Love Again (Second Chances Series Book 2)

Hanging on by a Thread...

God dammit why is she here? I can't deal with this right now. The last two weeks without her have been hell. My body and heart are all in when it comes to Emma but my damn head keeps getting in the way. Everytime I think I could have a future with her I feel like I'm betraying Cassie or that I'll loose her too. I can't take anymore loss.

I know that sounds stupid when I sent her away already but that was me doing the leaving. If she were to leave me or god forbid something happen to her I would never be able to survive that.

"Emma, just go home. I don't need or want you here."

Oliver steps forward. "Leo, stop it! Stop now before you say something you can't take back." He turns to Emma. "Emma, I'm so sorry I called you. You can go. I got this."

"It's fine, Oliver. I'm not going anywhere. He's not getting rid of me that easily. Why don't you take him in the other room while I clean up this glass." She turns to me. "Where's Winnie?"

"Shes upstairs."

"Good I don't want her getting hurt."

Oliver grabs my arm. "Come on man." He looks back at Emma. "Thank you."

I let him push me in the other room. I'm getting tired. Its been a long day. I sit down and lay my head against the back of the couch.

"What the hell was that? You're not a dick, Leo, so why would you say those things to Emma?"

I run my hands over my face and let out a breath. "Because you shouldn't of brought her into this. She deserves better that my fucked up ass can give her."

"Leo, that's not true. If you would take your head out of your ass you would see that you are in love with her and that she makes you happy. Happier than I've seen you in a very long time. Why the hell are you trying to throw that away? "

I'm quiet. I don't wanna talk about this. I don't wanna talk about Emma or Eli or Cass. I just wanna be left alone.

"Leo. Don't shut me out man."

"What do you want from me Oliver? I can't do it. I can't take the chance of loving someone again." I look at him and my voice catches as I go on. "When I buried my son and my wife my heart went with them. I felt hallow for the longest time." I close my eyes trying to fight off the tears. "Until Emma. She slowly filled that empty space." Subconsciously I rub my fist over my heart. "And that scares the shit out of me. If she leaves me or something happens to her I won't survive losing her. I won't." I lose the battle with my tears. "I swear to you Oliver, I won't. So it's better if I'm the one to leave her before we both get in any deeper."

I catch movement in the doorway. Emma's standing there with tears in her eyes. She doesn't take her eyes off me as she speaks.

"Oliver, can you give us a minute please?"

"Yeah, do you want me to stick around?" I look over at him and realize he's asking her not me.

"You can go. Thank you for calling me."

Oliver comes over to the couch as I stand up. He hugs me. "I love you man. Call me if you need me."

"I love you too. Thanks."

Emma follows him out of the room, I'm assuming to talk to him about what happened tonight. When she comes back Winnie follows her into the room where she jumps up on the couch next to me and I bury my face in her fur. I need a minute to collect myself.

"Why were you breaking Cassie's artwork when I got here?" I look up and she's standing in the middle of the room with her arms at her sides.

"Come sit, please." I wait until she does. Winnie's laying between us on the couch and we both pet her as I talk. "Today's a very hard day for me. This year's harder than normal. I'm not with my family and I can't go to the cemetery to be with Eli." I really don't want to talk about all of this but I need her to understand why I can't be with her.

"I starting drinking early. I just wanted to be numb. When I close my eyes I can see him. Not the two year old him. Him as he would be today. Everyone said he looked just like me, and for the most part he did, but he had her smile. Both of them had a smile that would stop you in your tracks. I imagine what I would of gotten him as a gift. He would of loved a motorized jeep to match mine. I can just imagine his brilliant smile when he saw it for the first time." I give Emma a sad little smile and she returns it.

"Cassie would of made him an amazing cake and she would of been taking a million pictures. I can see it all. I also imagine that Eli would of had a little sibling by now. God he would of been an amazing big brother." I choke on my words. "Sitting here alone thinking about all the things that could of been became too much. Everywhere I turn there's reminders of Cass and Eli. I moved to a new house and a new city but still I see them in all the painting and the pictures. I snapped. I started breaking things. It made me feel better. In the moment at least. Olivers been trying to get a hold of me all day but I ignored him so eventually he just showed up. He came in and starting yelling at me to stop shutting people out. Apparently at some point he called you."

"I'm glad he did."

"Even though I was a dick to you?"

"I could see you were hurting and lashing out."

"I was lashing out. I'm sorry. But I meant what I told Oliver. Emma, I wouldn't survive losing you."

"Who says you'll lose me?"

"I know it may not be realistic but its the way my head works." Here comes the hard part. "Emma you can't possibly imagine what its like to hold your child while they take their last breath. To physically see the life leave them. And in that moment you have to watch your wife, the woman you would give your life for, completely fall apart and know that there's nothing you can do to take her pain away." The tears are back and Winnie whines as she tries to lick them away. "For months Cass was like a shell of the woman I married. Then one day she brightened up. She was smiling and playful. We made love for the first time since Eli's death. Afterwards, she said she was in the mood for her favorite ice cream from Margie's, a local ice cream parlor. So I left her to go get it. I was so relieved to see her smiling again. I was gone for about an hour because I decided to stop and grab her flowers also."

I look over at Emma and she has tears running down her face but she doesn't say a word.

"When I came back I called out for her but I didn't get an answer. I thought maybe she was still in our bedroom so I headed back there. On my way I heard Winnie barking." Winnie whimpers at the sound of her name so rub her belly some more as I go on. "I found her scratching at Eli's bedroom door. At first I didn't know what to think of it. She had never done anything like it before. As I opened the door I saw Cass."

I take a deep breath. "She was on the floor. There was so much blood. I pulled out my phone and called 911 as I ran to her. She slit both her wrists and she wasn't breathing. I started CPR and didn't stop until the paramedics came into the room and physically pushed me out of the way. I fell to the floor and watched as they tried and failed to revive her." I pause for a minute before I'm able to go on. "She put down a tarp on the floor so she wouldn't ruin anything in Eli's room. She had the entire thing planned out. She was happy that day because she knew her pain was finally going to end and she would see Eli again. Our time together that day was her saying goodbye to me." I start crying harder. "I replay that day over and over in my head. Why didn't I see it? What if I would of made her come with me to get the ice cream? Or what if I hadn't stopped for the flowers? Could I have gotten to her in time?"

"Leo, you can't do that. You can't torture yourself that way."

"I know that. Logically I know that! But it doesn't stop my head from going there anyway. Emma, I am a mess. I don't see a future where I'm not a mess. I don't want to bring you down with me. I can't do that to you." I get up to pace back in forth in front of her. Then I stop and face her. "Emma, I do love you. A part of me knew it the night of Lily and Oliver's wedding. God, you brought me back to life with one touch. And then you rolled your eyes at me and got so flustered, I couldn't stay away from you."

I kneel down in front of her. I reach up and wipe away her tears. "And honey because of all of that I can't be with you. I'm hanging on by a thread on a daily basis. What if one day you wake up and realize that I'm beyond fucked up and you can't keep living with the ghost of my wife and son. I can't bare the thought of losing you. If we take a a step back now then hopefully we can at least be friends. Because I do love you and I do want you in my life."