From Dusk Till Dawn

Chapter 9: Things Could Be Much Worse, Right?- Joseph's Pov

Before I knew it I found myself standing in front of the drafting building waiting for Roy. Last night in the dwindling hours of my sleepless night, I told myself that I'd be a complete failure of a man if I didn't go and sign up today. I know that's pa's greasy voice in my mind telling me so.

So here I stand, no here I crouch in front of the building waiting for my panic attack to pass. My eyes flash around anxiously, observing men walking into the building efficiently, then coming out as our new protectors. The rapid beating of my heart feels as if at any moment it'll tear a gaping hole in my chest.

The first day when I felt like I'd die from the panic, was a memory I've tucked so far deep in my head. All I know is pa was one of the main reasons for it. It's more than fear and panic of pa, it's of everything I see and do and I can't get those dark thoughts out. This fear sits inside me like a turtle inside its shell.

My eyesight feels a little blurry as I look up at the blue sky. I find that focusing on an object and describing its features is a real help to me. So I find myself the largest fluff cloud I can and focus on it's personal features.

"Hey, kid are you feelin' alright?" An older man with a thick beard comes up to me. "Yeah, just under the weather, I suppose." I stutter. The man nods. "Don't I feel ya." Then he enters the drafting office going on with his day. Shutting my eyes tightly, I try to get up.

As I open them my eyes land Roy who's approaching with a few college buddies of his. It's time Joseph, I remind myself.

Without thinking, I dash around the building heading the opposite direction. Why am I like this? Why do I feel so afraid? I'm not the only one terrified about war am I? War isn't some trip to the ice cream parlor. Countless men at work appeared almost eager to go fight. A younger man closer to my age was even excited to get away from his wife.

My breathing slows as I rest my head back against a brick building of a restaurant. By the name of it, the restaurant appears Italian owned. Taking off my newsboy cap I push the few loose curls that dangle down on my forehead. Ma has been insisting for months that I need a haircut. I've been refusing though. I dislike ma's uneven haircuts and would rather spend the money at a real barber's shop.

"Move along kid I ain't got any scraps for ya." A man in a dirty apron joins me out in the alley to dump a pitcher full of dirty water. Ignoring him, I take my leave. In hopes of not running into Roy,

I think about heading back into work but instead I head to Central Park. I only dropped by the station to clock in for the morning before telling my boss where I was headed. I've never been to Central Park once before. I live too far away to come here often.

Through the freshly snowed grass, my boots crunch.

As I sit down on a sturdy bench I tug the crimson scarf that Ma knitted closer to me for warmth. After embarrassing myself in front of well, myself I needed to stop and take a breath.

My eyes take in strangers walking their dogs on leashes and young families skating together on a frozen lake. Ever since I was a young child I'd make it a habit of purposely spotting happy families at the park. I'd imagined what their pa did for a living and how happy he would be to see his family when he came home after an exhausting day.

Seeing families like that makes me envious of them. I've always wanted a happy family.

I always wanted a family who'd go on picnics and take walks around the park just because they loved each other. My family isn't perfect and I still love them no matter what, I just wanted the way my family lives to be different. My thoughts don't even seem to make sense in my head anymore. Then again I don't think my thoughts were ever sane.