A New Chance To Live

26

Warnings:
-Self harm (mentions everywhere)
-Suicidal thoughts
-Heartbroken

Clay's POV

As soon as Sapnap left before dinner, I started crying again. I was so incredibly hurt and just didn't know how to deal with it. I had George's and my chat open for an hour now, looking at his profile picture and our chat.

Warning self harm

I knew I said I wouldn't do it again, but I grabbed the knife and just made some small cuts on wrist again. I waited for it to stop bleeding and pulled my sleeves far over my hands when I walked downstairs.

Warning over (still mentions)

I sat down on the couch and my sister looked at me. 'Oh my goodness, what's wrong?' she asked as she saw my red and puffy eyes along with my red nose and cheeks.

'Nothing important,' I whispered.

I lifted my hand up to wipe a tear away from my face and my mother walked into the room.

'Dinner is almost ready- oh, are you okay?' she asked as she looked at me.

My sister grabbed my wrist and I winced. She frowned and so did my mother.

'Clay, why did you wince?' she asked.

'Just the sudden touch,' I muttered. I got completely stuck in all my lies and stared at my feet.

My mum walked closer to me and knelt down in front of me. She grabbed my hand and lifted my sleeve a tiny bit. I pulled away immediately. 'Stay off me.'

'Clay, I saw cuts. What did you do?' my mum asked me with tears in her eyes.

'Nothing,' I whispered. 'It was just a tree.'

'Did something happen when you went to George?' Claire asked.

As soon as his name got mentioned, I bursted out into tears and started crying as I hid my face behind my hands. I didn't notice my cuts were visible and my mother grabbed my hand, sitting down next to me.

'What's wrong, honey? I can see that you've cut yourself, I'm not mad at you. I just want to know what made you so hopeless that you ended up cutting yourself.'

'He left me,' I whispered. 'I'm so hurt.'

I pulled my knees up and my mother let me lay down in her arms while I cried.

'It's going to be okay, sweetie,' she said as she kissed my cheek.

'No, it's not,' I whispered. 'I don't want dinner, I'm going to my room.'

'I'd rather not want you to be alone right now,' my mother said as she ran her hand through my hair. 'I don't want you to cut again, honey.'

'I want to,' I mumbled. 'I want this pain to stop. I'm so incredibly heartbroken, I can't deal with it.'

'Do you want to watch your favourite movie together?' Claire asked me as she grabbed my hand. 'I can get you something you like to eat with it and we can watch it together.'

I shrugged. 'Fine, but I will just constantly cry.'

'That's fine, I'm here for you.'

That evening Claire and I watched a movie together. As soon as it was over, I thanked her for being so nice and left to go to bed. My mother had taken my knives away and I just laid in bed while crying my eyes out. I wanted to text him, but he would only find me more annoying if I did.

Sapnap texted me a while later and asked me to call. I accepted it, but didn't talk. I just cried while he talked to me.

~~~

The next morning I left early to go to school. I hoped George was here so I could talk to him, but I knew he was at home to rest.

I walked into the school like a zombie and sat down on a chair with the palest face and red eyes. I had my sleeves far over my hands and stared at my hands as I suddenly felt someone wrap their arm around my shoulders.

I looked up and saw Sapnap pull me closer to his body. I immediately started crying again and he stood up, grabbing my hand to go somewhere more private.

We sat down in a silent hallway and he held me tightly while I cried loudly. 'I can't deal with it, Sapnap. I have so many suicidal thoughts,' I whispered.

'Then I'm not leaving you alone anymore. We are going to chill after school.'

'I love him so much.'

'Did you cut yourself more, Clay?'

I nodded and sniffed loudly. 'I don't want this anymore. I'm never finding someone, everyone leaves me in such painful ways. I can't deal with the pain.'

'I'm going to George soon, but I want to give him time to calm down and process everything first, okay? I'm also not leaving you alone for a while. I don't think you understand how much I love you. I don't want to lose you, okay?'

I sighed softly. 'I don't want to go to class, I'm sorry. I won't do anything to myself, but I really don't want to go to class like this. I'll only be crying.'

'I'm going home with you and when I'm sure your parents are there, I'm going back to school.'

'Okay,' I whispered.

I stood up to walk away, but someone tapped my shoulder. I turned around and saw the guy again, causing me to get so angry that I grabbed his shoulders to push him against the wall as hard as I could.

'I HATE YOU, WHY DID YOU DO THIS? I LOVE HIM SO MUCH.'

He looked at me and rolled his eyes. He grabbed my wrists to get me away and I winced again. He frowned and looked at my sleeves.

'You cut yourself?' he muttered.

'YES, I DID. I'M SO HEARTBROKEN.'

He looked a bit shocked and then turned around to walk off as fast as he could.

'Come, Clay. We are going home. You can't go to class like this. I'm just a bit scared you'll do something to yourself if I leave you alone.'

I shrugged. 'I won't. I can't leave you, my parents and my sister, but I'm so heartbroken that I can't promise if I'll cut or not.'

Sapnap didn't reply and just looked down at his hands. 'Let's go home.'

1049 words