Finally Free

03

S O P H I A | running from your problems 101

When I was young, up until the age of ten, I had an incredible fear of roller coasters. I hated the way they made my stomach feel and my head would always spin once I got in the cart. I would always get to the front of the line before chickening out. When I eventually rode one, it was that uphill climb, the way the cart would slow down before plunging into the unknown. That's what really scared me.

My body would lurch before I fell for what felt like forever. But the rush... the feeling once you finally moved past the part that scares you. Screaming, letting all your emotions out. It's so... freeing.

But unfortunately for me, I've learned to keep all my emotions in, it was part of my lifestyle. Appearances are everything, and I ruined mine and my family's. My life currently feels like the anticipation of going up the roller coaster, not knowing what's going to happen, all the twists, and turns, and the painful unpredictability of it all.

The roller coaster cart was stuck, always going up, never going down, never letting me relax or breathe.

"No! No stop let me go, help me."

"Someone help!"

"Please don't do this."

I feel someone shake my shoulders. "Sophia you're okay, you're safe." Paige is crying. I shoot up out of bed, I'm covered in sweat and there are tears running down my face. The sheets stick to my fragile body.

This isn't happening. Not again.

"Paige I'm so sorry." But she just yanks me into a hug, crying into my shoulder. She's never had to wake me up from a nightmare, Liam or Mom usually does. No one else is home this morning though. My breathing picks up with my tears as I choke out another sob.

The nightmares had gone away for a little bit but they have slowly started poisoning my mind again, taking over my life, consuming me to the point where I break down just thinking about it. Reminding me of my past failures and losses.

Relief washes through a body that was once filled with fear and anxiety. I'm safe. You're safe, my brain says even though I don't believe myself. I just feel suffocated, like I'm drowning in a dark lake and there's no one around to help me. My hands shake, and I clench them into a tight fist to stop. I haven't had a nightmare this bad in a long time.

"I'm okay, I'm so sorry you had to see that." I sigh still hugging her for dear life. She's only 13, she doesn't deserve to be exposed to this.

✿✿✿

"We've decided to move Sophia to California. I know it's hard but you will be staying with Aunt Pamela in San Francisco." That was all I heard come out of my mother's mouth before the ringing in my ears increased and the rest of the conversation turned into white noise.

When she called a family meeting, this is not what I thought would be happening.

California.

Moving away.

Leaving.

"No, no that's so unfair." Liam screams at my mom.

"You can't just separate us, what happened wasn't her fault." Paige adds but she chokes on her words. Everyone stiffens at her words.

Liam gives Paige a look, telling her to stop. I open my mouth but nothing comes out. I get up and walk out. My family knows not to follow me when I'm like this. I feel everything go numb. It's like I've lost all feelings and senses that make me who I am.