Empyrean Iris Story Collection

Potentially Accidental

Report ID 2241569

Author Krill

Humans are natural born killers they will always argue against it, but it's true. They are the only known sentient predator species in the galaxy. Some might say that the Drev prove that point wrong, but the Drev evolved based on war practices and not survival, they only eat plants. However, everything a human can do is designed to make them better killers..... Everything. But today I will not be talking about that, today I will be talking about the accidental ways that humans can kill you. Yes, out of all the species in the galaxy, humans are the only ones that can, en mass, pose significant problems to other species by accident.

· Let's talk about my own species for instance, the Vrul. With our complicated cortical structures, designed for logic, we are known to be, on average, the smartest creatures in the galaxy based on average IQ. However, due to these structures, human music has been known to override our neural network and short circuit it. If you are lucky, like me, the short circuit causes temporary shutdown and a state of unconsciousness, others more susceptible have been known to collapse into complex partial seizures. This becomes difficult when you accidentally walk past a human humming to themselves or singing in the shower.

· On the same thread, other species experience hypnotic effects as a result of the human speaking voices. Certain paranoid parties worry that human developed their voices to be able to mesmerize prey before eating them.

· To some species, specifically hailing from the Gamma quadrant are from planets that have low water content. A byproduct of their evolution means that water on the outside of their bodies is toxic causing something similar to human anaphylaxis. This remains a problem seeing as humans spit is water, tears are water, and their sweat is water. There has been at least one known fatality caused by skin to skin contact with a human.

· Humans are a cesspool of bacteria and disease. It is known that the human body contains more bacterial cells than it contains human cells. In certain cases, much of the galaxy can simply be immunized against these bacteria, however, Delta sector lifeforms are so susceptible to human disease that they have to wear hazmat suits, or require that the humans wear hazmat suits when interacting.

· The human scream can reach decibel levels so high that it has been known to paralyze, stun, and even rupture organs in vulnerable species.

· Human saliva, not only contains high amounts of bacteria, but catalyst enzymes in the mouth have been known to break down tissues of certain species leaving he human mouth as an extremely corrosive place.

· As a side note to the pervious comment, human stomach acid is known to eat through anything other than the human stomach. Regurgitations by humans have been known to eat flesh, damage equipment, eat trough ship structures, and cause area quarantine for weeks on end in certain areas.

· In the same discourse, when humans breathe, they breathe out toxic particles. In one particular incident, a group of humans standing in the same room as a particular species was able to cause near suffocation and a case of toxic poisoning in under ten minutes flat as their breath permeated the air. Prognosis was poor, those in that room will suffer with those issues for the rest of their lives.

· Humans release certain..... Byproduct gasses, from digestion that have been known to be toxic to certain species.

· Interestingly enough, there is a certain species of creature from the Iota cluster that is known to have an intoxicatingly pleasant smell to humans. This smell can endues hunger, and predatory behavior in humans.... What I am trying to say is that they smell so good to the humans that the humans want to eat them, and can barely stop themselves from trying. It is advised of this species to either, stay away from humans, or, in dire circumstances, force the human to wear nose plugs.

· Humans have also been known to underestimate their strength. Comparable to other humans, this issue is barely worth speaking of, but comparatively to other species, humans have been known to break bones with a simple handshake.

· Most human foods can be considered toxic. In certain cases humans are advised to wait at least three hours after eating before engaging with other species as residue of their food could be potentially lethal. Furthermore human waste is also considered biohazard level 1 and is often disposed of with chemical weapons byproducts.

So, what are we supposed do about these issues? I mean apparently humans can cause a planet wide pandemic for just pissing in the wrong place (which they do a lot by the way). So SOMEONE has to come up with the protocol for this nonsense, and who has to do that, oh yeah, it's me, and based on my judgement, the GA has issued some rules

· In contact with certain species, humans are required to wear the proper protection, this goes from protective gloves all the way up to full body hazmat depending on the species being interacted with.

· Immediate biohazard crews will be implemented in response to a sick human.

· Human food may not cross contaminate with other alien food. Failure to obey will be sentenced with a fine or jail time.

· The unlawful disposal of human waste is considered to be a felony. Yes, yes human's in looking at you, the drunk ones who have a habit of peeing in back alleyways when inebriated.

· Sighing, humming screaming, and whistling are designated only for specific safe zones.

· Humans are forbidden to make physical contact with certain species unless invited, expected, or otherwise licensed to do so.

Of course, the vast majority of the galaxy does not experience such extreme effects when in contact with humans. Drev, Vrul, Rundi, and a large percentages of species do not experience significant danger when in contact with humans. If that wasn't the case than Oxi-clinics would be inadvisable. May issues we experience are minor and can be dealt with easily......

*Sigh* Still, humans are exhausting to work with. Absolutely exhausting.

I am exhaustion.

Humans are the worst....