Empyrean Iris Story Collection

Proper Profanity

Dr Krill was cleaning the infirmary.. He didn't mind cleaning, it left his mind time to wander, to think more about the humans. Today he was thinking about linguistics and the complicated way in which humans spoke to each other. It was actually quite beautiful once you stopped being annoyed with it.

He had recently compiled a list of human idioms he found rather delightful. He especially liked 'when I am ice skating in hell' not only did it require knowledge of human theology, but also of human sports. Plus it was a great way to tell people no.

Made him want to wriggle a little inside when he thought about it.

Now that he had gotten the use of idioms. He was starting to think about the use of human exclamations. There were so many, he hardly knew where to start.

He was so distracted with his musings that he ended up knocking over a stack of bedpans. They fell to the floor with a clatter before spinning across the open ground.

He looked down and decided that this was the perfect opportunity to try out some of his new exclamations. He wasn't entirely sure how they worked, but you didn't get anywhere without trying, "Shit hat!"

He stared at the bedpans trying to determine what he was feeling at the moment.

He didn't have long for his pondering as Dr. Katie poked her head out of her office. Behind her large square glasses she looked more than a little confused. Another head peered around the corner, and he was surprised to find the captain staring at him with a bemused expression. The door to the far end of the room slid open and a group of marines peered inside.

Hmm, perhaps he had done something wrong.

"Did you just say, shit hat?" Dr Katie wondered glancing between him and the captain.

"That's what I heard." he said stepping out from inside.

"Did I do something wrong?" krill wondered in bemusement.

The marines laughed, "What were you even trying to do/"

"I was trying to use an angry exclamation." The doctor explained

The captain walked over to sit on the edge of one of the beds staring at Krill with a critical eye, "Well, it was a good effort, but not exactly right."

"What do you mean."

The marines walked in to sit with them as did doctor Katie.

The captain shook his head, "Well Krill, you see cursing is a very delicate art, you can't just throw them together like that. For instance what you were trying to say was likely either ust shit, or ass hat. You can't just throw them together. Shit would have worked, but in this instance ass hat wouldn't have."

"I do not understand."

The captain cracked his knuckles, "I will demonstrate, let us first begin with the word ass

Ass/arse = your pretty much just calling them a donkey at this point

Ass hat = refers to a person who is usually stupid or annoying

Ass wipe = a general insult for someone you don't like

Dumbass = an idiot

Asshole = someone who is mean or rude

Smartass = can be a term of endearment, but otherwise it might be used as a term for someone who is sarcastic or a know it all

Fatass = someone who eats a lot or is also fat

Ass face = another general insult, but this is specifically an insult and a comparison on their face to someone's butt.

So what you were doing doesn't exactly work because you use ass hat is an insult for a person and not an exclamation."