Empyrean Iris Story Collection

Humans Are Weird: The rules

USPC Spaceship USS Stabby: Rules and regulations as put forward by acting Captain Adam Vir

Note: This list describes rules applied only by Captain Vir and does not include USPC general regulations for all starships.

1. Keep all marshmallows safely contained when passing neutron stars. Dropped from a distance of 1 AU a single marshmallow can cause an explosion equal to that of three-megaton nuclear warhead.

a. Anyone seen chucking marshmallows at neutron stars will be immediately penalized.

2. Eating food owned or claimed by others is an offence punishable by a weeklong bathroom cleaning duty.

a. Additionally the entire ship will be notified so everyone knows how much of a dick you are, you thieving little beggar.

3. Food and Drink are prohibited near the warp and reactor cores.

a. I know this is in the USPC manual, but SERIOUSLY guys, you have got to be kidding me. I don't feel like dying because you thought it was a good idea to eat one of those bagged white powdered doughnuts near the warp core.

4. Driver picks the music, and that means, since I am the Captain, I pick the music.

a. If I am feeling benevolent some days I will allow requests.

b. Complain about my music and you can go right ahead and leave the bridge.

c. Anyone who requests crazy frog, or the Barbie song will be immediately ejected from the bridge. I don't need to relive middle school thank you very much.

d. I will accept bribes of food for music requests.

5. Group spooning in numbers greater than four people is prohibited unless supervised.

a. There will be no excessively weird shenanigans aboard my ship.

b. When group spooning with supervision there is no limit to the amount of people involved, however if you can't keep your hands appropriately to yourself, you will be immediately ejected.

6. Formal relationships between crew members is prohibited by the USPC manual, however if I don't find out than there isn't anything I can do about it.

7. Don't get pregnant.

8. Don't get anyone pregnant.

9. Rules for shore leave include.

a. Don't get pregnant

b. Don't get anyone pregnant

c. If you are arrested, fined or kidnapped, all bail, parking tickets or ransom will be paid out of our monthly wage, no arguments or acceptations.

10. Excessive drunkenness is prohibited.

a. If this rule is broken than the crew reserves the right to play any prank, within reason, on the inebriated crew member.

11. Sexual harassment/assault/discrimination will NOT be tolerated, anyone male or female who initiates or participates in such behavior will be immediately terminated from duty, and the crew will do their best to let the entire human and alien race know how much of a dirt bag you are.

12. Playing golf out of the airlock is prohibited. The space suits are not for your entertainment, and this rule is only here for your safety.... And mine.... Mostly mine.

13. Keep your genitals covered on the bridge, near the warp core, near the reactor core, and in all additional public, and professional areas aboard the ship

a. I shouldn't have to make this a rule guys, seriously keep it in your pants dear LORD!

14. Do NOT play with the artificial gravity modulating systems. I know you really want to see how high you can jump at half your weight, or float around trying to drink floating water, but his causes problems for the rest of the crew.

a. Please don't ask me for an exception because I will probably agree and we will all definitely regret it.

15. Heelies, wheelies, roller-skates, rollerblades, skateboards, scooters are prohibited in the halls and in the cargo bay, the last time someone tried it, they almost fell on top of the airlock button and killed us all.....

a. Me, it was me, but still, I don't want it happening again.

16. All drinks on the bridge must be on closed containers. The last time someone spilled a drink, it was on the navigation controls and we almost flew ourselves straight into a black hole.

17. Anyone who makes excessively loud chewing or mouth noises will be kicked off my bridge before you drive me insane.

18. No one likes a know it all, unless you actually know it all in which case welcome aboard.

19. Open flames are not prohibited on the bridge, near the warp core, or the reactor core. Whoever thought it was a good idea to have a birthday cake in any of those places is a moron, and obviously got their engineering degree at Moron state university in idiotville.

20. The captain is not responsible for killing any spiders aboard the ship, do not ask me, I will not.

a. Same goes for earwigs, and centipedes (I swear those creatures are nightmares spawned from the very imagination of Satan himself.

21. Funny hats are not only allowed but encouraged. Please bring a funny hat with you for application, it will greatly improve your perceived qualification.

22. Don't use the heat outlets for the warp core or the reactor core for barbeque, I know this may seem confusing to some of you, but there is a little thing called RADIATION. The last thing I want is for my crew members to start sprouting tumors like a middle schooler sprouts acne.

23. For the love of Earth WASH YOUR HANDS.

24. Don't put anything in your mouth unless you know what it is and you know that it's safe.

25. Don't touch anything unless you know what it is.

a. It would be a real shame if your hands were to swell up really big so that you couldn't bend your fingers, and I don't know..... couldn't pilot your ship for two weeks while your ship was forced to remain on a hostile planet.

b. That would be a real shame.

26. Showers are and will be mandatory, no acceptations. I reserve the right to terminate you from employment on my ship if you smell like the coagulation of sin and disease.