Querencia | Finnick Odair

Nineteen

Finnick and I join the training. We get moved up from our initial group quickly, seeing that in both stamina, speed, and strength we are ahead. Now we are in a group that keeps up a challenge. Finnick quickly gets used to the guns, our instructor initially being surprised that I knew how to assemble and disassemble one, how to clean it. I answer that whatever weapon they give me, I would be able to handle it. I have worse dreams that night, the dreams of the people I killed, of screams and sirens and blood, of naked bodies. And after trying to go back to sleep for more than an hour I am leaving the compartment we got newly assigned after our wedding, searching for Gloss, after kissing Finnick twice to assure I am okay.

Gloss compartment is a few floors down.

He too is awake and pulls me into his arms the second the opening door reveals me. And in his arms, I cry and sob. His arms feel safe. He has always been safe to me, ever since that one night that seems forever ago.

"I was dreaming of it again. I haven't...not about that, but I...will it ever stop? Will I ever be normal again?"

He runs a soothing hand over my hair again and again.

"You are extraordinary, normal has never been an option for you, but no, I don't think this will ever leave us. Not fully, not ever."

We sit on the floor, holding hands. My left, his right, as it has been before.

"After all of this, if we all survive, will you come live with us? With Finnick and I? And Theresa?"

"In District Four?"

"Yes. I...my house, home is not something I want to grow old in. And living by the beach does sound nice, doesn't it?"

"I suppose it does. I mean, I cannot flunk out of Uncle duties, now can I?", he smiles.

I lean my head on his shoulder and finally, finally fall asleep.

Breakfast is shared between Johanna, Finnick, Gloss, and I, later Mrs. Everdeen joins and brings Talisa, whose new favourite person is Gloss. Johanna looks bad. She is sharing a compartment with Katniss, across from Mrs. Everdeen, but she is making her way through training quite well, despite looking half-dead.

We all move into S.S.C. together, mastering it together. While we are in no way the celebrities we were in the Capitol and back home, we do get some looks from the other Soldiers. A younger girl, six- maybe seventeen asks us for tips. And I have to catch myself from seeing a tribute I mentor, preparing for slaughter. Finnick grasps my hand tightly when he notices my discomfort.

"I am alright", I mumble into his chest.

"I know. I know what you see in her. I know you don't like it."

"They are children, Finnick. Prepared for battle."

"Considering that Katniss is a child too."
"She is, Finnick, my good, she is just seventeen and Peeta...gods...I this all..."

He rubs circles on my back in the same rhythm I breathe in and out until I calm down.

The next day something else happens. Silas Donovan joins the S.S.C. and at my reaction, Finnick, Gloss, and Johanna block him from reaching me. They do not question it and Katniss too joins in on ignoring him.

At dinner, Silas, as always, takes the table far across the hall from us. On our table, next to the usual group of victors joins Delly, a girl from twelve, Gale, and Katniss who, once receiving good stew, actually joins in on our conversation. Until Peeta stands there, behind Johanna.

Katniss remains frozen, while Peeta explains that he is allowed in a social environment with shackles and guards. Johanna offers the seat next to us, I take his tray and set it down. Delly, who seems to know Peeta, greets him kindly.

"Thanks, Delly, I wasn't sure I'd be welcome."

"Nonsense", Johanna says, "we are old friends. Had adjoining cells and everything. We all know the sound of each other's screams quite well."

My hands freeze midair. Yes. We knew the others' screams. Johanna's and Gloss' and Peeta's. Finnick takes the spoon from my hand, cupping my face in his.

It takes some time until I can banish the screams behind that door in my mind that shuts out all the bad things, at least until I fall asleep.

"Sorry Little T", Johanna mutters.

"It's alright. Nothing that isn't true."

But it isn't the same after. Everything is tense, and after Peeta's comments on Gales and Katniss' relationship - which I still dislike - the two of them leave and Delly begins reprimanding Peeta which leads him into arguing with himself.

"Hey, hey Peeta, come, it's alright. Nothing we cannot work through", I mumble, softly take his spasming hands.

"Breath with me. In and out, slowly", I put pressure on his hands in that rhythm, the same way Gloss and Finnick do for me.

"How about we take a walk? Some fresh air will do you good. I am sure nobody will have anything against it, considering you wouldn't get far, trying to run."

He simply nods dazed. I grab one of his hands, with the other taking his unfinished bowl of stew, slapping Johanna's spoon away with a small grin.

The weather isn't beautiful, but at least it's not raining. I lead Peeta to sit down by a heavy oak tree next to the small creek, the guards a few steps behind us.

"Eat. You need it. I hope you had some of that cake you made us."
"Yes, Finnick had some brought to me."

"Thank you again, it was beautiful."

"Nothing to thank me for. I mean, I cannot count how many times you and Finnick saved me in that arena. And Katniss. The person who everybody says I am would thank you for that too."

I swallow.

"I...You and Katniss owe me nothing."
"I do. I owe you a lot. I remember you, in that cell. You were always worse off than me, but you always looked out for me."
"You looked out for me too. In the interviews? I...you were always better at these things."

"So I am told."

"You are kind, generous and loving. You are an artist, a survivor, and an actor. And you will get through this. You will figure out a way. You have already gotten much better."
"I...most of these things focus on..", his hands spasm again, I take them in mine once more, and he breathes in and out, "sometimes I think I can recognize when something, a memory, is a lie. Its...more intense...no, I can't describe it, but then there are the ones that seem so real, maybe are real and...I just, I don't think anymore."

"Things with her, with the Games are always complex. We do things we would never do otherwise, the arena...the Hunger Games are not only a tool of oppression, they show us what humans, the supposedly most innocent of us, are capable of. What monsters we truly are. And we need to learn to live with that. I killed eleven children. I will never forget their names, their faces. I...made choices that I will regret for the rest of my life. But I made them and while they were the right thing to do in that situation for me to survive, doesn't mean I won't regret them. We all, every single one of us, has those regrets, those choices. You will have to choose again and again to fight. Because that's the right thing, and maybe you will regret it, to come back to this chaotic shitload of a world as the person you were. Because without all that rage and hatred and anger that has been planted inside you, this is all so much more exhausting."

"Finnick really lucked out with you, didn't he", Peeta mumbles.

"Well, I think it's on both sides. I wouldn't have survived this without him. Johanna and Gloss too, but a lot of it was him."
"Of course, you would have. You are the strongest person, the best fighter I know."

"No, that's not what I mean. If it weren't for them...I would have ended it a long time ago. Thrown myself onto my katana or something other, less messy, who knows."

Peeta looks at me wide-eyed.

"I think our time is up. And I need to catch some much needed sleep."

I bring Peeta back to the hospital wing.

"Thank you again. For believing in me."

"Of course", I smile.