Returned to Sender - Scarlett Johansson

Part 47

Sawyer's POV

At first, I didn't speak because I wasn't ready. I wasn't prepared to tell anyone that Cooper had raped me, yet I had to because he had manipulated his way into a courtroom and tried to act as if he did nothing but look after me. I had to show everyone that he was a monster and that what he did to me wasn't ok. 

So I had to speak. 

But now he's gone, and I don't have to stay strong all the time; I don't have the energy to keep him off my mind all the time. So I just don't speak; I don't say my thoughts aloud because then I don't have to face the repercussions of my confessions.

I mean, I couldn't stop seeing Cooper everywhere for the first week. Everywhere I looked, I could see him as he smiled at me in that courtroom. I could see him as his face contorted with rage, and he started to scream at me for looking at those other men. I could just see him everywhere, and I hated it. 

Then, one morning, I woke up, and all I could see was Mama. I could see her hand as it held me close, even in her sleep. I could see her chest rise and fall as she breathed. I could just see her, and suddenly, I felt like a whole weight was lifted off of my chest. As I realised, he wasn't there with us. He is gone for good.

But even when I knew that he was gone, I still couldn't formulate what to say, so I didn't say anything. As time went on and no one made me say anything, it just became normal. Everyone just adapted to my silent attempt to process the arrest of the man who made my life hell. Yet, after the party, after spending all the time with Chrissy, Lizzie and the others, I realised that I needed a way to communicate with them. 

They were all there for me, helping me to move past this, and all I was doing was shutting them out. I know I need to find a way to tell them what I feel, even if I can't say the words outright.

So when everyone but the cast had left, and I saw that guitar sitting there, I thought I would give it a go. No one was in the room at the start as I picked it up and made sure it was in tune, but I noticed as they all came in, watching me with sad smiles as I fiddled with the strings of the guitar, not really playing anything. 

Pretending I didn't know they were there, I continued to fiddle with the strings. I'll never see him again. Never get to speak to him again. So I needed to get everything out; I needed to put it behind me. The more I fiddled, the more I felt the words I needed to say form in my mind. So I Sang them. 

I sang that song for Cooper to them so that they could understand how I felt.

I hadn't even realised I was crying as I sang each word. The pain Cooper put me through over the last four years washes over me as I apologise to the monster who taunted me day and night. 

Because something awful must have happened to him in his life for him to end up that way. 

No one is born a monster; a monster is made. Someone made Cooper into what he became, and I feel bad for him. 

Mama saved me from him, but no one could save him. He will forever be a monster, and now he has to live with that. So I am so sorry for how Cooper must feel inside because he must feel everything I do plus more, and that is enough for anyone to want to give up.

Once I finish singing, I just sit there, staring at the guitar in my hands, not quite believing I just did what I did. My thoughts are interrupted by sniffles. As I looked up, I noticed the whole cast sitting there watching me, all of them crying as they listened to what I said. Mama looks so broken as she stands there sobbing, and it is breaking my heart that she feels pain because of me. 

I place the guitar down softly, being sure to treat it carefully, before running over to Mama and flinging myself into her. Trying my hardest to comfort her as she cries, although my efforts seem to just make her sob more as she sits down on the floor with me, pulling me into her body tightly.