Love Again (Second Chances Series Book 2)

Say goodbye...

As soon as I get home I pack a bag and load Winnie into the car. I call me brother from the road.

"Zack, I'm heading to Chicago now. Can I stay with you for a little while? I don't really want to stay at mom and dads."

"You know you're always welcome. Everything okay with you?"

"Not really. I'll talk to you about it when I get here."

"I'll have the bourbon ready."

"Sounds good to me. See you in a few hours."

It's late by the time I get to Zach's but it's a Friday so he's still up.

Once I'm inside he hands be a drink and we sit down in the living room to talk.

"So what's going on?"

"My therapist thinks I've been dealing with guilt since Eli and Cass died. She thinks that's why I can't move on. Why I won't allow myself to be with Emma or to go back to work."

"And what do you think?"

"I think she might be right. I just don't know what to do about it."

Zach just takes a sip of his drink and waits me out.

"Emma ripped me a new one tonight."

"Ah."

"Ah, what?"

"Ah, that's why you're here. You ran again."

"I didn't run. I figured I need time to figure my shit out and me being close to her is making it hard. On both of us."

"Okay. I believe you. What did she say?"

"That if I want to be with her then I should be with her. That she doesn't need me to change. She doesn't need me to be better. That who I am now is who she fell in love with. She said she wants to help me deal with all my problems and that she needs me to help her. She also said that me staying away because I didn't want to hurt was moronic because I am hurting her."

"She sounds like a very smart woman."

"She is."

"So why are you here?"

"Because according to my therapist I need to let go of my guilt and forgive myself. And I need to say goodbye to Cass and Eli."

"How to you plan on doing that?"

"I have no clue."

"Sounds like a great plan."

I flip him off and then we change the topic of conversation. We stay up way later than we should and drink more bourbon than we should. But it turns out to be a good night.

The following day I go to the cemetery and I visit with Eli first. I take him a toy car and some flowers.

"Hey little man. I'm sorry I wasn't here for your birthday. I thought about you all day though. I can't believe you would of been five. You would be starting school in the fall." I bow my head and close my eyes. "God what I wouldn't give to see you walk into school with your little backpack on and a huge smile on your face. You would of been so brave and loved every minute of it."

I sit in the grass and trace his name on his headstone. ELIJAH LEO BAKER.

"I'm so sorry that I couldn't do more to save you. I tried everything within my power but it still wasn't enough and for that I'm so sorry. You deserved a long full life. I love you, baby boy."

I sit with him a little while longer and then I go to Cassies grave site. I place the the purple peonies in her vase.

"I brought you your favorite flowers."

I sit on the ground and do the same thing I did at Eli's, I run my fingers over her name. CASSANDRA MICHELLE BAKER.

"Baby, why couldn't you talk to me? Why didn't you let me help you?"

As I ask that question I think of Emma. This is how she feels. All she wants to do is help me and she's asking for my help and I'm just pushing her away.

"God dammit. I'm an idiot, Cass. I'm so sorry that you couldn't come to me with your pain. I would of done anything to take it away for you. But baby, I'm still here and I've met an incredible women. I love her Cassie. Her names Emma. She's strong willed and caring and tells me like it is. You two would of gotten along great. Cass, she makes me laugh. I forgot how good it is to have someone to just laugh with. I would of given anything to have forever with you and Eli but that didn't happen. And now, now, I've been given another chance at happiness. I didn't think I deserved it but I was wrong. I do deserve it and so does Emma."

I put my head in my hands and cry. I cry for the life I'm leaving behind and for the life I hope is waiting for me back in Cincinnati.

I don't know how much time passes but I do as Dr Lange told me to do and I say goodbye.

"Cassie I will love you until the day I die but I can't continue to sit around punishing myself for what happened to you. You made those choices all on your own. And while I wish you would of chosen differently I can't take responsibility for your choices. I can however take responsibility for my own. And that's why I have to say goodbye. Thats why I have to stop doing to Emma what you did to me. I'm choosing to be happy. I'm choosing to go on."

I kiss my fingers and place them on her name.

"I love you Cassie. You are my past and I will always cherish our time together." I choke on my next words. "But Emma is my future."

I stand up and wipe my eyes.

"Goodbye, Cass."

I go to my car and call my dad. I need to take care of something else before I can go back home and beg for Emma to forgive me for all of my stupid mistakes.