Love Yuh Bad

Did I Lose You?

**** FLASHBACK / Saturday, February 18th 2023 ****

Ms. Phyliss' POV

It's not right for a child to leave the earth before their parents.

I carried Nardane for nine months, brought him into this world, just for him to leave before me.

Now that's a different kind of pain...

Mi and Clyde neva raise him fi bust nuh gun, but ah dat kinda life him did want fi himself.

And mi did talk to him enuh....

Almost every time I would call him on the phone, or he would come to the house to visit us.

"Nardane, yuh need fi change yuh lifestyle...mi want better fi yuh" I would say to him.

But he would never take it seriously, he would just laugh it off, or make some half-ass promise about how this was only temporary.

Well it seem permanent to me now....

Mi one pickney, dead and gone leff mi and mi not even get fi tell him goodbye.

"Phyliss dem seh di hearse up ah di church now darling" my husband Clyde calls to me from the living room.

I've been in the bathroom for over an hour, standing still as I stare at myself in the mirror.

I haven't been able to eat or sleep since I got the news, all I can do is stand and sit around.

Feeling stuck in time, as my mind tries to piece together the little that's left of my current reality.

Nickoi was the one who called to tell us the news, his words have been the soundtrack of my life ever since.

"Dem just find Nardo dead inna wah warehouse"

I felt my knees get weak instantly, as mi heart drop inna mi stomach.

Nardo? My Nardane? Couldn't be....

Di same way mi did inna shock that day, is the same way mi feel right now.

Heart nuh stop race since mi hear dem word come out ah Nickoi mouth.

"Phyliss, yah hear mi" I hear Clyde's voice question me, I turn to see that he is now standing at the bathroom doorpost.

"Yes yes, sorry mi did juss inna mi head...." I reply quickly, moving to finish applying powder to my face.

I analyze my eyes....puffy, very puffy and red.

I move to brush off my black dress, adjusting my collar to make myself look as neat as possible.

"Looking very beautiful my love" he says to me, before coming behind me and placing a small peck on my cheek.

If it wasn't for Clyde mi woulda neva mek it this far...

He was taking this better than me, but he was still torn apart as much as I was.

I hadn't seen him cry, but last night when he thought I was asleep in bed, I heard him crying next to me.

I started to feel my heartbreak all over again...

It made no sense to keep on living when I had lost my child, but I still had Clyde to live for.

"Come mek we gwaan up ah church" he says to me gently, taking my hand in his and leading me out of the bathroom.

While most funerals in Jamaica are preceded by a Nine Night, I did not have the capacity or the willpower to host one for Nardane.