You drew stars around my scars

Chapter 4

You padded down the stairs, wrapped up in a giant hoodie. You could smell the food halfway down the stairs and you faltered slightly, trying to decide whether to keep going down or bolt upstairs. You rationalised that you'd have to face Taylor at some point and after her catching you exercising last night you thought it was better to just get it over and done with. As soon as you entered the kitchen both the women looked up at you and suddenly you felt like you'd made the wrong choice. You tried to appear calm and cool but your legs were shaking slightly as you walked over to sit down. You picked at the skin around your nails while your mum and Taylor chatted away about how they wanted to spend the day, after a few more minutes your mum pushed a plate of food towards you. You glanced at all the food on there, immediately feeling repulsed by the grease clinging to it all. You muttered your thanks and picked up your fork slowly, you prodded all the food, delaying actually eating anything until you realised the room was silent – you lifted your head up and realised both your mum and Taylor were staring intently at you. You took a deep breath, stabbed some eggs onto your fork and hesitantly put it in your mouth. You mechanically worked your way through all the eggs – chew, swallow, pause, drink, repeat. You tried not to look at Taylor too much, fearing she could see right into your brain but you did glance at your mum periodically – you could see the tension radiating off of her but noticed that she began to relax with each bite. The guilt stabbed through you as you realised the anxiety she had been feeling and you became more determined to hide it better.

Taylor was only here for 2 days - you just needed to get through this weekend and then everything could go back to normal. You knew that you had to be more discreet with skipping food, you knew Taylor would see right through your lies and she'd clearly told your mum about last night already, she wasn't to be trusted.

As you finished off the eggs you worked out there was less calories in the bacon than the sausage so you began to cut it up into tiny pieces, trying to fill the time. You pushed yourself to eat it then placed your fork down "That was great mum thanks". The two women exchanged a quick glance before looking back to you, your mum had a questioning look on her face "aren't you going to eat the pancakes? They're taylor's recipe". You crinkled your nose slightly "nah, I'm full up". Your mum glimpsed at your plate then straight back into your eyes "you haven't eaten much...is everything ok?" you smiled softly at her, kept your voice quiet intentionally "I'm fine, just tired. I'll wake up some more and gran something else later – don't worry". Your mum nodded but you could see she wasn't convinced – your heart started beating quicker and you tried again "actually my stomach hurts a bit, I'm going to go and lie down quickly. I'll see you both later." You bolted out the room before either could say anything to you.

After about 5 minutes you heard a soft knocking at your dog, you pretended to ignore it but the door opened anyway. You sighed as you saw Taylor walk into your room , feeling annoyed with her that she had betrayed you to your mum. You thought she would always look out for you but you knew now that she wouldn't protect you. "Hey Buddy, wanna come downstairs and watch a movie with us?" you rolled over, facing towards the blonde but not meeting her eye "nah I'm good, thanks though". Taylor walked over and sat beside you on the bed. "You know I HAD to say something right? You're a child. You were up in the middle of the night exercising. I couldn't pretend it hadn't happened..." you bit your lip, stopping yourself from snapping at her "it's fine Taylor, I wasn't doing anything wrong – I told you I just wasn't tired. But whatever – I'm not annoyed. I just don't feel well." Taylor frowned slightly – not used to this sullen version of you. She took a deep breath "Sweetheart, you can tell me what's going on – I can help you" you rolled your eyes at her "Nothing is going on! I am fine! Will it keep you happy if I come and sit downstairs?" the blonde wiggled her eyebrows "very happy". You smirked back at her, admitting that you did feel pretty lonely shut away and stood up.

You ran downstairs, feeling Taylor's fingers close behind trying to catch you. Laughter bubbled out your chest as you dived onto the sofa, wrapping yourself in a blanket so she couldn't get to you. Your mum smiled widely at you both "everything ok?" you glanced at Taylor and nodded quickly "everything is fine".

That afternoon Taylor dragged out twister – you knew you were more flexible than them both so agreed. Besides it gave you a chance to stretch your body a bit – you had been laying around all day and felt stiff. You stifled giggles as you watched your mum and your godmother try and contort themselves into the weirdest shapes. You managed most positions with ease. Finally you had to switch your right hand behind you, as you reached you didn't notice your hoodie ride up but the two women did. They watched in slow motion as your spine became visible, both of them noticed how much it stuck out – cementing that you had lost a lot of weight. Your mum recoiled in horror – making eye contact with Taylor who's face mirrored hers. They quickly composed themselves, painting a smile on with an unspoken look that suggested they would chat later. As you tried to hold the position your legs buckled and you ended up in a heap on the floor, laughing as you did so. You turned to look at your mum who was smiling back at you, what you didn't notice was how fake it was.

You all decided to give up at this point – you snuggled up on the sofa with Taylor as you browsed through Netflix for something to watch, Taylor reached out to grab the bowl of popcorn, grabbing a handful for herself and offering it over to you. You nudged it away and curled tighter into her – she squeezed you tightly and kissed the top of your head. Her hand absent mindedly ran up and down your back, her fingers making their way to your spine. You loved the feeling of somebody stroking your skin so didn't even notice until her fingertips ran up the entirety of your spine – that single motion brought you straight back and you stiffened under her touch then shifted slightly so she couldn't do it again. The blonde looked over to your mum, tears threating to spill over and a "I told you so" look on her face. Your mum nodded back at her, understanding exactly what Taylor was saying. She made sure you weren't looking then mouthed "we'll talk later". A silence fell across the room, all 3 of you wrapped up in your own thoughts. Your mum picked up her phone, went straight to safari and typed in "does my daughter have an eating disorder?"