𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐄𝐍✔️

THREE|WHY

  I WAS ALONE.

I was always alone. People always left me.

He probably hated me now, but I guess I was okay with that. After all, I was used to being hated. It was all I had ever known.

I glanced around the room trying to find, something... Anything. I would not be taken again. I would not bow down to the hands of a second cruel master. I had to go, I had to get out somehow. I refused to stay and watch this whole scenario repeat itself all over again. I had to break the cycle. I had already been through hell and back once, I would not survive a second time.

I would not fail this time, I told myself, no one would stop me from being free.

My eyes landed on a glass cabinet lined with small pill bottles and medical supplies. I swung my legs off the side of the bed, bare feet feeling strange and uneasy against the cold floor as I inched my way over to the brightly coloured pill bottles. My legs shook and quivered beneath me, feeling as though they were about to buckle at any given moment.

The metal handle was dainty and cold beneath my fingertips, and the cabinet door screeched in protest as I pulled it open, my eyes skimming over the labels of the many bottles before me.

I couldn't read the labels of the first few bottles, I had only ever learned the basics. I never really got a proper childhood because of that monstrous man. My eyes reached one label that I could make out one word from.

Sleep

And that was exactly what I wanted to do, I wanted to sleep forever and never wake up. Without even thinking I grabbed the bottle and ripped off the lid, I made my back over to the bed and sat down clutching the tiny bottle between my hands. The open window let in a cool summer breeze. It suddenly caught my attention, an open window.

This time I would make sure no one could stop me, I poured the small yellow pills from the bottle into my shaking hand. A small glass of water lay on a table beside me.

Closing my eyes I poured the large hand full of pills into my mouth, swallowing them down with the water, using at least half the bottle.

Now it was only a matter of time. The wait was the hardest part, the long, drawn-out time between life and death. All the while I wondered, would it hurt?

It felt as though a great weight had fallen into the pit of my stomach, and I let the half-empty bottle slip out of my pale hand, falling to the floor with a clatter. The remaining pills scattered across the floor irreparably, as I made my way over to the window.

It was large and low, and I rested my palms against it, feeling the hardwood beneath my fists. I felt as though I couldn't breathe, my lungs failing to constrict with the effects of the pills, leaving me slowly suffocating.

Or maybe it wasn't the pills at all. Maybe it was just my mind. Perhaps both. I pulled my way into the windowsill so that my legs hung out onto the world below.

Fuck, I thought, I had never been this high. Looking out of the window I had to be on at least the sixth or seventh floor of the building.

Outside of the building, there were trees, and then more trees as far as the eye could see, blurring into one great monotonous green line. Just beyond that, there were elegant snow-peaked mountains just far enough away that they were slightly faded into the distance, looking like frosted pillars upon the plane. It was beautiful. Although not as beautiful as the Grey Winter cliffs, but still, beautiful. If only in its own right.

I could feel the pills slowly starting to make my vision blur and distort with the need to sleep. My grip on the window faltered slightly, almost sending me plummeting to the floor.

If I was going to do this, to jump, then I needed to do it now.

I closed my eyes, exhaling deeply, hoping that with the expulsion of the breath, my fear too would be expelled. It was almost peaceful, the only sound being the wind echoing amongst the wood, the feeling of almost flying as my legs dangled hundreds of feet above the ground. Almost.

I began to lean forwards, teetering, releasing my grip on the windowsill, moments away from falling when the door opened behind me.

"Look, I'm sorry about how — ,"

My eyes grew large and I spun around to face the man. He was staring at me with wide and fearful eyes, just as frozen in place as I was. He looked... Terrified.

I cursed to myself, would he try to stop me? Would he even care? Probably not, except for the mess I would make when I hit the ground. Still a selfish death was preferable to no death at all.

" — Don't!" He yelled as I let go of the windowsill and leaned forward out of the window.

He wouldn't stop me. Not this time.

I expected to feel the air lapping at my skin, the bitter cold kiss of the wind, the brief moment of agony before an eternity of peace, but I didn't even make it out of the window before strong arms wrapped around me, dragging me back into the land of the living.

I kicked. I screamed. I begged. I fought.

I begged for him to let me go. For the second time, I begged for him to let me die. Perhaps this man was just as selfish as me, for once again he stole that sweet release.

"Let me go!" I screamed, desperately clawing at his hands and arms with my nails, to get him off of me, drawing blood but he didn't care. My whole body felt weak with the electricity pulsing through my veins at his touch. I was reduced to nothing.

He was so much stronger than anything I had ever encountered before. The strength of a beast. I was no match.

" — What the fuck is wrong with you!" He snarled. He was there on the floor clutching my shaking form impossibly close to his chest as if frightened that with the slightest release I may slip between the cracks and disappear forever. "Why would you do that!"

And for an impossibly long time, I lay there in his arms, with his warmth surrounding me like a weighted blanket, or a fire on a winter's eve, filled with the scent of pinewood and unguarded warmth. I couldn't hold back the tears any longer, the pressure grew too great until I fell apart in his arms, vicious cries wracking my entire body, a helpless sobbing wreck.

"...Just let me die." I whimpered.

I couldn't fight against him anymore, I could feel the copious amount of pills in my system start to drag me deeper and deeper into the depths of the darkness. Soon I would not be able to surface, and I felt a small smile grace my lips. Soon I would drown beneath the waves of sleep. Soon I would rest.

His eyes caught the empty bottle discarded on the hardwood and I could've sworn he held me a little tighter.

"Please, please tell me you didn't take those pills!" He begged, but it was no use, the damage was done. I would get my end, one way or another.

I could feel his tears as they fell from his cheeks onto my aching body. "What have you done..."

It hurt. It really fucking hurt.

I didn't know why, but something about seeing him cry tore me apart in a way nothing ever had before. This was a whole new world of pain.

"Why would you do this to me?" He whispered, shattering the silence between us. His voice was not steady, strained with an unspeakable agony. I could hear the raw emotion and pain in his voice.

I had hurt him, badly. A mortal wound, seeping tears and salt.

"I...I —," My lips fumbled over the letters, my tongue growing lazy and my eyelids heavy. It was already too late, the darkness had me in its grasp and now it would never let me go.

And I hoped that this, at last, would be it as my eyes fell shut.

But I knew... I knew deep down that he would never let me go so easily. He would do everything he could to keep me with him, to keep me from my solace. He had gone this far already, jumping off a cliff to save me, I dreaded to think of the lengths he would go to just to save me from myself.

Just before the world turned dark, one final thought came to me. Maybe he did care?