You drew stars around my scars

Chapter 23

Taylor barely slept that night, she was so anxious about seeing Jessica again the next day – she had checked her alarms about 100 times, just to make sure they were going to go off at the right time.

In the morning she poured herself a large coffee and choked down some toast. She got ready and then quickly headed to the hospital.

She headed to the nurses station, her voice trembling as she introduced herself. Finally the nurses showed her to Jessica's new room, informing her that the doctors would be in soon to talk to them both.

Taylor opened the door slowly, poking her head round and glacing at the teen. She noticed Jessica was awake but staring into space, she walked over towards her, pulling the girl out of her thoughts "Hi Buddy!". She was nervous about how Jessica would react and there was a split second where anger crossed the teens face but it was quickly overtaken by a big smile. The two of them embraced in a tight hug, Taylor kissing the teens head over and over. They stayed like that for a minute, swaying slightly. Jessica's voice came through so small "I missed you! I didn't know if you were coming to visit". Taylor pulled back and held the girls cheeks in her hands "I have missed you so much too buddy – I wanted to visit straight away but I wasn't allowed. This is the first day I've been let in but I promise I will be here as much as they will let me be". Jessica nodded, looking down at her hands "I'm sorry..."

Taylor pulled her in for a hug again, squeezing tight before releasing her "You have nothing to be sorry for baby. We are all going to help you. How have the last few days been?" Jessica shrugged as she picked at her nails, trying to get out of answering. Taylor put her hands over the teens, stopping her from fidgeting "Have you been eating at all?"

Jessica's head shot up "It's so hard Tay, they're giving me all this gross food I don't even like and there is all these rules – eat this, don't eat it like that, eat quicker – not too quick." Taylor listened intently, aware the young girl was probably being dramatic.

She really looked at Jessica for the first time since she walked in – the girl looked exhausted, her cheeks looked even more sunken in – her skin was pale and she looked so frail. Taylor swallowed down her anxiety, trying to convince herself that she was being paranoid. Before she could ask anymore questions the doctors walked into the room, greeting both her and Jessica. Taylor became aware that Jessica immediately shut down when they came in – she watched as the teen physically curled up into herself, appearing even more withdrawn, she reached over and took Jessica's hand in her own – rubbing her thumb across the back of the teen's knuckles.

The doctors all stood around the edge of the bed, they informed Taylor that Jessica had really struggled over the last few days – Taylor glanced at the teen but Jessica refused to make eye contact. The doctor addressed Jessica this time "Now that Taylor is here I think as a team we need to acknowledge the big problem here Jessica. Your weight is incredibly low and you are refusing to eat. Mealtimes are becoming more and more challenging for you, over the three days you have had the opportunity to eat 3 meals and two snacks a day. You have refused nearly every single one. Over the last 72 hours it appears you have had a couple of yoghurts and 2 bananas. I would truly say your life is at risk and I believe the only way to deal with this is to play an NG tube." Taylor gasped audibly while Jessica let out a strangled sob, her body shaking with fear. The doctor turned towards Taylor "Now, it would be easier if we had your consent. We can organise it and get it done this morning. But if you do refuse then we will apply to the courts – this really is a matter of life and death now". Tears welled in even Taylor's eyes now, she glanced between the medical team in front of her and the broken young girl. Jessica was shaking her head furiously, attempting to beg for mercy. Taylor couldn't bare to look at her anymore, she turned back to the doctors "Give me one hour? If I can get her to eat then you will hold off on the tube–if she doesn't eat you can go head and put it in". Jessica's face burned with betrayal but Taylor no longer cared – she couldn't lose Jessica too, she would do anything to make sure that didn't happen.

The doctors mumbled amongst themselves before finally agreeing. They agreed Jessica could have a breakfast of two slices of toast with jam, a yoghurt, some fruit and some full fat milk. Taylor knew they were foods that Jessica would eat – there was nothing she disliked there.

They all filed out the room and soon after a nurse came back carrying the tray of food. Taylor was hoping the nurse would leave them alone but this hope was crushed when the nurse sat down in a chair at the end of the bed.

Taylor uncovered the food, nudging it towards the teen. Jessica stared down at the blanket, refusing to look up or communicate with Taylor or the nurse. Taylor put her fingers under her chin, forcing her head up "come on baby, this is your last chance. If you don't eat this then they're going to put a tube into your belly – you don't want that do you?". Jessica shook her head slightly, and allowed Taylor to push the plate of food forwards, she picked up the spoon and undid the yoghurt but the nurse stopped her "toast first, then yoghurt and fruit.". Taylor swallowed down her frustration – not understanding why it mattered what order the food was eaten in.

Jessica hesitated, just staring at the toast until Taylor picked up a piece and handed it to her "You can do it darling, come on". A tear slipped down Jessica's face as she took a small bite, Taylor watched as she chewed it over and over again. Jessica broke off another small piece of toast and lifted it to her mouth, the nurses voice filled the room again "you can't rip it up, you have to bite into it". Taylor arched her eyebrow questioningly towards the nurse – unsure as to what it mattered. The nurse looked back blankly at her "she isn't allowed to use ED behaviours when she eats – tearing up food is a behaviour. She needs to learn to eat normally without using behaviours to compensate." Taylor nodded, understanding the sentiment but frustrated that it seemed so picky when Jessica was clearly fighting just to force every bite in.

Everyone watched as Jessica took another small bite of toast, chewing and chewing – she lifted the cup of milk to her lips, taking a miniscule sip. As she pulled it away the teen studied the opaque cup. Taylor rubbed her arm slightly again "keep going". Jessica looked down at the food, a vacant stare on her face – she robotically took a bite, chewed, sipped milk and started again.

Pride swelled in Taylor's heart as Jessica pushed through the fear she was experiencing – the blonde knew she could get Jessica to eat and she began to doubt the suitability of the hospital once again. The next 10 minutes passed and Jessica had finished all the toast. She moved onto the banana, following the same motions. Within another 5 minutes only the yoghurt remained. Taylor handed the spoon back to the girl, encouraging her to continue. Jessica ate this with very little fuss and Taylor felt that this meal had been surprisingly easy – she had expected a battle at every single bite but with gentle encouragement Taylor had convinced the girl to push through. The nurse noted down the completion of the meal, surprise evident on her face. She stood up, ready to clear the tray away, she quickly looked over it all again "Oh sweetie you need to finish your milk". She picked it up of the tray and went to hand it to the teen but faltered, she looked at the cup then up at Jessica again. Taylor was confused and stared between the two. The teen reached out to grab the cup back but the nurse was quicker – pulling it out of the teen's reach. She walked over to the sink in the room, pouring the white liquid away.

Jessica began to cry and Taylor's confusion grew quickly "what? What's wrong?!" The nurse walked back over and tipped the cup onto Jessica's try – chewed up toast falling out as she did so "Jessica was clearly chewing the food and spitting it back into the cup – she hasn't actually eaten any of the toast or banana". Taylor's mouth dropped open as she stared at the teen in shock. Jessica reached over and grabbed her hand "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" The tears began to fall and Taylor jumped up pulling the girl into a tight hug once again. The nurse excused herself to go and get the doctors while Taylor worked on calming the girl down "I'm sorry Tay – I tried! I promise I tried but it's just too much!". Taylor wanted to shout at her that she hadn't tried at all but instead she just rocked the girl, soothing her with kind winds. Soon the doctor came back in, looking expectantly at Taylor "I really don't think we have any choice Ms Swift" Taylor took a deep shaky breath and looked straight at the Doctor "Ok, let's do the tube".