I've Loved These Days: A Billy Joel Fanfic

Chapter 23 - Through The Long Night

••••
The cold hands
The sad eyes
The dark Irish silence
It's so late
But I'll wait
Through the long night with you
The warm tears
The bad dreams
The soft trembling shoulders
The old fears
But I'm here
Through the long night with you
••••

Tuesday, November 15, 1977
Dear Diary,

Mom's funeral is tomorrow. These past few weeks have been pretty awful. Physically I've recovered from the miscarriage, but mentally I'm nowhere close. I don't think I've had the time to really sit down and process the fact that I'm truly no longer having a baby.

John and I were able to take turns staying at the house to help out with Mom until she passed last week, and my father seemed thankful enough for the help that he didn't argue with me when I was there. He didn't really TALK to me either, but I'll consider that a blessing.

I've been ignoring Bill. Well, maybe not completely ignoring him... We've spoken a few times on the phone, but I really have nothing to say to him. I'm trying to understand his decision to not come home, and I'm REALLY trying not to be hurt by it, but in the end it just comes down to the fact that I feel abandoned.

xoxo,
Kat

****

My gaze was stuck on the floor in front of me. I knew the priest was speaking, but I didn't hear a word of it. Being in a church felt unfamiliar and uncomfortable. I may have grown up Catholic, but my family would hardly be considered religious, and I certainly wasn't. Knowing that my mom's body was in the casket only a few feet away from me only added to my discomfort.

I was seated in the front row of the church with my father, brother, and some aunts, uncles, and grandparents I hadn't spoken to in years. To say that I felt like a fish out of water was an understatement. Sandy had tried to sit with me, but my father had firmly vetoed that. Family only, he had growled.

When the service ended we all plodded out to the parking lot and began the journey to the cemetery. I was immensely grateful to have Sandy by my side again, and she stood by me as I watched them lower my mother into the ground.

Surprisingly I hadn't had to fight back tears today. I actually felt relatively calm knowing that my mom was no longer hurting. Her final days had been spent in a constant state of unconsciousness, but we had been able to make peace with each other while she was still coherent enough to speak. We'd both acknowledged our faults and how we regretted the time we'd lost, and it had felt good to hear her say she loved me and was proud of me and my choices.

When the burial was finished Sandy and I didn't hang around. I had managed to avoid any confrontations with my father over the past couple of weeks, but my daughterly duties were now complete, and I was under no false impressions that this event had changed the dynamic between us.

The one good thing that had come from my mother's death was that my brother and I had reconnected. He had finally gotten the chance to hear my side of things, and he'd realized that my absence from the family had been out of self preservation and not malice. We had agreed to stay in touch with each other and work on rebuilding a relationship.

****

"How was it?"

"It was fine," I replied curtly.