XANDER (Editing)

Chapter 6

XANDER'S POV

I groan as I collapse back on the chair that was resting in my cage. I cover my face with my hands and snarl, "What the fuck am I fucking doing?" 

I knew I went too far with what I said. I absolutely HATE IT! I hate that I have to do this! I've played with her in a cruel way. I stomped and spat on every little kind thing she has done for me. She has been trying so hard to be kind to me, even though all I've been to her, is a bully. Worse than a bully. I was like an abuser. 

She's probably crying in her room right now...because of me! I think I've hurt her beyond the point of healing. She will hate me for as long as she lives. There will be no turning back now. There would be no way to reverse this. The reality of that triggered a burning sensation in my chest.

At least maybe she might leave for a better life. She might meet another man and fall in love. The thought of that makes me furious. It makes me feel angry even thinking about another man...another man touching what's mine. But the fact is...she isn't mine. And I have to come to terms with that. I have no right to call her mine, I have no right to be angry if she falls for another male.

I don't know how I'll cope with the thought of her sleeping in another man's arms. But that was what I wanted right? That's why I hurt her...so than she will have a better life right? So than I won't hurt her. There's no way for me to hurt now, not physically, not emotionally. Because she'll be gone, she'll leave me and that's a good thing...I think.

For the past week, I've been blocking out my wolf because I knew if I let him free, he will easily take over and take Lizette. My wolf inside me keeps trying to get out and defend our mate...from my words, from me.

You fucking asshole! Why the hell would you hurt our mate like that!

I have to! She deserves better!

Of course she deserves better, but that doesn't mean you have to drive her away. That's not your decision to make asshole! That's hers and you just took it from Lizzy!

Did I really take it from her? Was I being too controlling?

But I'm only doing this for HER! It's my job to protect her! I have to protect her from me! I have to protect her beautiful golden brown eyes, her long dark brown hair, her smooth tanned skin, her soft lips, her body, her kindness, her sweetness, her pureness...and most importantly...her heart. I need to protect her heart from me. 

My own father had no choice but to lock me up because I would go through these manic episodes where I'm not myself. My wolf may desire our mate, but my wolf is also sick. All those years of endless torture has driven a part of myself to insanity. During those episodes I would become a completely different person. I would violent. I almost hurt my younger siblings. I could've killed them. 

I don't remember what triggered it, but I was going through an episode. I escaped the cage because my father didn't turn the lock fully. All I remember was the pain I had gone through in that place...in that hell. I thought I was still there. I wanted revenge. I wanted payment for what I went through. 

When I felt myself coming back to reality, back into my normal mindset. I was horrified at what I saw. I saw my baby sister, little Zay, she was on the ground crying. She had three slash marks on her face that was bleeding heavily. I felt the warmth of her blood on my red covered hand. And my little brother, Solomon, was standing in front of her, tears streaming down his face as he was standing up to me, his big brother, the brother that should be protecting them, not attacking them. 

The thought of that happening to my mate makes me feel sick. I close my eyes and take deep breaths. I haven't had an episode in a couple of years. But the fear is still there. The fear of something happening to her because of me. I feel such a pain in my chest at the thought of not being with her. And the thought of what could've been if I was normal.