Children of Night and Snow

30. Hardest of Lessons

"What the hell were you doing out there?!" He snapped at me the moment we got back into the cave and shifted into our human forms.

"I froze. I'm sorry," I said quietly, feeling suddenly so very small under his angry stare.

"You froze," he sneered. "There is a group of eight people depending on us bringing enough food to survive the next two weeks! You included, because as far as I recall, you've been eating with us for free for over three months now! Your little moment out there could have cost us one whole deer! We would have to stay up here for another day, possibly facing another storm, without enough water or food to get us through in order to fix it. But it's all okay, because you're sorry," he hissed angrily, making me flinch.

"Devan, she fucked up, she said sorry. It's her first hunt man, chill," Nolan came to my defense, trying to diffuse the situation.

"Shut up, Nolan! Just because you wanna get laid, I'm not gonna let her off the hook," Devan shot back at him before turning to me once again. "This isn't some game. This is our lives. We need the food to live. We all have to take part in obtaining it. This is what life out here is like, princess. Are you even a wolf?! If you wanna be weak and cry about every kill you'll have to make, you might as well pack up and go back to your weakling family back down South, because you're sure as hell not gonna make it here," he kept going and I could no longer hold back my tears.

"Enough!" Nolan stood up walking closer to Devan, blocking him from my view. "She got the message. Go cool off," he practically growled grabbing Devan's cloak and pushing him towards the cave's exit. Devan said nothing. He looked at Nolan then at me helplessly sobbing on the ground. Then he turned around, shifted and without another word left the cave to go pace outside.

"Hey, it's okay," Nolan kneeled beside me and pulled me into his arms. "He's just being a jerk," he added.

"He's right though. I'm weak. I nearly messed it all up," I sobbed. I felt so useless, so small. How could I think I was doing okay? My first test in a real life situation and I failed to keep it together.

"You're not weak. That's nonsense. Even Devan knows that," Nolan said.

"Well he said it," I whispered.

"Freya, you crossed that hell called Frozen Wastes, then survived months as a rogue in the tunnels without knowing a single thing about this place, you pulled through an injury that would usually kill a fully grown and trained wolf and then managed to turn yourself into a skilled wolf in less than four months. And you did all that while dealing with losing everything and everyone you once knew. I can promise you that none of us, especially not Devan, thinks you're weak. You wouldn't be here with us, he wouldn't snap at you like he did, if he didn't think you were strong enough to take it." Nolan's words calmed me down a little. In fact they almost made me blush. I had no answer to that. I didn't feel strong for doing what I did. I just wanted to survive. Even if the people I was living for would never know I did.

"Why don't you tell me about it? About the life and the people that you left behind. You never talk about them," he suggested. I thought about it for a minute. I didn't talk about them. Partially because the words of the nameless woman still rang in my ears whenever I considered it. I was a nobody. My name didn't matter. My past didn't matter either. And partially because I was afraid that if I spoke about them out loud, if I faced what happened head on, I'd shatter into a million pieces the same way my heart did all those months ago.

"There was a lake. A big, beautiful, crystal clear lake. It was always cold, but to us it was the perfect way to cool down during the hot summer months," I began, unable to look Nolan in the eye as I spoke, I focused my eyes on the fire in front of us. I heard Devan's footsteps stop in at the cave entrance and I knew he was now listening too.

"We had a house with a perfect view of that lake. It was a small house, but nice. Just enough for my parents and I. It had a pool in the backyard where I used to swim. And also party. A lot," I smiled a little at the memory of countless parties we put on at all times of the year.

"I had two friends, well I used to think I had many more but in the end, it was only two of them who stuck by me. Olivia and Sheyla. They were my ride or die. No matter what happened, what I did, they were there, supporting me." Tears were streaming down my face as I remembered Olivia's infectious laughter and love for town gossip, Sheyla's jokes and addiction to sugary drinks. Nolan pulled me even closer, giving my waist a reassuring squeeze.

"So what happened, Freya? Why did you leave them? Who gave you those scars?" He asked me gently but with a strange urgency in his voice. I was silent for a while. Unable to put what happened into words that would make sense to me. Because it didn't make sense.

"I attacked future alpha and luna," I whispered in the end, ashamed of myself.

"What do you mean future alpha and luna?" Nolan seemed genuinely confused at my words.

"Alpha's son, he was... I loved him. I used to think we'd be mates when we came off age. All signs were there, or so people said. But then he found his mate. And it wasn't me. I was jealous and angry. I didn't like his mate. I didn't think she deserved to rule the town by his side. And one day I just... snapped. I attacked her. And when he came to defend her, I attacked him too. I couldn't control it. I shifted and attacked. And when I woke up, I was in chains set to stand trial for treason," I explained. "I only had two possible outcomes. Death or exile. And I wanted to live." There was silence following my words. I gathered courage to look at Nolan, who was now staring into the flames which mirrored in his stormy eyes. What was he thinking? Was he doubting his decision to be with me? Regretting they took me in? His hold on me remained firm and comforting as it was before my confession, but his silence made me uneasy still.

"That's some bullshit!" he exclaimed after what seemed like an eternity. "You were just a teenager. We're wolves, we have tempers. You had no control over it. Who kicks out a kid over a fight?" he was angry now. On my behalf.

"He was alpha's son. The future leader. Attacking the leading couple is considered the highest form of treason in Summerlands," I said, my voice hollow. 

"If he was the future leader, you attacking him should have ended up with him kicking your ass. Hereditary leadership? What kind of madness is that? No wonder they have to send their own kids to death if they can't put the strongest into power," he shook his head.

"Right, I remember reading in the book that it's not hereditary here," I realized what was the source of his outrage and confusion..

"Hell no," Nolan chuckled. "You wanna lead, you'll have to fight and kill your way to the top. If we are to survive, we need our leaders to be the strongest, the best of us. If they can't claw their way to the top, then they don't belong there. Easy," he shrugged. "We don't exile our teenagers over a school fight. Real leaders don't do that. They took your life away for nothing."

His words forced more tears to my eyes. I never got to finish school, to travel the Summerlands, to find my mate, to have a family and grow old. Any of it. For nothing. I sat still in Nolan's arms, lost in my thoughts, afraid to move because if I did, I may really break this time.

***

Hi everyone! It's been forever since I posted and I'm really sorry so I dropped 3 chapters at once. Life got in the way and with new job I had next to no time. But here is chapter 30! What do you guys think so far? Do you think Freya failed? Do you think Devan was right in his reaction?