Rules to Feeling Lonely

Prologue

A year ago

I used to lay awake. Almost every single night.

Awake because of the ever building pressure of everything and nothing pressing down my chest, followed by the constant questioning of what to do to make it stop.

I used to lay there and let it press further and further, letting it steal tears from my eyes as it slowly but cruelly lulled me to sleep.

My sleeping schedule wasn't necessarily something I'd call normal, or healthy. It was far from healthy.

And I knew that. I fucking knew it but still felt no necessity to do anything about it.

I was just a spot of gray, desperately waiting to find my world of color.

Turning on my side, I winced at the sharp pain shooting down my side.

"Fuck", I whispered, careful not to press my shoulder deeper into the mattress.

I'd lost my footing. That's how I'd explained the huge wound to my mother.

I'd lost my footing and I'd been lucky it had just been my shoulder that had been wounded by the pile of burning logs and paper behind me.

I'd been lucky, yet the sole memory of today made it hard for me to breath, the pressure on my chest increasing with each new intake of air.

I knew today was all my fault. I'd left it all out, and I shouldn't have.

Reaching my fingers for the object under my pillow, I closed my eyes and let the first traitorous tears slowly trickle down. I held onto the spine of the little book, highly aware of the burned edges that felt rough under the tips of my fingers.

"This is amazing, Ella"

I let out a sigh as the memories from hours earlier flooded my mind.

"The way you use your words", my teacher continued. "Most certainly for someone still so young. It's truly remarkable"

I was beaming. Grinning from ear to ear, my chest fluttering with excitement as I stared out at all the hard work that laid out on the kitchen table in front of me. All of my hard work.

"Thank you, miss Tollaber", I mused through the phone. "I'm so happy to see it all finally finished"

4 months of my blood, sweat and tears had been spread all over these pages. Memories and stories from people all around that I had turned into my own.

"Before I forget", she spoke quickly. "I still need you to send me table of contents. That's going to make bundling your notes on Monday a little easier"

Bundling my notes... God, that sounded like a dream. To have it all together and have your name at the very front of it.

"Of course. I'll send it right over" I got to my feet, clutching the phone in my hands as I carefully jogged up the stairs. Throwing my bedroom door open, I quickly went to my desk and reached for the little paper at my desk.

"I'm sending it now", I said, snapping a picture as I made quick work on my phone.

A soft chuckle came through the speaker. "You're going to do great in college"

If possible, my lips stretched even further at that.

"Have you taken a look at the brochures I gave you?" miss Tollaber asked. "I know it's still a bit early but I don't think there's any harm in looking in advance"

Right as she finished her words, I remembered the small stack of bright blues and yellows hiding under all the books and notes downstairs.

Boston University, University of South Alabama, William Paterson University. Many more names popped up in my mind and there was no helping the expansion of uncontrolled excitement racing through me.

I let my eyes fall closed and the image of students played out right in front of me as they walked around, smiling. Smiling as they build on their future. As they made friends. As they made memories.

My heart ached as I envisioned it all because in less than two years, that could actually be me.

"Well", I spoke, remembering the phone in my hand. "I still have to be accepted to one first"

Another chuckle. "With your talent, there's no doubt in my mind about that"

I could imagine the gentle smile curving up her lips.

"I-", I stopped midsentence, the strong smell of smoke invading my nose.

"I'm sorry, miss, but I've got to go", I spoke with a frown, walking towards my window.

"No problem", she replied. "I'll see you on Monday", I suppose would have been something she's said but at the sight of my garden, I'd dropped the phone and run straight outside.

Sprinting down the stairs, I could feel my heart beating against my chest. Not because of the sight of my boyfriend that had stood in the garden, but because of the fire that sat next to him.

Closing the door behind me, my breath hitched as my eyes zoned in on the University folders in his hand. Shit.

He'd found my stuff.

I didn't know he'd come over so I'd let it all out, and he'd found it.

A pair of light blue eyes turned my way and I instantly gazed down. Shifting from one feet to the other, I waited until he spoke.

"Universities?" he sneered out.

I nodded my head, keeping my eyes strictly on my feet "I was just looking"

I heard him huff out a sigh. "This is ridiculous, darling"

I cringed as the flyers landed in the fire but when I noticed what he had used to start the fire, my stomach dropped.

"What are you doing?" I stepped forward at the sight of my notebooks but he simply lifted his arm and I stopped into place. Lifting his finger, he shook his head. "No, darling", he mocked. "What are you doing?"

"I...", I whispered. "I was- It's just-"

"That's right. You don't know what you want", his voice grew louder, my arms instinctively wrapping themselves around me.

"And this?" he grabbed for one of the few books that still remained unburned. "Running off, away from you family, from me? To some far away place to follow this new dream, of what? Becoming a writer?"

I was tongue tied as he threw in my precious work, a singly tear making its way down my cheek.

"I've told you this a million of times. There are enough options nearby that I know you can do" I felt absolutely nauseous. Maybe he was right, maybe not, I didn't even know what to think anymore.

"But this? This is just humorous" my eyes widened as he grabbed for the one notebook I would dive into that fire for. Quite ironic if I remembered who it came from.

"Nathan, please", I pleaded, voice cracking. "Not that one"

"You don't get it. Do you?" he said, waving the book around. "I'm doing this for you. You need to understand that all these impulsive ideas and dreams of yours are going to ruin you"

And then he did it, exactly what I pleaded him not to, and threw the book in. "I'm doing this to protect you"

"No", I screamed as a hand had tried to pull me back from the fire, I had tumbled backwards and fallen with my shoulder right against a bright burning log.

I pushed away the awful memory and remembered I was safely in my bed, tightly clutching my burned notebook. At least I had been able to pull it out.

I kept tossing and turning, hissing at the wound on my shoulder but nothing managed to quiet down the chaos that played out in my mind.

So that night, too, I laid awake.