Children of Night and Snow

64. Now Fight!

Feeling of dread hung in the air when we all woke up the next morning to get ready for our training. Breakfast was silent as usual, but the tension somehow escalated yet nobody seemed to know why. It was just there. That in itself was just making me feel even worse about training with the whole group today. I was already doubting my skills as it was. Did I improve enough? Will they see it? Will Az see it? The idea of finding out today that I made no real progress in over two months was enough to give me nightmares. But I refused to show just how nervous and exhausted I was.

Az' lessons were drilled into my very soul. Our training was not just about the fighting and physical skill set. It was also about controlling my emotions. About showing only what I needed to show or nothing at all. The art of deceit without words. Because we both knew there was a solid chance I would encounter someone stronger than me, but that didn't mean I had to lose. There were advantages everywhere if I could create them and effectively use them. From the way I carried myself, how I was able to act, to my fighting stance, ability to think of quick and unexpected solutions and willingness to do absolutely anything to survive. And I already had the last one going for me. If the past year taught me anything, it was that.

When we arrived into the gym, where the rest of our group usually trained, I was surprised to see we weren't alone, just the eight of us. There were quite a few others today, most of them already working out, the list of requirements in front of them as they recorded their results. At the sight we just exchanged confused looks. It dawned on me that this probably wasn't the usual occurrence, because my friends' faces seemed just as full of confusion as my own must have been in that moment. But before I could ask what was happening, we heard the heavy gym door open and close with a bang and a general entered the room. This was not twins' uncle, whom we haven't seen since our introduction here and who's name I failed to ask. This was a different general, yet not any less menacing.

Everybody stopped in their tracks and stood up straight, pretty much ready to salute. The aura of this man commanded authority so much, we already felt like we were his soldiers. I realized that his presence in the building was the likely source of the uneasiness we all felt. And it also brought those, who considered themselves too good for daily training, into the gym. Which given my secluded training, I didn't notice just how many of them were this confident. But then I also remembered what Az told me about the list of requirements we got. It was all these people had to go by and maybe thanks to that some of them just simply thought they were good enough with their usual routines.

"Recruits! We are less than three months away from your trials. That is a very short time to get ready if you aren't already," the general began and shiver went down my spine. Right, they promised us a checkup.

"This means that there is no point in feeding those who won't make it past. If you wish to convince me that you aren't a loser, you will have the next couple of hours to do so. But if you fail at this task, you will be packing your sorry excuse for a bag tomorrow. We have no time for losers in this place!" Shiver went down my spine at the general's words as I blinked away panic in my eyes. Of all the days to train with my group for the first time, this just had to be today.

"Now get to work!" General ordered and we all wordlessly obeyed except for Az and Aaron, who stood on the side, silent observers since they didn't need to pass any tests. I shot Az a look between my stretches, but his face was the definition of unreadable even more so than usual. While it hardly filled me with the confidence I was severely lacking, I wasn't exactly surprised.

"Freya, let's spar," I heard Nolan's voice behind me. He was unusually serious, nothing like the man I knew from our training sessions back in Duskfall. It was clear that today wasn't the day for jokes and laughs. All our lives were on the line. I nodded and followed him into one of the empty sparing rings. And as we wordlessly took our fighting stances, a few more people entered the gym. They were clearly freaked out. It was obvious they only just found out about the general's presence and quickly ran to not be absent. It made me wonder just how many candidates were in their rooms today, blissfully unaware that they were losing the chance to even partake in the trials. This was clearly a surprise visit. Those who did come were either training daily, were lucky to plan on doing so today of all days or managed to catch a glance of the general on their way to breakfast and acted on it.

Nolan and I began our little dance of fists as I liked to call it. We've done this countless times in Duskfall. So many of the moves he taught me were now already engraved in my muscle memory forever. Back then, I would lose every single time. Today, I had to give it all I had if I wanted to stay here with my friends, my chosen family. Nolan and I both knew this. It didn't need to be said. And while our fight started just like so many before, I quickly noticed changes in my reactions. I wasn't stronger than Nolan. It would take years of training to match him if I even could. But I was faster now, smarter, and much more agile. I could tell I caught him off guard more than once.

I was fighting like I never fought before, so completely lost in the fight, that I forgot all about the general who was standing there, watching us all with cold eyes. I felt energized and powerful. After weeks with Az, who could read my every move, every trick I had up my sleeve, especially since he taught me half of them, it was exciting to stand against someone, who had no way to predict my moves. I felt great about myself. I wasn't going to win, but at this rate, I could fight like his equal. Well, at least until he did the most stupid thing.

In all those months of vigorous training, I never managed to get Nolan, or any of them for that matter, on the ground. Until today. But when I swung my leg and knocked him off his feet, all my good feelings about my skills were gone. Because Nolan would never be caught off guard like this. Anyone else might, but not Nolan. Because Nolan was the one who taught me, who put special emphasis on this particular thing. This wasn't my skill, it was him letting me win. My blood began to boil with sudden anger and I swallowed hard. I couldn't yell at him right now. I couldn't even whisper. Everyone would hear us and that was the last thing we needed.

I was so angry, I wanted to punch his pretty face. But I didn't. Because as I was about to raise my fist and hit the ground right next to him to show him exactly how pissed off I was, Az' words rung in my head. I had to control my temper. Reign in my emotions. It took everything in me, but I swallowed hard and blinked my anger away. Buried it as deep as I could. We'd have this conversation later. Now I just extended my hand and helped him back up on his feet.

"Am I a joke to you?!" I hissed at Nolan when he entered the shower room. I wish I could say my anger was gone when we packed up at the end of the longest day of our lives and finally went back to our room. But it wasn't. I was livid. His little stunt from the morning left me wondering the whole day if my skills improved at all or if it was all just a lie and everyone who was sparing with me after him just pretended so that I look like I'm a better fighter than I am.

"Whoa, what's this about?" he asked as if he had no clue I was pissed off to begin with.

"You know very well what this is about," I snapped back at him. I didn't care if our friends could hear us. And our room was secluded enough for strangers not to hear.

"No, I actually don't," he responded, clearly agitated with me. But I was not having it.

"You think I'm stupid Nolan?! I trained with you every single godsdamned day for months! I know how you fight! And I know you'd never lose your footing like that! Especially not to me! You let me beat you! What for? Am I really such a loser that you have to treat me special? Are you all cutting me slack hoping it will go unnoticed?!" I ranted at him.

"Freya, calm the fuck down!" he finally cut me off, clearly taken aback.

"Calm down?! Nolan, the whole fight I actually thought I was doing well. I thought I improved, that I finally maybe stood a chance in making it through those trials. But then, in that last moment, you showed me it was all just a fucking lie!" I was close to tears now. I didn't even realize how terrified I was beneath all my anger. In all the time I've lived with them, they never went easy on me, ever. Even when I was crying from pain and muscle fever, hopelessly lying on the ground and begging them to give me a break, they never did. Yet today, in the time when I needed it the most, because I would never get through trials if I wasn't good enough, they chose to lie.

"It wasn't a lie," he sighed and scratched the back of his head.

"What?" I looked at him, unwilling to believe his words.

"Well, most of it wasn't. I did let you take me down, but not because you needed help. I wanted to cut the fight short. You fought insanely good, but you were giving away all your moves, Freya," he explained.

"Oh," was all I managed to say, stunned into silence.