Returned to Sender - Scarlett Johansson

Part 29

Sawyer's POV

Today has been a bad day.

It straight-up sucked.

Just when I thought I was getting better and not finding everything around me terrifying, my world tipped, and everything felt overwhelming all over again. I really thought I was doing better. I want to be better for Mama. I want her to see how much she has helped me. But today was just too much, and my past haunted me more than ever.

I should have never left Mama's bed this morning after my nightmare. We were safe there. The only thing that could hurt me was my dreams. I am starting to know they're not accurate anymore, especially since Mama is always there to comfort me after my nightmares.

In the real world, however, it turns out everything could hurt me, including Mama.

I know it's silly to react so poorly to Mama playing with that other girl but seeing her so happy with an ordinary little girl just reminded me of how broken I am. That no matter how much I pretend to be and wish I was, I could never be like that girl Mama was playing with. I will never be ordinary, and I hate it.

I can hardly make it through the day without a panic attack or a memory episode. While they suck for me, I always feel guilty afterwards that everyone else has to put up with me while they happen. It's why I don't say anything later; I'm scared I made everyone upset or angry with me for being an inconvenience. A part of me knows Mama didn't do anything wrong, but I'm just too scared to accept that.

This morning I woke up in a strange room, all be it all the rooms in this place are strange because Mama never gave me a tour, but still, this isn't the room I woke up in yesterday. I fell asleep while crying in the back yesterday.

Mama had sat up front with Lizzie and left me to sit alone in the back, indicating that I had made her mad.

Mama was nowhere to be seen, another indicator that she was angry.

It just felt like Mama is sick of me and has had enough of all my issues. Deciding that it would be best to keep out of her way, I grabbed Nat and my blanket and wandered down the stairs, quietly slipping into the garden I found yesterday.

I lay down in the grass where I had yesterday and stared at the clouds again, thinking about how calming they were yesterday before everything went wrong again. Although was anything ever really right?

Now that I lay here, I'm starting to think it wasn't the clouds that calmed me down but Mama lying next to me because I definitely don't feel as peaceful right now as I did yesterday.

It was still dark, and I could make out different constellations peaking out between the clouds above me. Squinting my eyes to draw different shapes with the stars was just as fun as making different shapes out of the clouds as I showed Mama to do yesterday.

I must have been looking at the sky for a while because I watched the colours go from nearly black to a blend of pinks and oranges before settling into the classic pale blue as the stars and moon were slowly covered up by the bright spring sun. It was going to be another hot day; I could tell by the light coat of sweat already coating my forehead as I moved to sit under a tree so that I could read my book now that the sun was up.

I wanted to go inside where there was something Mama had called air conditioning as it blew cold air everywhere and made the rooms cooler. The tree shade made seeing the words more manageable, but it wasn't helping with the growing heat. While it was hot out, I didn't want to run into Mama and upset her more. So I just continued to read; the heat, while uncomfortable, was nothing compared to how hot the attack used to get on a warm summer's day.