𝐖𝐈𝐋𝐃 𝐑𝐎𝐒𝐄 - CARLISLE CULLEN

TWO

I woke up from my sleep thanks to the loud sound of the alarm, I forced my eyes open.  The glare of the morning sun forced my eyes to open, I tried to stretch my body with difficulty.  My bones hurt, but this is better than last time.  I looked around me sadly, I have to tidy up some things before going to school.

My feet stepped into the bathroom, I stopped in front of the sink mirror to see how devastated I was.  Messy brown hair, dark circles under my eyes that look puffy.  At least I can cover it with some make up.  I took a deep breath and started my bath ritual.

Not with tears this time.

After finishing cleaning myself, I slowly opened my bedroom door.  I don't want to make any fuss that will bring back screams and tears.  I passed the living room to see my mother sleeping. Much worse than me and surrounded by empty alcohol bottles.  This is what he usually does to relieve his burden.

It was just a waste, she just forgot about it temporarily and when she woke up she would realize everything and repeat the same thing again.  That's what I used to do, not anymore.  It will only make my life shorter.  I took a broom and went to the kitchen to clean the broken plates and glasses slowly so as not to make a fuss.

I was reminded of my strange dream last night.  Why do I dream of Twilight?  I know I really like it but it's weird.  The scene I saw was never shown in the movie.  It was fun it's just, I'm still confused.  I shook my head to keep those thoughts away and focused on doing this work before they woke up.

When I'm done with broken glass and plates I grab my bag and go to college, I have to graduate and get a job and then leave my whole life away from them.  I walk there its a bit far but this is better to save my money.  To be able to go to college I had to beg a thousand times to my parents, they basically hate me so they tortured me by ignoring my slowly crumbling mentality.

I never asked them to give birth to me, so why was everything spilled over me as if I wanted to?  I know it's their first time being parents, but it's also my first time being a child.  Can't I get a little affection?  I just want someone who wakes me up in the morning, makes me breakfast, someone who listens to what I hang out in school.

Am I that hard to love?

On the trip trying to smile remembering some happy memories of my childhood, there are only a few but it means a lot.  Sometimes I wonder why they only started hating me when I was 4 years old, was I that bad as a kid?

I am 22 years old and I am in the middle of my 5th semester of college, I took 8 semesters to become a lawyer.  For that I need a lot of side jobs and scholarships that I desperately pursue.

Even for that I tried to hide all my mental disorders.

Entering the campus fence I looked around me, it was very crowded and full of people.  But still I feel lonely inside of me.  It was strange to be in a crowd with the loneliness and nervousness that tormented me.  I walk with my head down slightly I'm done trying to lift my head while walking.  It's no use it just adds to the tightness in my chest, my heart always beats when in a crowd.  I'm just afraid of being rejected by people, I'm not anti-social.

I deny the fear of people's attention, stares and judgments of me.  Thinking that denying it would dispel my fears but judging by the way I am now it's just bullshit.

I entered my classroom after giving myself a thousand words of reassurance.  I sat beside an empty bench whose owner hasn't come yet, she's probably my only good friend at the moment.  After me and my boyfriend decided to end our relationship.  I've stopped expecting him to come back.

Still expecting someone to come back will only make it harder for you to forget them.  I didn't want to trouble him mentally and I knew I might just be making a stupid bet with his friends.  I decided to stop thinking about it and continue reading Twilight.  Still wondering why I had that strange, unexpected dream.