Before She Even Knows

Chapter 16 - Well, hellooo to you too Emma

I'm trying hard to pretend that yesterday never happened, I really am, but it's nearly impossible.

I even dreamed about it and woke up all sweaty and panting. Thinking about it, I guess it was more like a nightmare.

The party, Diana, the kiss, the yelling. It's all been playing on my mind over and over again.

I have mixed feelings. I feel sad because although I don't like him either, who wants to hear that they're not... likeable I guess? No one, right? My ego is hurt and crying listening to sad songs.

The other side of me can't stop wondering thinking about us. I mean, it was one hell of an amazing kiss. It's undeniable that we had chemistry. I don't see two people who despise each other kissing like that.

Pondering everything, the best thing I can do, the reasonable thing to do at least, is to stay away from him.

Yeah right, you've said that like, a million times.  I'll ignore you, thanks though.

I check my phone to find a few messages from Ryan and Mads. Oh my god, does she know about the kiss? I'll kill Noah if he told her. I swear I will.

I'm already hyperventilating with the possibility of her finding out. I'm not sure why it would be so bad, but probably it's because she would go all 'I told you so' on me and I'm not in the mood for her romantic comments.

Ems, you vanished from the party yesterday. Are you ok? - Ryan

Shit, with everything that happened I forgot to text Ryan. He sent me two other texts after that asking if something happened.

I feel guilty as I text him back explaining everything. Well, not explaining actually, I'm just basically lying.

I'm afraid to open Mads text. I don't have an explanation to what happened, so hopefully she won't ask me for one.

Hey girl, how's everything going? Miss me already? I miss you! Xoxo

I let go a loud breath and sigh in relief. She doesn't know.

I don't know if I can live on the verge of her finding out. If every time she texts me I feel afraid, I won't live anymore and will die of heart attack, because let's be honest, she does text me a lot.

After I consider what to do to solve this what-if-Mads-finds-out situation, the only conclusion I got it that I have to do what I've been telling myself a lot of times, but didn't actually do.

I'll stay away from Noah.

My first action of the 'stay away phase' is to spend the day in the city to get distracted. I had a nice walk at the park, bought a few books I've been dying to read and had ice cream. I even went to the movies.

It's been a perfect alone day. Not that I complain, I enjoy my own company, I always have, because you know, my father was always absent, so being alone was kind of my thing.

I had Abby and Kevin, yes, but they had their own lives. I wasn't going to be a burden to them with my own shit. I know if I needed they'd be there in a heart beat, but it wouldn't be fair to them, so many times I was just a loner.

I force myself to stop going down memory lane as I arrive back at my dorm and take a much needed nap, feeling exhausted from all the walking I did.

You know those naps where you think you sleep for just half an hour, but when you wake up is already dark and you don't even remember in which planet you live in, because you didn't take a nap, you basically died for a few hours?