First There Was You

Chapter 65: Greyson

September 4

Loon Call Island, Lake Rosseau, Muskoka

When I was twelve, Brodie and I went ice fishing together one weekend in January. As Brodie taught me how to auger holes in the ice and set the flags, I'd insisted on doing some on my own.

I inadvertently augured them too close together, creating a web of cracks between the trio of holes. I could hear Brodie's warnings clear as day in my ears, to watch my step, drill far enough apart, and I thought I had.

I remember running excitedly to check one of the flags, stepping in that sweet, sensitive spot between the three holes and plunging through the ice, close to shore. The water had been so cold, my lungs had seized instantly and the only thing I could hear as my head went under was the buzz and crush of the waves under the ice.

I was only underwater a moment before Brodie was sliding across the ice on his stomach, pulling me out. I could see his mouth moving, but I hadn't been able to hear him. I'd just stood there, frozen, shivering.

That's what I feel like now. I stand, frozen for a moment as Elle walks away from me. I'm about to lose her unless I can give her a reason to hold on.

But all I can hear is the buzzing, the pounding, the crushing beat of my heart in my ears.

My heart is screaming for me to go get her, to stop her from leaving, to tell her I love her. I want to beg her not to give up on me but my mind is fucking with me.

My mind is telling me she's better off without me, away from my anger and grief, away from me. Everyone I love, leaves, or is taken from me, I don't want her to be next.

Everything is spiraling out of control, and my brain and heart are speaking two different languages. I don't know how much longer I can keep everything I'm feeling contained or if it will all boil over.

I'm terrified of my grief, of the darkness rolling through me, of the anger. I'm terrified I'll hurt her, but I'm too desperate, I can't lose her.

When Ryan opens the door, I lunge forward and slam it shut before she can walk out.

Fuck. Now what? I'm holding the door closed with one hand and I can hear Hudson's fist pounding on the door, his voice hard and flat, telling me to open the door.

"Just a minute, Hudson." Elle's voice is strained but soft, reassuring. The pounding stops immediately.

"I don't know what to do, Elle." I don't even recognize the raw, cracked voice coming out of my mouth. It sounds like a stranger.

"I can't tell you what to do, Greyson. You have to want whatever it is."

I stare at her. How is she so calm? I'm about to explode here, fear, hurt, grief, anger rolling through me as I try to reign in my temper.

"What do you want?"

"You know what I want, I've told you from the start. I want to be with you, I want to love you and I hope, one day you'll love me. I want to show you how much I love you, every day. I want to be there for you, I want you to let me. I want you to want to be helped, right now, right here."

"I do love you," I choke out. She looks at me like I've slapped her.

"This isn't how you treat someone you love, Greyson."

"You're the one tossing around ultimatums, Elle."

"Not ultimatums, Greyson. Choices. Either you decide you're ready to be helped, or I'll decide for you."

"I think my choices for you are based on what's healthy, what's best for us, what I've seen and learned from other healthy relationships. Your option is based on fear, a need to feel in control, Greyson. You're asking me to trust you, to hold on. But can you do the same for me? Can you trust me to help you?"