Chagara - Chaos in the Darkness (Levi x OC Fanfic / AttackOnTitan)

77. "I'll do it."

February 22nd, 847

Today, one year ago, we got married, Levi. Happy anniversary, Levi! You must think I'm dead. I'm so sorry, Levi. Although I'm more dead than alive. We have two children now, Levi. Since the 20th of August 846. They're healthy. A boy and a girl. I named them Naoki and Natsuki. I hope you like the names I've given them. Steve is father and mother to them. I must be the worst mother in this world. I can't even take care of my own children. All I can do is lying. Steve gave me these blank sheets. He wants me to write down what's on my mind. He thinks it'll make me feel better. But I only feel worse. I started writing this morning. Now it's afternoon. My right hand hardly works either. I hope you're all right, Levi! ...

... Steve is celebrating. I haven't had a bedsore in a month. I haven't seen pus in a while either. I think I'd be dead by now if Steve hadn't come to the valley. Steve says my head and my spine are fine. And I should be proud of what I can do. Eat, see, hear, speak. I'm afraid of the future ...

... How will they learn to walk? Or, what if they start crawling and crawl away from me? I can't go after them and protect them from injuries. Or how will they learn to go to the toilet? I can't even change their diapers. Steve had to change my diapers as well ...

... If I wasn't injured and we didn't have children, I would have been on my way to you long ago, Levi. I miss you so much ...

... I have been in this hidden valley for a year. If I hadn't met Toshi on the beach back then, I wouldn't have been alive anymore. And our children would never have been born. I must have lain in that tree cave for two days until Toshi's father and grandfather found me. I have no own memories of that time. I was unconscious most of the time. I was always woken up by screams. I guess they were the screams of people being turned into new Titans. But sometimes it were my own screams, too, I guess. Peter's torn arm lay in front of the tree cave. It was the hand which had given me his clothes when we first met. Is he now watching over me from heaven? I often have nightmares of this fight again. Had I failed? Could I have saved my comrades? Are there any stronger Titans than this Beast Titan? He could wipe out the whole Scout Regiment in a minute. And then who will defend the people of my homeland? Please kill him, Levi. Why can't I dream about you, Levi? Will I ever see you again? ...

... Without Toshi's family we wouldn't have a roof over our heads. Steve is now trying to build a hut for us too. When he can't look after the children, Yoko and Toshi take care of Naoki and Natsuki. Whenever I see Naoki, I see you, Levi. I don't know any children's stories. They hear stories like that from Yoko and Toshi. About sea creatures. Or about mountain creatures. All they hear from me are stories about you, Levi ...

... Is this my punishment? For not helping my team? For abandoning the Scout Regiment? For leaving you behind, Levi? Probably. Steve thinks he's going to have to break my left leg again. He tries to calm me down. That the pain is nothing compared to last year. Besides, I can take painkillers now. Naoki and Natsuki crawl a lot. Steve says they like the soft sand. And the sea. Natsuki seems braver, Steve says. But I think Naoki analyses everything from a safety place first, while Natsuki goes straight into confrontation. I had hoped that I would somehow make it outside again next year. But if my leg gets broken again now - I can't offer my children anything ...

... Steve had really broken my leg again. Then we moved into our own hut. There are two rooms. I'm lying in the smaller room. Steve, Toshi's father and his grandfather carried me to my new room. Will I ever be independent again? I can't go to the toilet. I can't wash myself. I can't walk. I can't stand. My room is smaller than our bedroom, Levi. If Naoki and Natsuki didn't exist, I'd just ask Steve to wall up this room. Then Steve would have his own life again too. And even if you and I do meet again, Levi, you'll only hate me for everything I've done to you and for everything I've made you miss. And you're right, Levi ...