You drew stars around my scars

Chapter 10

The hospital appointment went well the next day, the doctors were happy with how all the injuries were healing. They told them they could stop the antibiotics and cut down the pain relief to 2 times a day as long as jess could tolerate it.

The next stop was to discuss the funeral arrangements, they made all the necessary decisions and arrangements and although it was sad the teen actually felt like a weight had been lifted off her chest.

They quickly drove to the final appointment of the day, Jessica slouched down into the passenger seat, determined not to have to go in there. As Taylor got out and opened her door the teen avoided all eye contact – studying a spot on the floor. Taylor took her hand but the girl pulled away "I'm not going in there", Taylor took a deep breath – she had been anticipating this all morning, remembering what it felt like to be forced into treatment, she rubbed the girls hand comfortingly "come on buddy, there is nothing to worry about." Still the girl didn't budge, the blonde tugged slightly on her arm – attempting to get her to move "sweetheart, it's going to be ok" The teen shrugged "I don't need to go and see them, nothing is wrong. I don't have a problem – I'm just grieving". Taylor sighed and braced herself for this conversation, reminding herself of her mums words about tough love. She turned Jessica's face towards her, forcing the teen to make eye contact "Jess - I will drag you in there, kicking and screaming if I have to" Taylor hated being mean like this, but she knew it was for her own good – she had tried to nudge her gently in the right direction but the more she tried to ger her to see her behaviour was a problem the more Jessica pulled away. Jessica didn't look up from her hands the entire time Taylor was talking. "If you think you don't have a problem then it's not a problem going to prove it is it? But all of this resistance just confirms what I already know and proves this is what you really need".

Taylor held her breath, waiting for the teens reaction and she relaxed immediately as Jessica reluctantly slid out the car and walked towards the building in silence. Taylor kept glancing over – trying to gauge the girl's emotions. As they approached the door Jessica stopped dead, Taylor walked a couple of steps ahead then turned around, she put her arm around the girls shoulders and squeezed her tightly "You're ok, come on it's going to be ok", Jessica made no move so Taylor stood for a second "Take a deep breath and then just be really brave and take a few more steps". Jessica nodded slightly, took a deep breath and then started walking again – Taylor let out the breath she had been holding once again and they walked forwards and into the Doctors office.

As they settled in the waiting room the young girl began biting her nails, a nervous habit she'd developed – Taylor pulled her fingers from her mouth and held her hand tightly instead. Jessica turned to her "you are coming with me, right? I don't know what to say and it feels awkward. They're just going to judge me" Taylor smiled affectionately at her "of course I'll come, I will always do anything you need me to. But sweetheart they're not judging you – when they ask you the questions it's just to get more information so they can help you in the right way. Nobody is judging you, ok?" The young girl nodded stiffly, not convinced by her guardian's words but too nervous to argue back.

Quickly Jessica was called back into the exam room. It was a different Doctor to last time and she introduced herself as Dr Smith from the eating disorder team. They had fast tracked her referral and considering the events leading up to it thought it was better to be consistent with who she saw.

The doctor began by weighing her but because she hadn't been able to drink a lot of water this time her weight was always going to be lower. That combined with the fact that she hadn't eaten properly for this last week meant she had lost a considerable amount of weight – one that firmly put her BMI into the dangerous category.

Dr Smith knew about what had happened but still tried to give her to opportunity to explain how the last 10 days had been. When Jessica barely responded Taylor stepped in and voiced her concerns about Jessica's eating – or lack of it.

Once the doctor had inputted all the information into her computer she turned back towards the pair of them.

The Doctor stared intently at Jessica who was fidgeting nervously "From this point onwards I want to make it very clear that all of your decision making around food and calories is going to be taken away." The teen's mouth dropped open slightly and Taylor reached over, squeezing her hand – trying to comfort her. The Doctor didn't falter though "We are very clear in our treatment plans – there are some things that are never negotiable whether you are at home or in hospital and that is what you eat, when you eat and how much you eat". Tears welled up in the teens eyes and she dropped her head down. Taylor nodded slowly, indicating she agreed to these terms. "You will have a set amount of calories a day – determined by our dietician. You will be watched at mealtimes then as your build up trust again you will start to regain some independence. For now – mealtime rules include no cardigans/jumpers, sleeves pushed up, hair tied back. Whoever is supervising you for that meal will log whether you have eaten the whole meal, part of it or none of it. We will review this as a team weekly and check your weight." As the discussion continued Taylor listened intently, noting things down on her phone but Jessica began to withdraw, her hands were trembling and she began bouncing her knees – she was biting her lip trying to stop the tears from spilling from her eyes. Both the women looked at her "I know it seems overwhelming right now but all of these rules are just there to protect you – you need to let us help you". Taylor thanked the Doctor as they stood up to leave – she felt positive now she was armed with leaflets and contact deals. They agreed to schedule a follow up for another weeks time to check on how Jessica was doing, as they walked out the room the teen realised that she really had lost all control in her life. Nothing would be the same again.

That night Taylor was determined to get the teen to eat dinner, she felt stronger following the doctors appointment – knowing that she really did need to push the girl.

She cooked some chicken, pasta and vegetables – nothing to overwhelming. She called the teen to the table and braced herself for the battle ahead.

When the plate was put in front of her the teen made no effort to pick up her fork. Taylor sighed and tried to pass it to her but Jessica sat with her head down, staring intently at her glass of water. Taylor forced the fork into the girls hand and put her fingers under the girls chin, pushing her head up – as soon as they made eye contact Jessica teared up "I just can't do it!" Taylor smiled sympathetically, her eyes soft and her voice calm as she responded "you can, I believe you can" Jessica still made no attempt to touch her food so Taylor tried again, putting a bite of food onto the fork and lifting it to jessica's lips "Buddy, listen to me – ok? Recovery is hard, I appreciate that. You're going to have to do things you really don't want to do – things that you're going to hate doing. But you have to push through. You have to try. You know that being here, at home, is a better choice for you and I really want to support you with that decision – but most importantly I need you to be safe. So you need to eat. Come on, good girl". Jessica took one bite tentatively, chewing slowly and trying not to cry. She reached out and took the fork off the woman and slowly made her way through some more of the meal. Taylor was eating alongside her, encouraging her the whole time. When she was about halfway through she couldn't stomach anymore, she dropped the fork down and glanced over to Taylor "I'm done", Taylor eyed the plate carefully before addressing the young girl again "no, you need to eat that – you can do it, come on – you've done half" at this point the tears spilled out of Jessica's eyes, dripping down onto her chest but she picked up the fork and choked down some more of the food, when she had made it through about half of what was left she stopped again – her eyes pleading with the blonde who was sitting and waiting for her to finish "Tay, I really am full. I can't physically eat anymore". Taylor nodded sadly at the girl, reaching over to take her plate "you did well sweetheart, that was a great start. Let me clear this away and we can go and watch a film ok? You can pick" Jessica nodded solemly and went to stand but Taylor quickly stopped her "just stay there please? Wait for me and I'll come with you – I don't want you out of my sight for a bit". The teen slumped back down in her chair in frustration, feeling once again like all her control had been stripped away. She picked at her fingernails until Taylor returned and led them both to the sofa.