𝐖𝐈𝐋𝐃 𝐑𝐎𝐒𝐄 - CARLISLE CULLEN

TWENTY

People come and go.  Maybe that's what's currently kicking me badly.  After Cora's funeral I still couldn't stop crying over her passing.  My presence changes the future.  I should have known about this.  Butterfly Effect, one flutter of a butterfly can create a cyclone.

One small action I do could cause chaos in the future.  I thought I had created a twilight path like the one in the book.  But apparently not.  Either my own existence changed it or this world was different from the start.  I don't know.  Starting from the Cullen household, it was expanded with Alistair.  Then now, Waylon's death is replaced by Cora.

I stayed at home for two days.  Charlie thought I was too pale for school and I admitted it.  Bella told about us being followed by drunk people who made me short of breath.  That wasn't the main reason I lay in bed like a cocoon.

This is because of Cora's death.  I haven't stopped thinking about that.  My head and my heart seemed to be having a repetitive conversation.

I did the right thing.  Shut up and do nothing.

Then why does everything feel wrong?  Everything is different.

The voices in my mind came back again.  They had another conversation.  Even with loud sound the speakers couldn't drown out the sound.  I am wrong.  Why does the world keep telling me that I'm wrong?

"I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay."  I muttered while crying.

The pain in my chest is still there.  I made someone who should live die.  That shouldn't happen.  Is this really my fault?  I never expected it to be like this.  I still feel like this is my fault.

I kept quiet.  Only my mind screams loudly at the reminder of Waylon's death but I refuse to change anything.  I never belong here.  So did Nesryn.

Why am I having such a hard time controlling myself?!  "It's not my fault!"  I screamed loudly hoping no one heard me.  Along with sobs.

Even if I ask this world I don't ask for the future to change this far.

.....

Several days passed after my emotional outburst.  Everything returned to normal.  I went back to hanging out with Angela and Jessica.  Rosalie and Jasper greeted me again.  Edward seemed to look at me too often with worried eyes.

Is my mind still that noisy?  Did he read my mind?  I don't know.  Bella and him are getting closer as I thought.  They even talked in the cafeteria causing an explosion of gossip.  Do I care?  I care but what can I do to avoid that.  I was too busy crying about a future that had changed.

"Nesryn, do you know anything?"  Jessica asked.

I shook my head.  "No, it was sudden."  I lied.

Once again I was drowning in that black shadow.  Lately, my parents' voices have come back to haunt me.

"You're just bothering us with your stupid mental illness,"

"We shouldn't have you, you just add burden to our lives!"

Those two things haunt me.  I really don't want to hear that sound.  After 5 years, why does the sound come back?  Am I really that bad?  I stood up to put my tray in its place.  The voice of someone next to me made me turn around.

"Alice?"  I'm surprised.

"Hello Nes. Remember the last time we planned to visit home? Looks like we can do it tomorrow."  She said.  Ness?  It reminds me of Reneesme.  Bella hits Jacob thinking the nickname is the same as the name of the Loch Ness Monster.