I been cooped up in the house since everything happened and honestly I liked it like this. Quiet time, no one around me to get on my nerves or try to harm me in any way. My life has been a whirl wind and I hate it sometimes. I never wanted to go through any of this. I wish things would've been different but here I am. I try to be strong for myself but it barely works.
Me being me I feel like I'm drowning in anxiety and panic. This is why I never wanna go out or do anything. I really wish I wasn't like this and I could get the courage to want to do certain things but I'm always so afraid. I get scared just seeing people in a regular. Tabitha and Chris are the only people who don't frighten me.
I haven't taken my medicine for my anxiety and I don't like to. It makes me different and I feel groggy. I don't like feeling that way. All I want is to be ok and I can't even get that. Now that I'm in therapy I need to apply what the therapist is saying to my life.
I got out of the bed walking to the kitchen. Chris and shadow were still here. I know Chris was most likely still here for Tabitha and a little for me but I didn't think shadow would've stayed. He is already scary as it is. He gives you a death stares too long and he mean mugs the hell outta you. They've been over here for the past week and a half.
I started making some coffee and breakfast. I didn't want to wake them up but it would be impossible to not make noise while cooking. After thirty minutes I was done making breakfast and my hands were tired. I didn't even have the strength to pick up a plate at the moment. I need to give myself a second before I pick up a spoon or anything.
Soon I started making plates for everyone and they ask were now waking up. I yelled out about breakfast and Tabitha's ass ran to the kitchen like she was Usain Bolt. Her hungry ass is always ready for food. You would've thought she was pregnant.
"Good morning to you too. Hungry ass." I said handing tab her plate
"Morning bestie. Thank you for the food. Because I would've never made in this time."
"No problem. I got hungry myself and since they are here as guest I wouldn't let them starve either."
"This food bussin riri. You mind if I take a plate home?" I laughed
"Yall two was mean to be. He can't stop eating or he'll die and you just wanna be a human garbage can." We all laughed looking at Chris go for a second plate with more on it
Once everyone was done eating I washed the dishes and put them up. I could feel a presence behind me making the hair on me stand up. I knew it was shadow but why was he behind me? I am already scared of him as it is. I hope he doesn't try to harm me or anything. I continued cleaning making sure not to look in his direction or his face.
When I felt him leave I calmed down and let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. After I finished with everything I ran upstairs to my room and closed the door. I grabbed a bag and did my breathing exercise. Being around him heightens my anxiety.
——————
SHADOW
I had meetings on top of meetings today that ran over the time I expected to be done. It was a lot of people looking for my business. I don't mind getting my moneys worth but I charge a lengthy price based on credibility and revenue. Everybody knows the drill when it comes to me. I don't sugar coat shit and I don't like long winded conversations.
I have some oops but I'm always several steps a head of them when it comes to a dumbass thinking he wants to try to kill me. I always make sure to have a look alike. It's more so body and height because no one knows what I look like or who I really am. The real me that the most world sees is an owner and legal business man. No one will ever be able to find out who I really am unless you want to die before you can start digging.
This past week and some change Chris been having me by Tabitha and Ariana like lost puppies. They cool and all but I don't be around females this much. Plus Ariana still scared of my ass and I know presence bothers her and makes her panic. I'm not being nobody to talk to me or interact with me. Shit be awkward and I be feeling like I'm in Chris way.
I was happy to get up outta there. I like being at my house. It's quiet and no one bothers me, unless Kim has something urgent to talk about. After all of my meetings in went to the living room to relax. Today was boring and tiring. Everybody wanted help with something and I didn't feel like talking in person so I just did zoom calls. Some of these people I will need to have a meeting in person with since I ain't never met them before.
I run a tight business and if it's your first or second time asking for a hit on someone, I need to meet you in person. And if anything goes south just know I won't be the one dead. It don't matter how many men you have shooting at me. Me and death have a great relationship with each other so choose your actions wisely because my reaction is worse.
I finished up everything I needed to do and headed to Chris house. We suppose to be going to the club today for one of our homeboy's birthday. I told him be could bring Tabitha and Ariana but I know Ariana most likely won't go. She need to go get therapy honestly. If she wants to be able to live a normal life that is without wondering if she gone get shot or some.
