Children of Night and Snow

19. Hear Me Howl

After I managed to reach my wolf, Devan gave me space during my training. We were still trying nearly everyday, he kept telling me that the longer I put it off, the harder it would be, but didn't push me otherwise. He just gave me hell in the physical training instead, increasing the amount of work. And had me practice pulling out my claws and canines on command. But despite the predator within me being now wide awake, making me aware of her existence without even asking, my control over these things was next to nonexistent much to my dismay.

I stood in front of one of the windows, drying my hair with a towel, watching Demi, Lucia and Connor having a snowball fight in the front yard. The sun came up today for a few hours, but it was hidden behind thick grey clouds, a common occurrence whenever it did happen. I wished I could feel its warmth on my face again. It's been almost four months since the last time it happened. And I wondered if I ever would again, since here, people could go entire lifetimes without properly seeing it without clouds separating them on rare short days.

"Would you look at that, does our little bird want to try and fly out of the nest already?" Nolan leaned against the wall next to me, mischief in his stormy eyes as he watched me. I blushed and quickly turned my face to the floor causing him to laugh. Did I want to go outside? Part of me did. The curious part, who once wanted to travel the continent, meet people and learn about their cultures. After I spent so long trying to survive, I almost forgot she existed. But then there was another part of me. The one that screamed that right here, in this house was warm and safe and that leaving it would mean the freezing cold and all the pain I've suffered in it.

"Do you wanna go outside, Freya?" I heard Devan's amused voice. It took me a while to get used to the new name they've given me, but it seemed like a second nature now. Like the name belonged to me all along. Or maybe it belonged to the woman I was becoming. I couldn't really tell.

"Could I?" I asked before I even thought about it.

"Tell you what, the All Souls celebrations will start in five days. If you can shift before then, we'll take you out with us," he replied. "Think of it as a motivation," he said with a wink and left before I could answer. I looked at Nolan who only shrugged and patted my shoulder a little too hard before leaving as well. I was left standing by the window, watching as the two boys joined the other three already outside. There was a certain childishness to their game. Something I never expected to see with them. They always seemed so serious while around me. I was here nearly two months now, and I realized that I really didn't know any of them.

All Souls would be in five days, which meant my birthday was in two. For some reason, it was this knowledge that drove me to try and shift harder than before. I would be eighteen in two days. What if it was too late? What if I'd miss my chance to do it? I was an All Souls baby. Back at home, that would mean we celebrated my birthday a bit early in order to not clash with the grimm mood the holiday brought upon everyone. There were no celebrations in Summerlands. We would gather together for dinner and then visit our loved ones at their last resting places. The whole thing would be one long evening. That was it. The idea of a celebration seemed odd but fascinating to me. It sparked my curiosity. I wanted to see it.

Which is why the very next day, I woke up determined even earlier than usual. The sky was darker than I've grown used to, likely because the clouds full of snow were above us. It would be one of the days of heavy snow. I cooked breakfast for everyone and started a fire in all fireplaces so that when others woke up, the house was already warm. It was a habit now. We all did it. Whoever woke up first, this was their task. Then I headed down to the basement to start my routine. I couldn't believe how much of a difference the month and a half of my training made. I used to be somewhat in shape back when I took swimming classes, but I was barely twelve. And I gave it all up for Colin when I was thirteen, with a hopeless crush and determination to one day be his Luna.

After I crossed off my exercise checklist, I stripped into my underwear, unwilling to rip apart my leggings and shirt. I could hear someone talking above me, meaning the group was likely awake now, or at least some of them were. But I didn't have time to go say hello. Instead, I stood in the centre of the room, eyes closed, taking one deep breath after another. My wolf now restless as if she wanted to come out.

I focused all my energy into it, willing it to happen. I could feel her coming to the surface, but whenever she got too close, it was like my mind shut the idea down on an instinct. Itwas a bit like when you try to fall asleep and you reach that point just between being conscious and falling asleep, when you realize what is happening and force yourself to wake up whether you want to or not. While my mind was on alert, there was simply no way my wolf could get through. So I had to find a solution. Distract my mind. I went back to the lake, to my best friends and carefree summer afternoons.

I let my mind swim in the lake, eat the delicious ice cream from a nearby stand and dance around the bonfire in the evening. And as I did that, I opened the door that held my wolf locked inside and I let it take over. There was nothing at first. I had to try real hard to stay in those memories and not come back when nothing was happening. But then it came. An agonizing crack in my spine, followed by another and another. My limbs, my ribs, all of it was now on fire. And with every crack the pain got worse and worse. I could hear myself screaming and pleading for it to stop. I could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks.

"You're so close, Freya. You can do it," I heard a whisper. Devan.

"Make it stop. I want it to stop," I cried. I changed my mind, I didn't want to do this. My instinctive shifts out of emotions were so much quicker than this. I felt nothing during them. How could this hurt so damn much?

"I know, but you're almost there, there is no going back now," Devan said, his voice strangely soothing in my agony. And then came one last crack, the most painful one and my piercing scream turned into a howl. I did it! I now stood on all fours, breathing heavily, exhausted beyond anything else.

"If I knew all I had to do was to let you go outside if you shift, I would have done it weeks ago," I heard that chuckle in my mind! I turned towards the spot where Devan should have been only to see a giant wolf with piercing blue eyes. The same wolf I met in the tunnels all those months ago. But how was he talking to me?!

"You look very confused, little one. It's a mind link," he explained, clearly amused by my bewilderment.

"You can read my mind?!" I asked, horrified.

"No, of course not," I heard him laugh in my head. "I can only hear what you send. Like your question just now," he said.

"Can everyone hear me?" I asked another question, trying to process what was happening.

"No. You have to have a link to them first. You have to trust them and they have to trust you. And you both have to be in wolf form," Devan replied. Did that mean I trusted him? And he trusted me. The thought, for some reason, made me very emotional. Devan trusted me. There was one person in this cruel World who trusted me. I wasn't completely alone anymore. If I were in my human form, I would cry. But instead, I howled. This caused everyone else to run down to see what happened.