Children of Night and Snow

48. Nameless

When you slash or pierce someone's neck just in the right place, there is a lot of blood. Everywhere. It was an information I could vaguely recall from my biology classes back in Moonvalley. But it wasn't something I ever expected to face in my life. Now I stood frozen on a Duskfall's town square, covered in still hot blood of a woman who lied at my feet in a pool of it. My mind went into shock, unable to comprehend what I just did. Az likely finished everyone else, including the girl whom I hurt, whose cries went silent. But I couldn't look around to check. If Az was the one dead on the ground and my enemy was the one standing behind me, I wouldn't know. My eyes were staring at my victim.

When I first came here, into this cursed town, I was so hopeless, so naive. She was there and saved my life. And then she took it all away from me. All my innocence, my hopes, dreams and my name. I could barely remember it now. And whenever I did, it felt like the memory belonged to someone else. Someone who wasn't around anymore. Now this woman lied motionless at my feet, the last remnants of life leaving her body. And once again I felt anger towards her. So much anger. She died by my hand. Seven months ago she made me nameless. Now she made me a killer, too.

"Freya, we have to go," I could hear Az speaking to me. I could feel his touch as he put my healthy arm over his shoulder and held my waist. I could smell the fresh blood, the snow and ash as he slowly led us back towards our shelter through the wasteland this invasion left behind.

But I wasn't present to any of it. Not really. All I could think about was that girl from Summerlands. What was her name again? She loved to read and swim. She was smart and pretty even though a bit shallow and arrogant. And while many didn't notice, she was also very kind and caring. She dreamt of so many things. She wanted to travel the World, to graduate with best grades, to be a good luna to her people and to make her parents proud. And now she was gone. She may as well have been just a dream. Or that corpse of a nameless woman I left behind on that town's square. I never knew her name either after all.

"Az, Freya! Oh Gods, what happened?!" I heard Demi's voice filled with fear.

"An incident. The blood is mostly not ours. But Freya needs her right arm checked," Az replied. He led me to a corner of the room and sat me down. I could feel Demi check my arm, I even heard myself hiss a little when she touched the wound. But I was too numb to care.

"Whoever got her, scratched her good. These gashes are too deep. I'll need to stitch this," she assessed my injury and left, probably to gather supplies.

"What the hell were you thinking?! You left and told nobody! You could have been dead!" Devan yelled. I didn't know if it was at me, at Az, or at both of us. I didn't care. I couldn't bring myself to come back from whatever nowhere I was in and face the reality. I didn't want to.

"Stop yelling. At least at her. This was my idea," Az said, his voice deadly calm and strangely authoritative.

"Are you fucking insane?!" Now it was Nolan's turn to yell it seemed. "Look at her! She is in shock! What happened out there?!" he carried on.

"We were ambushed. There were ten of them and two of us. We killed them all. But it clearly means that something isn't right. The rogues are roaming the place freely. We can't stay here. And we can't yell or they will find us," Az spoke again. If I could focus, I'd be shocked to hear so many words leave his mouth at once. But his little speech silenced everyone. Suddenly all we could hear was Demi going through a medical kit and cleaning my arm.

"We need a plan," Aaron broke the silence which took over for a good half an hour. Nobody protested.

"Az go take a shower. Nolan and Demi get Freya cleaned up as well. Let's make something to eat and calm down. Then we regroup," Devan stepped in. Everyone then went to do their tasks.

Demi finished my stitches a few minutes later and left me for Nolan to tend to. He took me to the bathroom and helped me take my clothes off. I was like a doll in his arms. Motionless, silent. He put me in the shower and let the water run, but I just stood there as he left with my clothes.

"Freya," he whispered when he came back with stuff for me to change into. But I didn't respond. I heard him, but I just couldn't. I could hear him taking his own clothes off as well and next thing I knew, he joined me in the shower, taking the sponge and gently cleaning away the dirt and blood from my body.

"Freya, sweetheart I need you to listen to me now. I know it's hard. I know you don't want to. But I need you to come back to me. You're hurting right now and it probably seems better to just let go, but you can't. We need you. I need you." he kept whispering.

"I can't," I heard myself say, my own voice foreign on my tongue.

"You can. You are so strong. You can," he was now pleading as I stood on the edge of the abyss of madness. It was dark there. Empty. Soothing. There was no pain, no sorrow, no heartbreak. All I had to do was step into that void. Away from all of it. It would all be gone. I'd be at peace. It would be so easy. I really wanted to. But feeling his touch, hearing his voice, it was a reminder that I was still there. Still alive and breathing. With people who cared for me. People I wanted to stay alive for mere hours ago.

"I never knew her name," I said. The reality came back crashing into me, bringing all the fear and pain back. I broke down sobbing.

"Shhh, I know," he held me tight, rocking me from side to side. But he didn't know. He couldn't have. None of them could. I never told them. But somehow that didn't matter right now. All that mattered was that he was there with me. Because I needed someone to hold onto.

We left the shower sometime later. I was now back to my senses and fully aware of the injury on my right arm. Three long claw marks were going to add another scar to my body. Another I needed to cover because I couldn't really see myself carrying those with the same pride my friends did. I tried not to think of the young girl who caused my injury. Or the nameless woman she was with, whom I killed. I didn't want to wonder who they really were, what they were hoping for and dreaming about. How tragic were their lives to make them who they were. Or how tragic my life was and what it was making of me.

"How long until it heals?" Devan asked Demi with concern while watching her wrap my arm in bandages to further prevent infection.

"About three or four days. This is nothing compared to that one on her thigh. It was clean cut. Even the scar shouldn't be so bad," Demi replied and gave me a reassuring smile.

"Good, we'll figure out what our options are in the meantime then," he said and patted my healthy shoulder. It was a small gesture, but just like Demi's smile or Nolan's hug, it helped me stay grounded and in reality. No matter how hard that reality was to bear.

I went to lie down right after we ate in silence and Nolan went with me, likely knowing that there was no way I could just fall asleep without any support no matter how much I needed it. Still my sleep was far from peaceful for every time I closed my eyes, I saw hers. The brief moment of recognition followed by pain and then emptiness. The nameless woman nobody would remember, but whom I hated so, so much.

*** 

I know it's Sunday and  I missed not one, but two posting days. I was out of country to visit family and friends, but I'm back not and I've posted both missing chapters today. Next week we are back on schedule with new chapter every Wednesday and Saturday. We are also more than half-way into the book now with just under 30 chapters left to go. But I'm already chapters deep into writing book two and I also have book three in mind as well, so there is a lot of the story to tell.

That said, this very chapter marks an important turning point in the lives of our little group. A big change is coming and soon they will truly begin their journey towards their destiny. 

Please, if you are reading this, I'm kindly asking for votes and comments. Not only it will help the story to be seen by more people, it also helps me and motivates me to keep writing.

Thank you, Manon