Finally Free

51

C A R T E R | a family affair

"Carter." I feel a shake on my shoulders. Another, "Carter." The voice becomes more clear, more annoyed. "What?" I snap, a little too harshly at Natalia, her lips pucker in annoyance. "Come on, we're doing things today."

"No, let me sleep, it's too early for this." I mumble, my eyes still closed. I bring my arm up mindlessly to swat her away, just swatting the air. "Carter, it's lunchtime." I find my eyes opening fully, Natalia in all her entitled sass is standing over me, her hands perched on her hips, her eyebrows raised. From this angle she looks a lot like our mother, it's quite disturbing.

"Why do you want to hang out with me?"
"Sibling bonding, come on, it'll be fun." She pulls on my arm this time, whining like a toddler. I'm not buying it, and I'm too lazy to get my ass out of bed. Hunter forced us to go out, just the guys on account of the girls being out in Tahoe. Five drinks and too much weed later and we're singing Tiny Dancer on the pool table at some Greenwood party.

"Nat what's really up, you never want to hang out with me." She stays silent, going into my closet, looking for clothes for me, throwing the ones she rejects behind her mindlessly. "Make a mess, why don't you?"

That's when I check my phone and see the date. My heart falls, I rub my eyes trying to wake up. I was so shit faced last night I completely forgot the worst day of the year, the anniversary of my dad's death.

"Where's mom?" I ask quietly, Nat keeps a tight, strong face, trying to keep it together.

"She wants to be alone today." She responds, throwing a pile of clothes from the floor and into the hamper. "I can't believe it's been 2 years already."

"It never gets easier." Nat throws herself on the bed, making it quake up and down. "What do you want to do today?" I sigh, giving in to the idea of spending the day with my sister. In total honesty, it doesn't sound too bad.

"I was thinking we could maybe visit dad. I haven't in a while." I haven't either. The realization hits me quickly that I haven't visited my father's grave in over a year. Soon after he died I would visit him once a week, sometimes more. I would tell him the highlights of my day, everytime I made a home run in baseball or got a good grade on a test.

After I got older, I began hating myself too much to want to tell him about my day. He would've been ashamed of who I became before this year. I partied every weekend, I drank too much, and despite how much I liked Eloise I wasn't exactly faithful, but then again, neither was she.

Once a week turned into once a month, then it stopped altogether. I just couldn't handle it anymore, a part of me wanted to forget.

"Sounds like a plan, we can even get crappy fast food, papa's favorite." I joke, nudging her shoulder. "Ma might kill you."

"Do you remember when he came home with those burgers from that place on South Street because he thought ma was at work but she waltzed in just as we started eating?" I recall that memory, remembering her lecture papá all night.
"Yeah, they were like a telenovela arguing dramatically for an hour over a few burgers and milkshakes."

"How old were we?" Nat asks. "I think I was fifteen so you were ten."

"Those were fun times." Nat's words cause us to both fall into a calculated silence, memories of when we were a family of four.

✿✿✿

Hall Cemetery isn't far from our house. I remember when my mother had to make funeral arrangements, how she had to choose where to bury her husband, the love of her life. That alone nearly broke her but like the true warrior she is, she kept her head high.