Empyrean Iris Story Collection

Recruits- Regulation

Recruits Kimber, Alvarez, Han, and McCaster sat mostly slack jawed in the little conference room on the command deck of the UNSC Harbinger. The little alien doctor they had called 'Krill' was standing at the front of the room, and in general military fashion, he had a powerpoint holographically projected over the far wall.

On the projection currently was a diagram of a human body, the kind you would see in high school health textbook.

The little alien was pointing vigorously towards the diagram, "And here, right here this little opening that leads into the bladder is called the urethra, and if you STICK things in it, it gets grossly infected and causes horrible urinary tract infections." The group of recruits simple sat there in shock, "This, this is the anus, this muscle was designed to push things out not take things in. In fact, if you try, the negative pressure created by your adventure can pull things INSIDE your colon and up your large intestine. The procedure for getting that out might include surgery, but could just involve someone like me reaching up there to grab it out."

Mouths gaped in astonishment.

They couldn't be living through this, could they.

"This, this machine right here is the mechanism used to close the airlock doors. If the airlock doors get jammed, do NOT stick your hand inside to try and fish them out, because this may cause something called degloving.... If you don't know what that means, its when all the skin peels off your hand like a banana and-"

The door at the far end of the room hissed open, and they turned to see the commander, of course the man didn't just walk into the room like any normal person. He glided in on his 'heelies, hands clasped behind his back like he was standing at parade rest. It was such a strange sight, considering the man was wearing an officer's uniform and a captain's cap having ditched the sunglasses from earlier in favor of the eye patch, which did not, in fact, seem to be a joke, but was definitely part of his everyday wardrobe.

He came gliding to a halt next to them, "You made a powerpoint?" He asked in mild amusement.

"Of course I made a powerpoint."

"Hmm," The man shrugged, "Guess it makes sense."

"Can you let me finish."

The man grinned, "Afraid not. We are about to launch, and I have it on good authority these four have been invited to the bridge to see the spectacle."

The little doctor sighed, "So human by way of his exasperation that it was hard to tell he was even alien, "Alright go then, but when one of them ends up in my infirmary with some stupid injury, I am going to blame you."

"You blame me anyway."

"That's because I am convinced you are the amalgamation of human stupidity and recklessness." The recruits looked nervously back and forth between the two. Its not everyday you watched an officer get insulted to his face, but the man just smiled and laughed blowing the entire thing off.

"Well I've never gotten anything stuck in my colon, so I guess I'm not a good representative, anyway." He pointed to the four of them, "Come on. I think you'll want to see this."

Nervously the group of them stood and followed the Commander through the open doors walking along behind his gliding form.

He had.... Not been what they expected. They had seen the movie trailers, heard about his exploits, watched flight demonstration videos, in certain cases, and even received lectures about intergalactic relations based on transcripts from his conversations, and or interactions. He was a legend at the academy, at the forefront of human/alien relations. All the books were written based on what he had done or what people in his crew had done. He had been the first man to SEE sentient nonhuman life.