three hearts in one home (l.s.)

two months later

I sit down on the couch next to Louis, who’s watching some show on TV. I just laid down Noa in bed and she fell asleep rather quickly. We’re very happy with how well she sleeps for her age.

“Hi, honey”, I say and smile.
He doesn’t response but keeps watching a weird quiz show. I snuggle a bit closer, leaning my head down on his shoulder.

We keep watching in silence for some time and it feels a bit weird. I can feel that he’s tense and not once did he comment on the annoying voice of one of the woman.

“Lou? Tired?”

He shakes his head. “It’s okay, no.”

“Baby, come on now. I know is up so please talk to me.”

He rolls his eyes slightly. “I don’t want to.”

“Please. I want to know what’s wrong. Maybe I can help.”

He shrugs and keeps staring at the TV. “Does it feel like you love Noa more than you love J?”

“What?”

“Do you love her more than him?”

I can feel how I’m getting upset, wanting to cry already with the way he looks so disappointed in me.

“Why would you think that?”, I ask, trying not to let my voice tremble too much.

“Because you just, it just feels like you, maybe we’re-“

“Fucking hell, Louis”, I say, interrupting him because a tear is already running down my cheek, “Why do you say things like that? Do you know how insecure this is making me?”

I try not to cry and concentrate on the now muted TV screen. “I do everything in my power to care for Jonah as much as possible. I love him with my whole fucking heart. Getting to know him was one of the best things to ever happen to me. He showed me happiness and comfort and endless, unconditional love. Being able to give that back because he allowed me in so quickly, was the biggest privilege I’ve ever had. Hearing you say things like that, Louis, hurts.”

My voice cracks at the last part and I quickly wipe away two tears streaming down my face.

“I-“, he starts, but I shake my head.

“No. I don’t want to right now. I can’t do this discussion right now, baby.”

I get up from the couch and walk out of the living room, trying to process what just happened. Me and Louis usually don’t fight, not often and nearly never over such important topics. What if I really make Jonah feel as if I didn’t love him? Maybe I’m that bad of a dad after all. Louis was always better at it. Or maybe, I shouldn’t have talked over him. I should’ve let him finish to speak, I don’t even know what he was going to say.

I lean against the kitchen counter and hide my face in my hands, letting the tears roll down for a bit. It’s exhausting, caring for a child, but all the love makes up for it. Getting told you don’t love one enough, feels like all I ever worked for, didn’t work out.

I hear Louis getting into the kitchen and even though he’s the cause for my crying right now, I let him wrap his arms around my waist and comb through my hair with his fingers carefully, because I really need his comfort.

“Baby”, he whispers, “I’m so sorry, come on, let me try and explain, please. I was wrong, I know. Don’t cry, babe. I can’t see you like this.”

“But I do love him, Lou. I, I just, I love him so much. Do I not show it? Am I that bad of a dad?”

He frowns as he looks up at me through a bit teary eyes and shakes his eyes. “No. No, Harry. No, you’re not, baby, please.”

“Can we go back to the couch?”, he asks, “I’m gonna explain.”
I nod, grabbing his hips so I can lift him up. He wraps his legs around my waist and wipes the tears from my cheeks with his thumbs before leaning his head against my chest.

I walk us both to the living room, sitting us down on the couch, him in my lap, covering us both with the fluffiest blanket.

“I’m sorry”, he says again, “I want to say first, that I am wrong for asking that. I’m sorry. You’re the best dad ever, Haz. You’re amazing. I love everything you do; I adore the way you treat them, have always appreciated how much you accepted Jonah from day one on.”

“So why did you say that?”

“I had a nightmare last night.” It’s still a thing Louis has. Not as frequently as he had it shortly after his mum died, but still more regularly than for example me. They’re very realistic too, often, what makes him worry about all kinds of things.

“I know it doesn’t explain anything”, he quickly adds, “I know that. I don’t want to find excuses. I know it’s hard already to treat them equally, and it just doesn’t always work, especially not with that age gap. I just dreamt that Jonah was sad because of us loving her more than him and then, then he was jealous of No in real life last week and I thought that maybe, we’re bad parents, maybe I make it seem like she’s more important and maybe you love her more because she’s growing up with you. It’d even make sense. I mean, of course it would. I can’t even expect you to love them equally, but I know you do. I know it, but all of these thoughts and efforts I make to treat them equally and then that dream, it’s just been so, so much.”

“Hun”, I whisper into his hair, “Come on. Why didn’t you just tell me? We could’ve left out the stupid fighting part.”

He nods, wiping his cheeks now. “It always feels so stupid, being affected by a dream so much.”

“Is okay. I don’t want this to come across offensive, but, do I ever make it seem like I prefer Noa?”

He shakes his head so quickly that I’m sure he means it. “Never. Not once. I promise, H. I’m just overthinking because it’s been so hard for Jonah, growing up with just me and then in those past four years, you made everything better. And I love that Noa is here, so, so much. She’s perfect for us. I just never want Jonah to feel left out.”

I nod and kiss the top of his head again. “I get you. I always want the best for him too. I just think that we’re worrying too much. He always tells me. Tells me that he’s happy and that I shouldn’t worry so much.”

Louis nods. “I’m sorry. I know that was a horrible thing to ask.”

I pull him a bit closer and kiss him. “We’re okay. You’re gonna relax now, baby, and stop worrying for once. It’s okay."

He lets his head fall against my chest and I comb through his hair until he falls asleep, carrying him to bed and laying down next to him and Jonah, who must've crawled into our bed a bit earlier.

I hear Noa sigh in her sleep quietly and feel Jonah’s hand wrap around mine while we’re all sleeping in the way too small bed, but still, I fall asleep faster than ever.

~~~

<3