If Only

Thirty

Charlotte Crawford

Over the course of two weeks, things had been going better with Nate. The communication was better and the intimacy was better. But I knew he was curious on what I had to say

Knowing that he loved me, was a relief. But the fear of him judging me filled my mind. He kept asking when I wanted to talk, but the avoidance kept me down. It got in the way at times

I know I shouldn't be afraid to open up, but it was a scar that took so much time to heal. I fucking hated my parents with every fiber of my being. I calculated a plan to take over my families company for years cutting the off not leaving a cent for them.

I had to do everything on my own. I did everything on my own just to get sucked back in again. They caused so many horrors in my life, all for the cost of my sisters protection as I lost my own. I went through the pain so she didn't have to. I covered up the scars, I hid them from him

I know the truth always comes out one way or another. But I find that phrase fucking annoying. It's always just lingering over my head. He wakes to me crying in my sleep on occasion, but he doesn't tell me. We've grown to sharing a bed but I'm a mess

I loved the feeling of being in his arms and safe, I felt that protection. I loved being able to admit that I truly did love him, though he's the most frustrating person at times

I walked downstairs to the kitchen "20 weeks today" I said and he looked over at me with concern "not happy that I'm halfway there?"

"Last night" his voice was cold in a way "you cried in my arms again last night" the tension rose and I sucked in my lips

"What happened to you" the look on his face made my eyes watered as I stared at him. He looked so worried, I definitely said things

I didn't want to, but I knew to make this relationship work fully, I had to tell him.

"Bad things happen to good people" my voice came out as a whisper "I just protected Belle"

"I always protected Belle.... but nobody protected me" I made my way back upstairs to our bed sitting on it

But he'd followed me upstairs and stood staring at me across the room "Tesoro, I need you to be honest with me"

WARNING: GRAPHIC CONTENT AHEAD
You've been warned

"The things I described with my mother and Carter was nothing" he looked at me puzzled and made his way to the chair across from me to listen to an exposed story

"My parents had a room in there house" I crossed my arms against my chest looking at the floor

"When ever I did the simplest thing, like spill water over something or say something rude as a kid, like a simple mistake" I paused "I'd be locked in it for hours, one time they left me in there for two days... they forgot about me"

"No food, no light. A small bottle of water"

"I would sleep, dream it all off but when I was woken. It was by one of my parents beating the shit out of me from something bad happening in their day, I was just 5 when it started"

"The true harm didn't start till I was older. I was cut for a punishment, I have such disturbing people for parents. Belle didn't know, she couldn't know" I tapped my fingers against my thighs