Miles Apart - Sam Kiszka x OC fanfic

CHAPTER 19: LOST LOVE

RAGEY CHAPTER LETS GOOOOO
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"Should we just fuck one out?" I whispered to Lilli as we ate our pizza. Her eyes went wide and she nearly choked on her food but quickly attempted to regain composure.

"What?"

"Sam and I. Should we just fuck to like, I dunno, get it out of our systems?"

"Literally no. Do you remember how that ended for you last time?" She hissed, trying not to summon the attention of the laughing boys surrounding us.

"Yeah, but it's different now. We don't fight as much, and I thin-"

"Remember when you said sex messes things up? You should stick to that motto." She said, cutting me off.

"But-"

"What are you two gabbing about?" Danny interrupted from the end of the table. I blushed and looked down, shoving a bite of caesar salad in my mouth as to avoid answering him.

"Just that Bella wants to have se-"

"Just that I want to have a super fun girls' day with Lilli!" I blurted, stopping her from finishing the dreaded words leaving her lips.

"Cute," Jake said. Everyone moved on fast, chatting about their upcoming tour and the rockstar life.

"I'm really going to miss you all when you're gone," I sighed, looking at all the boys. They sadly smiled back at me, all except Josh, and agreed.

"It'll suck, but it's only three months and then we're back in New York for another month before the European leg of the tour. It won't be too bad," Jake said, grabbing Lillis' hand as her face dropped. I watched as the petite blonde leaned into Jake, resting her head on his shoulder as she held her stomach. He kissed the top of her head and ruffled her hair a bit, allowing her to keep him as close as she needed before he was gone again. I felt a pang in my chest, knowing how hard those three months were going to be for both Lilli and me.

I looked down and softly bit my lip, attempting to suppress the emotions I knew I didn't deserve to feel, especially considering Sam was no more than a friend, and Lilli had it way worse.

"Hey," Sam whispered to me, "you okay?"

"Yeah, sorry. Just full," I lied, smiling, but he saw right through me. He grabbed my knee under the table, gently squeezing to comfort me before intertwining his fingers with mine.

"Well, we were talking about br-"

"Danny, not the time," Josh jeered, staring at Danny as he cut him off. Everyone went silent, questioning Josh's attitude as to what Danny was trying to say. Josh stood up suddenly, clearing his plate and walking upstairs to his room. The five of us looked at each other, then at the ground, and then all at once at me as if to say "this is your fault." I sat there a moment, hoping they'd all look away and move on from the situation, but they didn't.

"Okay, fuck, I'll go talk to him. No need to pressure me or anything," I sighed in defeat, standing up and following the curly-haired boy to his bedroom. I stopped in front of his door and took a deep breath, not wanting to face him or the repercussions of my actions.

"Josh?" I said, reluctantly knocking on his door. I heard shuffling from the other side and saw the shadow of feet standing through the crack in front of me.

"Go back down, Bel. I just don't feel well, I'm fine," he mumbled.

"Josh, come on. Talk to me."

The door opened suddenly, revealing a very pissed-off Josh. His eyes burned through mine, looking at me like he hated me; looking at me like Sam did when I saw him for the first time after five years.

"It's been a month, Bella. You did this to Sam and grade twelve and now you're doing it to me. It's not fair."

"I'm sorry," I mumbled, looking down.

He was right; I was doing to him what I did to Sam all those years ago, and I didn't know why. I was terrible when it came to confrontation, I always had been.

"Sorry isn't good enough anymore, Bella. You've done this twice now to two different people. You haven't changed a bit," He dryly chuckled, anger seeping through his words.

It was hard for me to accept that I'd fucked up, and it was even harder for me to apologize for it. I had a messy childhood and taking accountability for my mistakes was not something I had ever learned, and Josh knew that. He was there by my side when my dad refused to admit he cheated on my mom, and he was there when my mom refused to admit that she'd done the same. Josh knew why I was the way I was but it seemed like an excuse, and if there's one thing I learned throughout my parent's divorce, it was to not make excuses.

"I know. I'm bad with confrontation Josh, you know that, but that doesn't mean you don't deserve an apology," I admitted. He nodded, confirming that I indeed was horrible at confrontation, and moved his body to allow me into his room. I walked in, sitting down on his bed next to him, and swallowing hard as I turned to look him in the eye.

"I was angry," I started, "I wanted to get back at Sam, and without thinking, I kissed you. I didn't lie when I said I'd wanted to sleep with you since high school, I really did, but my timing was terrible, and ignoring you after was even worse. You've never been anything but the best friend I could ever ask for, and I used you. It was shitty and I'm genuinely so sorry."

"You actually wanted to sleep with me? Or was it just easy access?" he snapped.

"I wanted to sleep with you then, but now everything is messy. If I could take it back I would."

"I wouldn't," he admitted, avoiding my eyes. I furrowed my brows, waiting for him to go on, but he didn't.

"You wouldn't? Wouldn't you rather it not have happened and have our friendship back, though?"

"No. I'd been waiting for that moment for a long time. Even if it was superficial to you, it meant the world to me," he finally said after a moment of pondering his answer.

"Josh, I-"

"No, Bella. Let me talk. I've been falling for you since we started dating in grade ten. I loved you even after we broke up, I loved you after you broke my brother's heart, and I loved you when you broke mine. I'll always love you, Bel, and I'll always be here. Even if it means that I have to watch you be happy with someone else, I'd rather that than not have you at all."

I sat there too stunned to speak. I had no clue he felt that way for me, and I didn't know how to feel about him. Questions swam around my mind in a frenzied hurry, trying to force themselves out of my mouth but I closed my lips tight, not allowing them to push past my teeth and make matters worse by speaking before I thought things through.

I found myself questioning if I loved him too but eventually decided against it, knowing that he was nothing more than family to me, knowing that it was nothing more than sex to me, knowing that I was head over heels for Sam.

Fuck. Sam.

He'd be so mad if he knew about this conversation.

He'd never speak to Josh again.