I was by the sight. Because that's what life here was. Life or death. The rest was just a distraction, insignificant.

Eventually as the night drew closer and we all needed to get as much rest as possible before our way home tomorrow, I swallowed my feeling of disgust and at least helped to bag bloody meat into the prepared bags we had with us. Whatever the guys thought, they didn't voice or show it. And so we worked in silence until all three deer were almost completely stripped to their bones. Then we dragged the carcases outside, a further away from the cave, for scavengers to have their bits if they stumbled across them.

"I'll take the first watch," I said unsure where my confidence came from. I was exhausted after the day, but also too alert and shaken to fall asleep anytime soon.

"Are you sure?" Nolan asked, concern clear in his voice.

"Positive. Get some rest," I replied, giving him a small smile.

"Here's the watch. Wake me up in about three hours and I'll take over," Devan said and set the watch in front of me. Then we all shifted and the boys went to sleep, leaving me alone with my thoughts.I could smell the blood and death we brought with us from the woods, a smell I suspected I'd be smelling more and more often. Still, even in my grimm reality I felt somewhat lighter as I sat there, staring into the darkness, only the sound of fire and two sleeping heartbeats to keep me company. As a weight was lifted off my shoulders when I finally told my story out loud.

It made it all real somehow. The past nearly eighteen years of my life which now seemed so distant from what I've grown to know. They were real, the people in them were real, what happened to me was real. And neither Nolan, nor Devan judged me for it. After months of being afraid to face my own past, I felt relief. It was mixed with sorrow, but it was relief never the same.

"Devan? It's your turn, wake up," I sent a message down the mental link. Devan was up and ready within seconds. It was admirable really. Especially because he was the one to always take the middle shifts. This meant his sleep was broken up in two and he likely got no proper rest at all.

"Any incidents?" he asked, I shook my head.

"I'll go to sleep then," I said after a minute of silence between us and went to my spot next to Nolan to lie down.

"Freya," I heard Devan's voice in my head just as I began to slowly fall asleep. I looked at him questioningly with my tired eyes. "For what it's worth, they didn't deserve you. Your people I mean..." There was sadness in his voice as he said that, something so unusual for him even if it was only his inner voice. Devan didn't usually show his feelings. Twice in one day was something I would never expect to see.

"Why is that?" I asked, not really understanding his words.

"Because none of them chose to follow you here," he replied. "Get some rest. We have a long day ahead of us tomorrow," he said, when I didn't respond.

"Good night, Devan," I said back, my mind heavy with questions. Should they have followed me here? We didn't even know what exactly here was. Should they really have abandoned everything only to walk with to what was most likely my death? I wouldn't want them to, would I? Or was I selfish enough to drag them with me if they offered? Was I happy they stayed behind, safe in the peaceful lands of summer? Or was I resentful for the same reason? I drifted off to sleep thinking what would have been different if Olivia, Sheyla, mom or dad were here with me. Wondering if things would have been easier if that was the case.

I woke up menacing growls and a sound of tearing flesh. Panic shot through me and I was wide awake and ready in my fighting stance, growling myself before I could even realize I was doing it or what exactly was going on, acting on an instinct which Devan, Nolan and Connor spent past months trying to awaken in me. Two of the three were now standing in front of me, facing another unknown wolf, who based on the growling and the posture definitely didn't come to chat and hang out in the middle of the night.

"It's a rogue. I'll take care of it. Freya, feel the surroundings and let Devan know if you sense more of them," Nolan said in my head. Fear held me in its clutches as I watched my boyfriend and the intruder circle around each other. But I couldn't afford to hesitate again. Our lives were on the line. So I kept my position and focused my senses, trying to hear or smell anyone, anything that could put us in disadvantage.

"I can't sense anyone else. It seems he came alone," I replied, sending the message to both Nolan and Devan who now stood guard between the intruder and me with our supplies.

"Nolan, stop playing with your food, we don't have time for bullshit," Devan sounded annoyed, but absolutely calm, not a hint of worry in his expression. And down the link, I heard Nolan chuckle in response. Were they enjoying this?

I stared in shock and horror as Nolan finally attacked, turning himself and his opponent in a blur I could barely follow. The stranger managed to his Nolan's side with his claws, but that was ultimately his only success before Nolan increased the speed of his attacks, moving in unpredictable ways until he knocked his opponent on the ground, sunk his deep into his torso and then mercilessly ripped out the now helpless wolf's throat out.

There was no remorse in Nolan's actions. Just brutal, merciless murder. I watched the wolf in front of us shift back into its human form as life left her eyes. Her. It was a woman. She was covered in dirt and scars, lying in the quickly growing pool of her own blood. Her now empty eyes looking directly at me. I flinched back at the sight, holding back any sound that threatened to escape my throat. 

"Sorry you had to see me like that, honey," Nolan's voice sounded so casual in my head. I wasn't sure what horrified me more. The fact that he could do this or that he didn't seem to care at all.

"Don't worry, you'll get used to this. It's like shifting, after so many times, it stops affecting you. It's just part of who you are," he added as he approached me. I was frozen in place. I could smell the blood on him, hear it dripping from him where he stood next to me. And I was unable to get a word out.

"You're a... you just..." I couldn't even properly form my thoughts as I watched Devan examine the body.

"Freya, yesterday we were out there killing three deer. This is not that different," Nolan said.

"But she was one of us!" I exclaimed.

"No, she was a rogue. And she would have killed us if she had the chance. In fact, killing us was precisely what she intended to do, when she came here," Devan responded.