Light x Reader x L - Death Note

Practically Horrified

"L, I'm Kira." 

His eyes are wide open. He stares at me and Yama horrified. My stomach is in a tight knot. 

"What is that?" He asks frightened. I look up at Yama who seems to be amused at L's reaction. 

"This is Yama, my Shinigami," I reply simply. And if it's even possible his eyes widened even more. 

"That paper, what was that paper?" I can't drop that on him too, this seems to be enough to make someone faint. 

"If you touch it, it allows you to see Yama. You're the first I've allowed to see him." He scrambles backwards until he reaches the wall, putting his hand up to tell me to stay away. I step forward but he yells out.

"No, stay away!" He raises to his feet but stays with his back against the wall. 

"You're scared of me?" I say it like it's funny but I'm saddened. "But it was only the other night that you kissed me - " I say stepping closer to him with a smirk on my face until I reach him. I bring my lips to his ear, "The same day you fucked me actually." I nibble his ear teasingly, "Remember that Lolly?" I say bringing my hand to his neck, slightly digging my nails into his skin. "But I suppose you regret that now..." I take my hand back, placing it on his chest. 

"I said I trusted you even though you lied and for the first time I have to say I was wrong." It stings that he would say that but I don't let it show. I shouldn't have let myself like him and grow this connection. 

"You know what you also said?" I say running my fingers over his stomach. He clenches his jaw. "That you loved me," I say it with a patronising sad voice, as if I'm mocking his affections. His eyes are glossy and it hurts to see him upset, for a second I think he notices my guilt but I bite my lip and bring my hand to his hair, combing it with my fingers. "So do you hate me now Lolly? I still like you." He grabs my shirt by surprise and flips us round so I'm now against the wall and he's blocking me from going anywhere. I see Yama in the corner of my eye, he looks like he's ready to pounce any second. I look L in the eyes, "Are you going to hit me?" I say testing him but to my surprise, suddenly his lips are on mine. It's an angry kiss and I feel his tears on my cheek but I melt into it. Is he stalling me or is this real? He pins me to the wall and kisses down my neck. He's holding onto me like his life depends on it. The kiss fazes out till he's just hugging me. "L?" My voice is softer now. 

"I can't... I don't want to." He says into my neck, sending hot breaths over my skin. "I still love you (y/n)." I blink shocked. I feel... relieved?

"Y-you don't care that I - that I'm-" I stutter. He brings his thumb over my bottom lip, I hate how much I love it when he does it. 

"I do care but, for you, I would end this entire investigation." He brings his hand away from my lips and to my cheek, avoiding my bruise. 

"What do you mean?" My mocking behaviour has faded. 

"If you lied about everything then I would be okay but did you lie about - about your feelings towards me?" I bite my lip. No, no I didn't but I came here to cut that away. If he hated me then I would have no choice but to hate him too. I nod. He stifles a breathe but keeps hold of me. "You're lying. Please say you're lying." He chokes on tears. I look away from him but feel a tear fall onto my cheek. "But you kissed me! Just then you kissed me back!" He says as I start to cry and my breathing paces. He pulls my face to look at him, "You still care, you do and I know you do!" I look down trying to control myself. "I don't understand why you're trying to pretend you don't care, I saw the guilt when you said those mean things. You kissed me back. You - you called me Lolly..." I lean my head back into the wall looking upwards, emotional pain is worse than physical that's why I've avoided things like this for so long. "(y/n) please don't push me away. I need you. I've never needed anyone but I need you." L has always been this emotionally distant person, never really connected to people. He's had to be this controlled, logical thinker for so long and now he's finally found someone he can show some feelings too it's being ripped away from him... and it's happening to me too. And I'm making it happen, I'm causing this pain for the both of us. But there's something bigger here than the two of us. I had a goal, I came here for information not feelings. He kisses me again but it's sad, it feels like he's begging for me. 

"L I can't be here." I sob. He shakes his head. 

"I'll help you." I look at him practically horrified. The man who had been set out for justice believes he's found Kira and is now willing to... help? I shake my head. And that's all it takes to break. He's pouring his soul out to me and I'm standing here refusing him. I haven't even told him the whole truth. 

"L I'm even worse than you think." I was supposed to be the strong person that people could look up to. I was comfortable with being the bad guy as that's what I wanted but here I am, crumbling. "I use Kira. Kira isn't me, he's just my puppet. He wants to be a God, the leader of the new world but me? I'm a liar even to him. I want chaos. I want to rip all the strings from these controlled little people and let them be whoever the fuck they want." My crying self has stiffened and I sound angrier and more driven but the tears still flow. "Kira wants a better place, to rid of all criminals. Well, I say let the weak die and let the ones who are actually fighting for what they want win. Killers are driven and all these sad little people want police and others to save them. Well if they aren't willing to fucking fight for themselves then do they really deserve the petty little lives they live? Every day people are fighting just to make it to the next day, while these dawdling idiots are struggling in a shop about what kind of coffee they should pick." I see Yama in the corner of my eye smiling seeing me finally collect myself. L takes a step back. "The Kira your searching for was no better than one of these dawdlers but he figured out he had to fight for his ideal world. His goals may not match mine but he's doing better than many. But me? I am ready for a fight of a lifetime in the name of mayhem." 

He shakes his head. "But I thought we were alike..." He says and I smirk finally wiping away my pathetic tears. 

"Well, we have a lot in common. When you're doing what you think is right sometimes there are sacrifices. For instance: You have no one. You may have your little butler but he doesn't see when you're really struggling, he doesn't know you personally, not enough anyway. And I haven't let anyone get close either. I have no one. So it seems when two lonely people meet they connect. Sorry if I wasn't what you wanted. You'll have to find some other loser." He pinches his lips together after my harsh words. 

"I don't want anyone else. I want you." He says. 

"You don't want me, Lolly." How could anyone even want me after what I just said? He shakes his head.

"Yes I do and if that means having to understand something that I have always fought then I will." He means fighting crime, I'm no more than a fucking criminal in his eyes. 

"If you had caught me and we never had the chance to meet then you would have given me the death sentence," I say coldly. 

"But we did meet and I do know you and I want to know you better. I want to see through your eyes." Maybe if he's so willing and he won't go against me then I will not only gain a friend, someone other than a Shinigami to talk to, but a smart ally. Meaning I don't need Light anymore. I just need to kill him and take his death note. I have a feeling choosing them both isn't an option... but something is saying I shouldn't hurt him. Light's eyes flash in my mind. I can't be going soft on him too. 

"L, if you want to be with me you'll be giving up on everything you built. I'm fighting people like you." He swallows.

"Well, change can be good." He says as if hopeful but even he doesn't seem so sure. 

"It can also be pretty fucking awful," I add.

A/N: I rewrote this chapter twice. I don't know how I feel about this outcome. This chapter was exploring L's emotions so this may seem out of character for him. Please comment opinions. I'm really enjoying reading all your comments so don't be shy to say your thoughts.