The Long Way Home

Chapter Sixty Four: Companionship

I wont go
I can't do it all alone
If this ain't love, then what is?
I'm willing to take the risk

Adele – He Won't Go

"I'm sorry but the mission was unsuccessful."

Elizabeth's kindly voice was stilling ringing in Cass's ears like a church bell as she stood alone on the Eastern Balcony trying to hold herself together. She wasn't the only one feeling the weight of this burden impressing upon her shoulders. She had seen the dejected faces and mannerisms of John's team when they had trekked back through the gate.

Carson hadn't been able to look her directly in the face, his gaze was on the floor staring at his shoes when they had had the conversation in Elizabeth's office. She knew he was blaming himself but Cass simply didn't have the capacity to reassure him that what was happening to John had been an accident and he wasn't at fault. She was shouldering too much and she could feel it bearing down on her so much that she could barely breath. She couldn't lose John, she simply couldn't.

Cass didn't know how to function without him any more. She had spent her whole life waiting to meet him and now Fate was trying to snatch him away again. It wasn't fair. The point was it didn't have to be fair. Life wasn't that way inclined, it owed them nothing and Cass was left to sit here stranded amongst this sea of regret without a paddle.

There was nothing she could do, at least that's what they were telling her. Without those eggs there was no hope, John was rapidly declining and time was running out. There was a sense of urgency still present inside of her and it shook her to the core to know that there was nothing for her to do. She was used to fighting and battling for people's lives against death but this wasn't her war.

It frustrated Cass to the high heavens and she felt herself rubbing her hands over her eyes in an attempt to get some clarity on the situation. There had to be something she could do, anything. She nudged their connection for reassurance and found it strangely dormant. Whatever John had done had locked her out indefinitely. She couldn't even sense him on the other end and that worried her. Did it mean the monster had taken over completely or as her keeping her out for her own protection?

Jesus, she missed him. She missed the security and solidarity she felt when she was around him, how he made her laugh with one of those hilarious quips, she even missed the way the left side of his mouth curved up when he was struggling to keep a straight face.

Cass didn't want to think about what would happen to him once these twenty four hours were up. Carson had said the changes would be irreversible but Cass wasn't sure if she could really believe that wholeheartedly. To her there would always be piece of him buried deep down inside and she would carry on believing that a part of her husband still remained. She knew that was foolish, she thought as she laced her fingers together and stared out across the turmoil of the sea. She was a doctor and that part of her understood the implications and effects of John's condition, it was the wife that was having a problem holding it together.

Unfortunately Cass had been the wife more and more since their marriage. It wasn't a persona like the doctor was, it was who she actually was and she couldn't change that. She had to stay strong for John because he needed someone in his corner fighting for him. If she admitted defeat it would be like giving up on him and he would never do that to her.

No matter what happened John had always had her back, even over the rumours about her and Ronon. They had never verbally conversed about it but she knew that he was protecting her reputation by avidly showing his support of their friendship.

The sorrow that crashed down on Cass was tremendous, her heart was bleeding out drop by drop as the grief stole away all logical comprehension of the situation. Her eyes were burning once more as the ache in her throat returned. She had promised herself she wouldn't cry, that would be admitting that the worst was going to happen but the truth was Cass couldn't see a way out of this. Her hands covered her pale features as her elbows came to rest upon the railing. God, why couldn't this be easy? Why weren't they allowed the happy ever after?

Cass heard the metal doors hiss open behind her. She didn't need to turn around to know that it was Ronon, she would know his hulking presence anywhere. He didn't say anything as he approached her, he could see the quiver of her shoulders as she pursed her lips shut so she didn't betray herself. He understood the desire to grieve privately, she didn't want anyone to see how badly she was hurting deep inside and he respected that but Cass didn't deserve to go through this alone.

His huge hand came to rest upon her shoulder as she bent her head forward to hide the salty tears that were cascaded down her exhausted features. She had been putting everything she had into this over the past few days and it was ruining her.

Ronon understood that she wanted to find a solution and to spend every single moment she had with her husband but it wasn't healthy to bottle it up like this. They were all going through something similar. Sheppard played such an active part in their lives it was hard to imagine what the universe would be like without him.

"I just need a minute." Cass told Ronon through ragged, broken breaths. "I just need a second to pull myself back together."

The larger man gently turned his friend around until she was facing him. Her once dazzling blue eyes were lifeless and dull, they shone with the tears that were trickling down her face as she stared up at him like a frightened child. He wanted to take the pain away, he would do anything to fix Sheppard but even that dedication wasn't enough. His thumb chased away one of the stray tears that were seeping down her flushed cheek as she stared up at him with the most devastated expression he had ever seen upon a woman. She reminded him of Melena in terms of the sight before his eyes.

That vapid despair when she looked at him was so vividly potent and it cut him so violently he felt something inside him wrench. Sheppard would want him to take care of his wife and Ronon would do that for his friend. He would give her the comfort she sought because the other man could not right now. He knew that he would be no match for her husband.

His love for her was that of a friend, he couldn't provide the security or the connection that she had with Sheppard but he could give her some assurance. She wasn't the only one that cared, Cass wasn't fighting this war alone. His hands grasped her shoulders as he drew her against his larger stature. Her forehead came to rest upon his chest, her fists gripped his rough shirt tightly as she let out one long choked breath.

Ronon's huge hands rubbed up and down her back in soothing circles as the first of her sobs wrecked her body. The front of his tan coloured shirt was becoming moist with her tears as her body vibrated and quaked with heartache. There were no words that came to mind when he cradled this woman close, only the immense desire to care for her after everything she had given him.

Cass had treated him like a human being, she had seen his inner scars and had helped to heal them with her understanding and compassion. He would never be free of his past but she had helped him turn his attention to a brighter future and with Sheppard's help he was becoming a man of his own destiny.

Sheppard was another one of his friends, that man had worked his way into his trust with the cunning and subtleness of a wolf. He had always had Ronon's back, in the field and on Atlantis. He had taught Ronon how to fit in the best he could without being condescending and his acceptance had become wide spread amongst the others. Ronon's bearded chin came to rest on top of his friend's dark head of hair as she clutched onto him like someone whose hope had been completely shattered. He cradled her even closer, sheltering her from the wave of agony that was threatening to overcome them.

"It'll be ok." he told her, his gruff voice full of emotion as he spoke. "I promise everything will be ok."