You drew stars around my scars

Refusal

Jessica felt so uncomfortable with her new body, she had been looking up ways to lose weight quickly again. She had gotten caught up in eating disorder forums – scouring them for hours, reading about what other girls ate, how much they exercised, how they hid food. She had managed to drop off what she was eating, she was hiding food again – whenever Taylor looked away she spat food into her napkin or hid it in her clothes then disposed of it later. The biggest advise she had seen was to trying fasting. The girls online swore by it – one girl said she often went 3 days without eating and she had posted photos of her body. Jessica saw by looking at it she had really lost control of her own body – the thought repulsed her and she knew she needed to get on top of it.

Yesterday she had tried to fast but she caved and had fruit and yoghurt for breakfast – the guilt overtook her so she skipped lunch but Taylor forced her to have a salad for dinner. She could feel the calories seeping into her, layering up the fat all over – she knew she needed to act.

Today was the day she was going to go the entire day with no food going into her body. No matter what – she wouldn't let Taylor keep fattening her up, she needed to take back control.

She set an alarm for 6am – going into the kitchen and preparing breakfast – cereal with milk, a banana and a glass of orange juice. When it was all laid out she took a photo, messaging Taylor 'up and eating'. She then quickly disposed of it all – pouring the orange juice and milk away, tipping the cereal and banana into the bin then burying it underneath everything else – strategically leaving the banana peel on top. She put her bowl in the dishwasher then went back to her room to do some sit ups – she was sure that somehow she had consumed calories just by touching it all. She did this for 40 minutes until she was worried she'd get caught – she then sat reading.

Taylor woke up around 7, reading the message and replying "I'm so proud of you baby". There was a slight anxiousness in her stomach though – she had noticed the last couple of weeks Jessica's eating had dropped down again and the last few days it had been a real battle. Taylor half suspected that Jessica hadn't eaten but then reasoned with herself that the teen wouldn't have gone to all that effort – especially sending a photo if she wasn't going to actually eat. She decided to give her the benefit of the doubt, heading downstairs to grab some fruit for her own breakfast.

Taylor had a work call with her entire team from 12-4, she had reluctantly made Jessica's lunch and left it in the fridge. She had tried to convince the teen to eat early with her but Jessica declined – saying she preferred to stick to 1.30 or she would be too hungry later. Taylor's anxiety grew again but since she was the one with the conflict she decided to ignore it, realising she couldn't be suspicious all day every day. Meanwhile Jessica's anxiety was matched by her adrenaline. She had successfully managed to skip 2 out of 3 meals. She just needed to dodge dinner and she would have completed a whole day without food – she truly believed she would wake up tomorrow feeling lighter, more accomplished – she needed to push through, she couldn't give up now. She couldn't waste this opportunity.

She was sitting on the sofa scrolling through the forums when Taylor reappeared – having finally finished her work meetings. She peered over the teen's shoulder – trying to see what she was doing but Jessica quickly locked her screen. Taylor kissed her head "Hey buddy – how was lunch?" Jessica shrugged "fine"

Taylor studied the girls face "did you eat it all?" Jessica nodded "yep – took a photo of my empty plate to prove to you"

She pulled up the photo, showing only crumbs remaining – she tilted the screen towards Taylor. The blonde reached out and studied the photo, as she zoomed out she accidently swiped off the photo – revealing the rest of the camera roll, she frowned slightly as she realised they were all screenshots. She quickly tapped on one – then scrolled through a few. She realised they were all eating disorder forums – Jessica was screenshotting advice on how to hide food and skip meals.