three hearts in one home (l.s.)

15. Car rides and graves

We talked about a lot during the ninety minutes drive but now that we’re getting closer and closer to the cemetery, we both turned silent.

I stare at the road, hands holding on tightly to the steering wheel. I don’t want him to feel sad, I want to protect him and I need him to feel happy.

“Um”, Louis says when we park the car right next to it, “Would you, I haven’t, I haven’t visited here before, like, ever because, I don’t know, I’m pretty scared and I, I just wanted to ask if you would come with me, maybe. If that makes you uncomfortable, please say so.”

It’s probably weird that I feel relieved because of him asking it but I’d like to be there with him, I’d like to be there for him when he does this.
“Of course, I will.”

He smiles a little relieved and then gets his crutches from the backseat to exit the car.
We walk there in silence and even though he’s never been there since his funeral, he seems to exactly remember the way. I follow him a little behind so he doesn’t feel pressured or watched. It’s a weird feeling to do something that personal with him but I also appreciate how much he trusts me.

When we arrive at the grave, I walk to some bench nearby to give him some time in private.

I think I can hear him whispering something while he stands in front of the grave and I try not to look at him so he gets his space.

After about five minutes he turns around to me and signals me to come to him.
“Thanks”, he mumbles, “Is it weird when I talk to a gravestone?”

He smiles shyly and I shake my head. “It’s not. You’re also not talking to the gravestone but to your mum and I think many people do it.”

He smiles again. “I hate that you have to meet her like this”, he whispers and god, I hate to see him so sad.

I don’t know what to say so I keep silent and wait for him to do anything. It’s not as awkward as I thought it would be, but I’ve been in more comfortable situations.

“Can I”, he starts and stops again, “Can we sit down at that bench first? My leg hurts.”

He chuckles quietly and we walk over to a bench right across from the grave and we sit down there together.
“This probably sounds extremely stupid now, but I told her about you.”

I smile and when he smiles back, he takes my hand and lays our hands down between us on the bench.
“I hope you only said good stuff about me.”

He nods eagerly. “Course I did. I told her how much you helped me and how much I liked being with you.”

I blush a little and keep staring at the gravestone. Louis doesn’t deserve this; he deserves being happy.

“Thanks for going here with me”, he says, “I couldn’t do it on my own.”
I smile softly and lay my head down on his shoulder carefully. “Always.”

He’s still holding my hand or maybe I’m holding his or maybe were holding each others. I don’t feel exactly comfortable, were on a cemetery visiting his mum’s grave, but I feel safe.

“Can you tell me about her?”, I ask, whispering because I don’t know if that’s to personal.
He nods. “Sure. She was the most amazing woman alive. She took care of me and loved me like nothing else in the whole world.”

By now, there are tears forming in his eyes again but he keeps talking. “She raised me alone and yet she was always happy, always smiling, even towards the end. She sang me songs to fall asleep to and she read me my favourite story every evening. She cooked us dinner every single night, no matter how tired she was from work. She provided me the best childhood I could’ve had. She died from cancer but even the months before she passed, she was still the happy and caring person I got to know her as. I knew I’d want to be as good as a parent as she was ever since I was young.”

He’s fully crying now, nuzzling up against my shoulder. I try to calm him, rubbing over his back in circles and pulling him in closer without hurting his leg.

“I got you. It’s fine, you have every right to be sad, love. Let it all out, you’ll feel better eventually. I’m sure you will, I’m here with you.”

I keep whispering in his ear and I don’t know if it helps but he doesn’t move away but hugs me tightly so I think it might make him feel better.
I am not sure how long we sit there until his crying gets less and his sobbing gets quieter, all I know that it felt like forever until he finally stops that heart-breaking noise and that my sweater is wet on the spot he laid on by the end.

“Sorry”, he mumbles and keeps his face hidden in the fabric, “Guess I never really allowed myself to cry about it.”

I still hold him tight, pressing him against my chest. “It’s all good. I’m here for you, that’s why I came with you, okay?”

He nods against my shoulder and then moves away a little so we’re not as close anymore, but our arms still touch and his hand is still laying on top of mine.

“Thank you for being there with me. I needed that. Thanks.”
I wish I could kiss him, the way he looks at me makes me feel all fuzzy, but I know that this is not the right time or place.

“Oh, of course, darling. Do you feel any better?”
He nods quickly. “I felt so bad for not visiting here when she was always there for me, I needed to do this and I needed to cry about it. I do feel better, yeah.”

I kiss his forehead this time, right where his hair starts and he smiles up at me again.
“Can I ask something?”, he asks but doesn’t wait for my answer, “Is it bad that I’m in town but don’t want to visit my childhood friends and old house?”

I shake my head. “You don’t need one,but is there a reason?”

I look over at his mum’s grave again, feeling sad about someone I didn’t know, feeling sad about never having had the chance to get to know here. That woman, that sounds like she was the best mum in the world.

“Yeah.” It’s quiet and I don’t ask for the reason, I don’t need him to explain, I just accept it, but he tells me anyways. “It reminds me of her, of how everything was when she was still here. It reminds me of home and of my childhood and of happiness and I’m not sure I can take that yet. Is that dumb?”

I kind of think it’s stupid how much he relies on my opinion; how much he counts on the things I say when I’m not that smart when I can’t give good advice.

“It’s not dumb, not at all. You’ll be able to visit them soon, take your time love.”

He nods and when we leave the cemetery and sit down in my car again a few minutes later, I can see how relieved he is.

There’s silence on the way back home, both of us following our own thoughts but it’s not an uncomfortable silence. It feels safe, being there with him, having shared that experience, knowing he’ll get better.

~~~

kind of sad chapter but it felt necessary to be added to the storylineeee

how'd you like it?