Love Again (Second Chances Series Book 2)

Guilt...

After I finish texting with Emma I head into my therapist's office and wait to be called back. I'm in the middle of writing an email when the receptionist speaks up.

"Mr Baker the doctor will see you now. You can head on back."

"Thank you."

I silence my phone and slide it in my pocket before knocking on the door.

"Come in." I walk in and take a seat opposite Dr Lange. "Leo, good to see you."

"You too, Dr Lange. How's you day going? "

"I've told that you can call me Mary. My days fine. How about yours?"

"Pretty quiet so far."

"Is quiet a good thing?"

"Some days. Other days not so much."

"And which category does today fall under?"

"Other."

"Why is the quiet not good today Leo?"

"Too much quiet leaves too much time to think."

"About what specifically?"

"Cass, Eli, work, my family. Emma."

"Are you having trouble with work and your family?"

"No trouble. I just miss both of them. I haven't seen my family since the holidays and while I love the foundation I miss building things."

"Your family will be in town soon for the opening of Cassie's Hope won't they?"

"Yes. That will be nice. I'm excited to show them the life I've built here."

"Have you looked into finding a job here? The fact that you miss working is a good thing."

"I haven't looked yet. I miss it but I don't know if I'm ready to actually get back to it yet?"

"Why not?"

"I dont know. I've been really busy with getting the foundation up and running here in Cincinnati and with Cassie's Hope. It's just not a good time."

She nods her head and writes in her book. I hate when she does that. It means she doesn't believe what I'm saying.

"What have you been thinking about Cassie and Eli?"

"The same old stuff. How much I miss them and how much I wish I could of done more to help them."

"You mean save them?"

"Yes."

"You know that wasn't possible Leo. Especially in Eli's case."

"Maybe in Eli's but I damn well should of been able to save my wife. I was with her everyday. How did I not see it?"

"Leo, we've been over this before. You didn't see it because you were so far gone in your own grief."

"I wasn't. I was living. I was building the foundation and taking care of her and spending time with my family."

"Were you really living? Did you feel anything during all of that? Did you feel sadness? Or joy? Or love?"

I go to answer right away but I stop myself. If I really think about it the answer isn't so easy.

"No."

"Do you know why you didn't feel anything?"

I shake my head.

"You didn't feel anything Leo because you were numb. You were in shock. You were so far gone in your own grief that you were just going through the motions. That is actually the worst type of grief. You never get to actually deal with your feelings. You push them all aside and focus on the people and things around you."

"I've felt it since then. When I lost Cassie I felt all of it."

"Did you really though? Did you feel the pain of losing Eli and Cassie or did you feel guilt?"

"Of course I felt the pain. Who said anything about guilt?"

"You yourself said you should of seen it. That you should of been able to save Cassie. And Eli."

When I just stare at her she goes on.

"What have you been thinking about Emma?"

"How much I miss her."

"So why aren't you with her. She wants to be with you and you want to be with her. What's keeping you apart?"

"I'm scared. Scared of losing her. Scared of hurting her again."

"I don't think that's it."

"Of course it is."

"Leo, you're putting off going back to work. You're putting off a relationship with a women you love. You're stuck in a holding pattern and it has nothing to do with fear."

"What is it then?"

"Guilt."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes you do. You feel guilty that you're still here and wanting to move on with your life. You feel guilty that you love another women besides Cassie. You feel guilty that if you move forward with that relationship then it could mean more children. And if that happened you would feel like you're replacing Eli and Cassie." She leans forward in her chair. "Everything you want is within reach Leo but you won't allow yourself to truly be happy out of guilt. You never truly processed your grief after the deaths of your son and wife. You went straight to guilt and got stuck there."

Her words sink in and it takes a minute for me to be able to talk. I finally speak around the lump in my throat.

"Why should I get to be happy? My wife and son are dead. My little boy died in my arms and there was nothing I could do to save him. How is that fair? Tell me why I get to go on living when my wife died alone in so much pain that I couldn't even see because I was so wrapped up in myself? How is that fair!" Tears are falling down my face but I dont care. "I don't deserve to have love again. To be a father again. To be happy."

She shakes her head. "Yes you do Leo. What happened to them is not your fault. You couldn't have changed the outcome for either of them. And do you really believe that Cassie or Eli would want you to spend the rest of your life alone and unhappy? They loved you just like you loved them. They want what's best for you. And Leo, Emma makes you happy. Therefore, Emma is what's best for you. You just have to allow yourself to be happy."

"How do I do that? How do I just turn it off. The guilt? The pain? How do I turn them off so I can move forward?"

"There is no magic word. You have to start by forgiving yourself and letting go of the guilt. You're the one placing it on yourself so you have to be the one to let it go. Once that's done then you have to allow yourself to actually mourn the loss of Cassie and Eli. You have to say goodbye."

"I don't want to say goodbye. I don't want to forget them."

"You won't forget them. Ever. Saying goodbye doesn't mean that they won't still be with you. It just means they aren't forefront in your everyday life. It will allow you to move forward instead of being stuck in the past."

When I leave her office I sit in my car and think about how to go about forgiving myself and letting go. I don't come up with any immediate answers so I decide to just work on making this shitty day less shitty.