Empyrean Iris Story Collection

Humans are Space Orcs: Venomous Saliva

From the Intergalactic Journal of Biology and Mechanics

During the solar cycle of 14456 a replication study was conducted by our scientists on the Intergalactic Congress Laboratory. The study attempted to replicate an experiment from a previously published human study. The results were a conclusive replication indicating that the human mouth contains up to 200 species of microorganisms at a concentration of 1,000 to 1 billion on each dental protrusion (tooth).

Despite their out world classification as a class A-1 predator, on their own planet they meet a low classification of a D-8 predator or a B-2 when factoring in their intelligence. For this reason, on their own planet, the humans are not considered to be venomous despite the need for immediate hospitalization upon receiving a bite from their own species.

Off planet their nature as an A-1 apex predator gives them a subclass of a G-6 venom predator. Though their saliva is not dangerous when in contact with open skin or carapace, immediate medical attention is required if bitten or spit on. Areas of danger include the eyes nose mouth, or any other orifice that allows access to the nervous system.

Additional literature on the subject indicates that bacterial presence is used as a catalyst for breaking down food in the mouth. Other bacteria exists within the gut to help with food processing. Without bacterial assistance, food processing would be almost impossible for a human. The nature of this mutualism inoculates the human against most off-world diseases.

A cautionary note: Species from the Gamma four sector are advised to keep clear of humans all together as they are particularly susceptible to human venom*.

*All non-human species are advised to avoid calling humans "Venomous" as it may be seen as an insult. Humans do not see themselves as a particular danger to others in this way.

At any other time, Krill might have been worried about their present predicament, but after months of shenanigans with the humans including almost dying more than once, the situation they were in now was almost laughable.

Once again human reckless stupidity had brought them to their knees before an angry group of Burg. Perhaps they would have made it out alive if the "sass" of the Captain hadn't inadvertently offended the leader of the ship; an offence, which punishment was immediate execution.

On their knees, the humans were almost as tall as the Burg, though of course the Burg were Octapeds, and would likely tower over the humans if they stood on their back-most set of legs.

"Ready yourself for your demise, Human." The Burg commander clicked through his quadra-segment mouth a sheen of base slime glittering over his body

The Captain raised an eyebrow, "Come on, I didn't mean it like that. In fact ugly scorpion is a term of endearment on my planet."

With a roar, the Burg commander scuttled closer pincers clicking right in front of the humans face shining points ominously close to his one remaining eye. The human blinked and leaned back in a very unsettled sort of way. Despite this, Krill still saw the reaction as understated. He had death literally two inches from his face and he seemed more disturbed by the thing's segmented mouth than his own eminent doom.

"Ready the weapons!" the Burg called out. Beneath him a light dusting of slime glistened in the low lighting. The entire ship smelled painfully sterile. Out of the corner of his eye, Krill could see the humans wincing as the smell assaulted their noses.

"I don't think you want to do that." The captain interjected as plasma rays were aimed towards his head.

The Burg gave a clicking laugh, "You are hardly in a place to be making threats."