Before She Even Knows

Chapter 42 - I don't want to do this anymore

NOAH's POV

What the fuck am I doing with my life?

I can't believe I'm letting this happen. I feel so angry for bringing Emma here, but not because of what she thinks. I don't blame her for thinking I don't want her here though, I said some pretty stupid things to her last night, before I stopped her from leaving.

I couldn't let her leave me, even if I probably should.

The reason why I regret even inviting her is because of my dad's intentions. He wants to get every possible information from her and it pisses me off. I knew this was going to happen, but I wanted to be with her so bad that I ignored the voice in my head that said it was a bad idea.

When he started asking questions at dinner and I saw her innocent face, I knew I couldn't let it happen.

I was at his office earlier while she was in my room and I asked him to be subtle, but he didn't listen. That's why I was so annoyed.

When I woke up this morning, I looked at her pretty face sleeping next to me and what I said to her the other night came back to my mind. It has been haunting me to be honest.

I love you.

There's no doubt by now that I'm in love with her, but I've never loved anyone before, so I'm scared as shit.

I had to put some space between us, hoping that she didn't hear what I said. I know I'm a dick for ignoring her after I blurt my heart out, but what could I do?
The realization that I love her was too much for me to take in.

The point is, I can't love her. I just can't. Out of all people I could possibly have feelings for, it had to be Emma. What was I thinking?

That we'd live happily ever after like those books she likes so much? She probably doesn't even love me back and she's Alfred White's daughter for fuck's sake.

I'm a fucking idiot.

It wasn't supposed to go this way. I was supposed to stick to the plan and don't get involved like I said a million times I wouldn't, but she happens to be the most perfect person I've ever met and the first - and I have a feeling she will be the only - I've opened my heart to.

I was perfectly fine sleeping around with different girls, so maybe I should just go back into not caring at all. God, I'm so angry right now that I want to go and fuck the first girl I see just to prove a point. I can be a player and live my life happily as I used to before Emma came crashing back into my life and ruined everything.

Yeah, I know that's a lie.

I don't want anyone other than Emma and I have zero intention of sleeping with anyone else. I didn't even look at other girls since she first kissed me at that party and honestly surprised the hell out of me.

Actually, just the thought of being with any other girl, which means she could also be with any other guy, makes me want to throw up the waffle I just ate. It will be a cold day in hell when I allow her to get involved with some fucking guy that is not me.

See, this is what I'm talking about. I've never been jealous, but with her is like I have this feeling every time a guy even looks her way. She's changing me and I'm not sure how I feel about it. What I know is that I don't like being vulnerable and she makes too insecure.

What was I thinking bringing her here?

My thoughts are so mixed and messed up in my head that I don't even know how to explain them anymore.

I need to put some sense into my mind, so here I am, talking to my father, while she's peacefully sleeping upstairs.

"What was that?" My father's voice echoes trhough the room as soon as he sits on his fancy as shit desk. Well, he's definitely not happy.