First There Was You

Chapter 55: Greyson

August 16

Loon Call Island, Lake Rosseau, Muskoka

Breathing raggedly, muscles screaming in agony, tightness spreading through my chest, I continue to push myself through the grueling workout, welcoming the burn. The peace that settles over my brain when all I'm focused on is my next breath.

I've been pushing myself for the past two hours, trying to numb the thoughts and feelings coursing through me.

Liam was rallying, sort of. He assures me he's on the mend, but I know he's lying, I can see it, hear it in his voice, see it in the way Sam stays close to him, the way his parents hover nervously. I can see it, and I resent him for it, which makes me hate myself, but I'm not ready to lose him. I'll never be ready to lose him.

But how can I even think to prepare myself for a life without my best friend? I can't even talk to him about it, I just can't put my needs before his, and he wants to be happy now, and I'm trying, but I feel like I'm drowning in the open ocean, waves crashing around me and nothing to hold on to.

So I hold on to the pain. It's all I have right now.

"Grey, I think you've had enough. Have some water, man."

Theo's voice jolts me out of my rhythm and I barely catch myself as l drop rapidly into a set of push-ups.

Like the other times he's tried to interrupt me, I ignore him. If I stop, I'll feel something, and I need the mindless oblivion that comes from exhaustion.

There are only a few ways I know to distract myself from feeling things you'd rather avoid. Booze, weed, girls, or this. Since I don't want to pick up a bottle again, and I don't have any weed, that leaves sex or exercise.

Mindless sex isn't on the table, so here I am.

I shove myself into faster, harder repetitions, fighting off the shaking in my exhausted body, wondering how much farther I can push myself until I pass out. Ideally, I'll stop just before that point, then crash into bed. I'm praying for a dreamless sleep.

"G, you look like you're going to pass out man."

"I'm fine. Leave me alone." I barely manage to grunt the words, before I hear Theo retreat.

I know I'm not fine, but I don't want to talk, I don't want him to look at me with that concerned look in his eyes, or ask me again, for the millionth time, if I want to talk.

I close my eyes when I hear him leave, fighting the wave of nausea that crashes over me from exertion.

Pulse pounding in my ears, breath clogging in my lungs, I finally feel my body start to rebel against the punishing workout, so I stumble to the bed I've been crashing in, down the hall from Theo and close my eyes, swallowed by the darkness before I even hit the mattress.

What feels like only moments later, I hear hushed voices, feel something cold, something damp on my lips, but I don't open my eyes. I can't.

I must make some sort of sign, or noise that I'm awake, because one voice, her voice, is louder, clearer the next time she speaks.

"He's awake, Theo, it's fine. Go get some sleep, or just chill, I'll stay with him for a bit."

The strange, cold, wet sensation returns to my lips and I let them part, the dry skin tearing a little, rather painfully.

"Greyson? How are you feeling?"

I grunt, still not opening my eyes, since they feel like lead weights, come to think of it, my entire body feels like it's made from lead.