You drew stars around my scars

Anxiety

Taylor stirred awake and tapped her phone, squinting as the screen lit up – displaying the time as 4am. She knew in her gut something wasn't right. She swung her legs round and padded down the hallway, softly opening the door to Jessica's bedroom. The teen was sitting cross legged in the middle of the bed, her phone in her hands and tears streaming down her face. Taylor quickly realised she had her headphones in so hadn't heard her approach, the blonde got a quick glimpse of the phone screen before Jessica's head snapped up and she swiped at her face furiously, trying to hide the tears. Taylor sat down gently "What's wrong buddy?" Jessica shook her head slightly as she locked her phone and placed it face down. Taylor sighed "what were you looking at?" Jessica looked down, mumbling "nothing, it doesn't matter". Taylor reached out – trying to pry the phone out of the girl's hands but Jessica moved it away "It's nothing Tay, it wasn't my phone that upset me!" the blonde frowned slightly "then what's going on? Talk to me darling"

Jessica picked at her nails slightly "I...It....I don't know. I did something kind of stupid and I've just upset myself". Taylor's breath hitched in her throat and she tried to keep her voice calm as she asked "what did you do?" Jessica stalled for a few seconds "I...I got some scales online. I've been weighing myself. I didn't trust what they were saying in therapy and needed to know myself. But it's just set off a bit of a spiral in my brain. I've slipped back into doing it a few times a day – I can literally see the difference with what I eat and how much it's making me gain, I've been tracking it on my notes app and I can see it going up. Everyone said it'll even out but it isn't. I'm still gaining weight!" Her tone had turned frantic and whiney as she spoke and Taylor moved closer rubbing her arm "Ok, well thank you for telling me – that's a really big step and I'm so proud of you for doing that. I know it feels overwhelming but you have to trust me when I say this – it will even out. Even if it doesn't – your weight doesn't define you. Now you're eating more you have more energy, you're sleeping better, you're enjoying life more – that's so much more important than a number on a scale. But I get it – it's hard. Is that why you're refusing to eat certain things again? I noticed that you had gravitated back towards your 'safe' foods?" Jessica nodded "When I've eaten I've been weighing myself and I guess I got a bit fixated on which things didn't make my weight go up as much – it's like the walls are closing in on me again. I don't want to go down this path but I just don't know how to stop!" Taylor nodded and pulled her in for a hug "That's ok – we will figure it out. I think we need to book another therapy session this week, unpick it all. I want to help you"

Jessica pulled away "I don't really want to talk about it in therapy – I just want you!" Taylor sighed "sometimes I need a bit of help though buddy – there is nothing to be worried or embarrassed about. I promise". Jessica gave in and nodded in agreement and cuddled up to Taylor, her eyes closing. Taylor didn't want to disturb her but knew she had to set the boundary tonight "You know I have to take the scales away, right sweetheart?" Jessica pulled back, a look of frustration on her face – she was about to argue back but then clearly thought better of it "yeah, I know. It just sucks". Taylor kissed the side of her head and stood up to retrieve them from the teen. She took them to her own bedroom and hid them before returning back to the teen and cuddling her until she fell asleep.

The next day Taylor pulled up outside the treatment centre for the emergency appointment she had scheduled, the car ride had been silent and tense – Taylor knew the girl was battling with her own thoughts. As she waited for the teen to get out the car she quickly realised Jessica was shaking with anxiety, she sighed sadly and squeezed the teen's hand tightly "I know you're hating every second of this at the moment and I promise I'm really not doing this to be mean but it's important we are honest with them. Nobody can help if they don't know what's happening. This is another really important, really brave step in recovery."

Jessica sniffled slightly "I just feel like there is a battle, it would be so easy to fall back into skipping meals and it's difficult because I'm actively telling people about that so I'm feeling really guilty for allowing myself to be stopped. I want to recover but also that guilt is eating me alive and I want to just be left alone to be able to restrict again – it makes no sense I know." Taylor smiled softly "It makes total sense. I remember it well – that feeling that nobody 'gets it' – that everyone is wrong. But I can see it from both ways – I can remember that voice screaming not to eat, to lose more weight, to fight against everyone BUT I can also so it from the other side – where recovery is so worth it. I can see it from that parenting perspective where I am so desperate for you to see how amazing you are, how worthwhile it will be for you to recover. My love for you far outweighs the fear you're feeling. I promise you that." Jessica nodded and pointed towards the building "I just don't like them – I wish we could do this, just you and me". Taylor squeezed her hand again "You don't like them because they're giving you really firm boundaries that are challenging your eating disorder and that's scary for you, now come on lets go."

The appointment went as well as Taylor expected – the team had given them guidance on what to do and the blonde could see the teen was trying to hold it together. As soon as they were back in the car Jessica brought her hands up to her face, covering her face as she cried. Taylor rubbed her back and attempted to soothe her "It's ok – you're ok. I know it feels like a lot but I promise you it won't be that bad. Remember what they said – it's really important I push you forward while holding your hand and guiding you through". Jessica cried even louder as Taylor spoke "But they said I have to try a new fear food every day. EVERY DAY!"

Taylor nodded "I know that feels scary – but it's true in what they're saying, when you have your safe foods close you will never move away from them because you will default to them. If we do what they say – if we remove all your safe foods from the house then it'll challenge you to step outside your comfort zone. We don't have to do it all at once – let's make a list of your fear foods and work our way up to some of the scarier ones. We can do it at your pace, ok?" Jessica was not reassured though – she continued to cry and Taylor could hear her breathing quicken, she pulled the teen's hands away from her face and forced her to look at her "The eating disorder keeps you feeling safe and I know me taking that away is making everything feel uncertain. But – by me taking control you don't have to feel responsible. I can take the pressure off you. You can find safety in me Baby"

Jessica wailed now "But I just feel worse! I've gained weight and my mindset hasn't changed! I still feel as scared but I'm just fatter and feeling even more guilt".

Taylor wiped the girls tears away "As you can more weight and stay within that healthy weight range, recovery becomes easier – in time your brain will not see weight gain as such a bad thing. It gets worse before it gets better, you have to battle through all these hard feelings. It will get easier but you have to do it every, single day. There are no breaks, there are no days off – no weekends where you can restrict. You have to eat everyday, you have to try those scary foods and push through your fear. Slowly the fog will lift, you will realise eating is not so scary – that food is not going to hurt you. Your anxiety will lessen, I promise. Do you trust me?"

Jessica chewed on her bottom lip, thinking for a split second before nodding "always". 

If anyone has any ideas or requests please let me know! I'm definitely running out of ideas...