Empyrean Iris Story Collection

So Many Dumb Ways to Die

Report ID 2241570

Author Krill

Can we talk about something.... Something that annoys me greatly, and I am sick and tired of having to deal with?

No? Well TOO BAD because if I am sick and tired of it, than the rest of you are going to have to suffer with me, also if I get one more letter about how my reports are unsettling, scarring or starting to worry my superiors, than don't bother. You can just take your complaints and shove them RIGHT UP.....

*voice from the background* Uh, Krill, are you ok.

*grumble* Yes, fine, just doing another report.... Anyway, I wanted to talk about humans, because of course you knew that, they are the only creature in the galaxy capable of annoying me so greatly. In fact, I am 100% convinced that human emotions rubbed off on me for the specific reason of giving me the ability to be pissed off.

Why, Krill, why are you so pissed off today? Well, thank you for asking, so kind of you. I am annoyed because everyone in the universe seems to be convinced that humans are indestructible killing machines incapable of dying, but I am here to tell you that that is not the case..... well I mean, it is the case, but sometimes it isn't....

AHHHRGG

That's just the point though, humans are simultaneously the most indestructible creatures in the galaxy while simultaneously having the FANTASTIC ability to die over the stupidest o things. So the problem becomes that you have to keep your human alive when everyone, including themselves, is convinced they are indestructible, but they are, in fact, surprisingly easy to kill. Do you know how constantly I have to worry about humans because they have this ability to get into the most dangerous situations, and of course they might just survive, but they might also just die getting out of bed.

A list of a few things humans can survive if you don't believe me.

· There are at least 7 humans I know of who have survived falling at terminal velocity from the sky 122 mph if anyone is asking. Ok granted there were other factors that contributed to their survival, like shattering glass, snow, and a mountain hillside, but can we just think about that for a bit?

· Humans routinely get themselves struck by lightning, ok maybe not routinely, I looked up the statistics. About 1,000 people are insured by lightning each year and some 100 die from it just in what used to be the United States, but that means at least ONE of those people was directly struck and didn't die..... Yeah.... Super-heated sky plasma of death.....

· A human once survived 21 gunshot wounds......

· Humans have survived being shot in the head, getting their lower mandible shot off or getting shot through the neck.

· Humans also survive traumatic brain injury, and I'm not talking simply about a hit on the head, I am talking about objects being jammed into their brains. Take my friend the Commander for example, who survived a screwdriver through the eye-socket and into his brain, with minimal brain damage. MINIMAL BRAIN DAMAGE! Any brain damage should be death, but NO humans just call it MINIMAL which means, apparently, it's no big deal.

· They lose limbs ALL the time. I swear I am not joking. Again, take my Commander again, he got his RIPPED OFF traumatically. Humans get them blown off, ripped off, or just plain cut off because it medically relevant. LIKE WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL! There was even one human who CUT OF HIS OW ARM with a pocketknife......

*sigh*

· They also just casually transplant organs like it's no big deal.

· Horrifying diseases that make your insides hemorrhage. Yeah no big deal for humans either.