You drew stars around my scars

Chapter 22

Later that day Taylor felt her phone vibrating next to her, she saw it was her Mum but she didn't have the energy to talk. She stared at the phone until the ringing stopped. Her mum tried again a few times over the next hour – desperate to engage with Taylor but each time her calls were left unanswered.

Taylor's phone dinged with a message from her Mum 'please just let me know you're ok. I'm worried about you. If I don't get a response I am coming back.' Taylor stared at the words on the phone then typed a quick reply. 'I'm ok. Tired. Going to bed. Speak soon'

The tone was blunt but she had no energy for niceties. Although she knew she needed to shower and have dinner she couldn't be bothered to move. Instead she rolled over and went to sleep – hoping to pass the time away.

The next morning she woke up, feeling just as exhausted as when she went to sleep. She felt as though a black cloud was hanging over her – she couldn't shake the feelings of failure and anxiety. She knew she should reach out for help but she also felt like she deserved the 'punishment' of these emotions for leaving Jessica alone in the hospital.

She had a couple of messages from her Mum and Tree – both checking in on her. She ignored them and opened up her social media apps instead – reading through all the comments about her and groaning internally at the speculation there was about the 'family emergency' that led to Andrea visiting the hospital.

As she scrolled mindlessly through TikTok her phone flashed with a call from Tree again. Taylor declined it immediately – not wanting to talk about anything. She felt a familiar pang in her stomach – hunger- and realised she hadn't eaten since yesterday morning. She knew she needed to eat but she had no inclination to move and make food. She ignored the rumbling of her stomach and rolled over – looking aimlessly at the wall. She began to wonder about Jessica – whether she'd eaten, whether she was still crying, whether she knew Taylor would be there as soon as she was allowed. The fear that Jessica felt abandoned grew again – a heavy weight on Taylor's chest. A text pinged up on her phone again from Tree 'I can see you've been online. Ignore all the comments – things will settle. Have you had breakfast?' Again Taylor swiped up, silencing the message. She opened up the browser and began to do some reading about treating eating disorders – she was checking forums for parents and combing through all the information available. She had been doing a lot of reading for the last few months but she knew the situation had changed now the girl was an inpatient. She wanted to be prepared. Hours passed by as she soaked up as much information as she could. She realised that the hospital wasn't the worst choice to have made – she read that for others it was the turning point in them finally getting better and as much as she hoped that to be true for Jessica she also realised that for some people it taught them more eating disorder behaviours and increased their sneakiness. She also realised it wasn't going to be that easy to recover, that Jessica may have to be forced into eating if she continued to refuse– she knew they were in for a long bumpy road ahead of them and the despair set in again.

Throughout the day Tree and Andrea reached out to Taylor but were ignored. Scott and Austin sent messages but also got no result.

Finally that night Taylor sent them all another short message stating she was fine, just taking time to herself. She turned her phone off and turned on friends on the tv for background noise while she attempted to sleep. She woke up at multiple points during the night, unable to switch her mind off – overwhelmed by her racing thoughts. She tried to put some of the thoughts into a song but nothing made sense and she gave up once again. At 3am she finally padded to the kitchen, getting some water and some painkillers for her headache. She poured a bowl of cereal, knowing she needed to eat something but the lump in her throat made her feel sick as she swallowed. After only just a couple of bites she dropped the spoon back into the bowl and walked away – leaving it on the side. She decided not to head back to bed, instead pulling a blanket over herself on the sofa and trying to fall back asleep.