Forever - Johnny Cade

Chapter 35:

I jolt awake, a sharp aching pain coming from my lower abdomen.

I sit up and slide my arms against the bare skin of my stomach, holding it in pain.

I could feel Johnny's body heat from where he was laying next to me, his bare back exposed as the covers only cover up the bottom half.

I try to stay quite.

I knew it was going to happen, it always does, and I didn't want to wake Johnny up to worry him, or have him think that I'm over reacting.

Ever since... him, it always hurt after.

I try to think about something other than the pain. Focusing on what it felt like to have Johnny explore every part of me, to explore every part of him.

I blushed while thinking about it, his voice still bouncing off the walls in my head.

He was always gentle, caring, making sure I was okay, he knew when to stop, or slow down to give me a second to adjust, he knew that I was starting to panic before I was even panicking. 

He did everything right, he was so good.

He made me feel something.

There was shuffling coming from beside me, then there were warm arms around my bare waist.

Johnny and I were only sleeping in our underwear, too tired to put everything else back on.

"Shhh, it's okay" he says gently, stroking the back of my head with his hand, his other rubbing up and down my back, "it's okay" he tells me again.

I think he thought that it hurt because it was my first time. 

Which it was. My first time willingly.

But, the pain wasn't because of that... and I wanted to tell him... I wanted to be open with him, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

I've wanted to tell him for a while, but I never, always using the excuse that 'he probably knows', but I never knew for sure if he did.

"Johnny?" I ask without thinking, "I'm right here" he says, holding onto me tighter.

I started shaking, not from the memories. For some reason doing it with Johnny covered the bad stuff from before, coating it with a new experience, a new emotion, a new feeling. But no matter how many layers you put on it, no matter how precise you lay them, they can always be pulled back. 

Instead I was shaking because I was finally about to open up, and that was scary.

I've never told anyone, not even Joey. He knew it happened, but I never talked about it, and he never asked."I-" my hands started to tremble beyond my control, and Johnny clasped them in his warm, soft hands, his hands now off of my waist and head.

He didn't push, he just waited, patiently.

"I- I... wa- was... I was raped... back when, I didn't have... you" I tell him, hiccups starting up.

Johnny squeezed my hands, bringing them up to his mouth to kiss the back of each of them.

"I know. And I'm so sorry that happened to you. Thank you for opening up to me. You are so brave. You are so strong" he says, and I look up at him, my eyes wet with salty tears.

His eyes lowered, as if he's been hurt, "can I hug you?" he asks, and I quickly nod my head.

He wrapped me in a warm embrace, and once again I felt safe. Safe in his arms. Safe with him.

And it was such a nice feeling.

"I love you" he whispered to me, kissing me on my cheek, cupping my other one.