We Were Blue // Completed

7//

"You think 'Okay, I get it, I'm prepared for the worst' but you hold out that small hope, see, and that's what fucks you up. That's what kills you."

-Stephen King

A wave of bittersweet emotion clings to my heart as I step into his bedroom. It's exactly how I remember it always being, and his familiar scent hangs in the air, suffocating me with every breath. My throat feels scratchy as all the memories come toppling down on top of me, they say smell is the gateway to memories, and I've never thought it was so true until this moment.

"Why did you leave?" It comes flying out of my mouth before I can think it through all the way. He blinks, but his eyes give nothing away as I try to search them for the truth. He sits down on the black comforter blanketing the bed, and lets loose a long sigh.

I can tell by the way his jaw clenches that he's going to give me some bullshit answer. A lie somehow seems so much worse when you know it's not the truth. Seconds feel like hours as I wait for his reply, causing my anxiety to sky rocket as he thinks of an answer.

"It doesn't matter," ends up being his brilliant response. My heart sags as the tiny hope for a real answer fades into nothingness. I want to know more then anything else, but I know he's not going to give me a straight answer.

I lower my eyes to the ground as my next question leaves my lips in a soft whisper. "Why didn't you at least say goodbye?" For some reason I'm positive he's about to break my heart all over again. Maybe it's the way his face pales or his eyes turn hollow, but my gut clenches at what's about to come. I want to run, but I also need to hear it.

"It wasn't worth it," My stomach churns and suddenly I want to throw up. He means I wasn't worth a goodbye, and he's done a lot of shitty things lately but this somehow stings a little worse then everything else.

How fucking stupid of me to think that he couldn't, that he didn't have the time and there was a real reason. No, I just wasn't worth his time, not even close to the top of his list of priorities. I should've known better then to think anything else even for a second.

I swallow down the pain; pushing it as far down as possible, but it still leaves a bitter taste on my tongue. Every nerve in my body wants to believe he doesn't mean it, that there's something more going on here, something bigger then the both of us. But I've learned you have to believe peoples words and actions until proven wrong. You can't let the hope drag you too far out or the pain will be worse then it already is in the end.

I ignore the need to see him as better then what he probably is and doubt begins to set in. Doubt of everything we once were, of everything we could've been. Its' the worst feeling- doubting something you were once more sure about then anything else.

Was it all just a joke to him? A game he played for fun, until he got bored and left? If he could leave so damn easily, it's hard to see how he ever felt anything real. I don't think I could've left him so easily, but I guess that's where we're different.

"Did I ever mean anything to you?" My voice is raw, like I've been screaming for hours and there's nothing left to give.

His irises are troubled, stuck between the truth and another lie, and the sad thing is I have no idea which he's going to give. Part of me wishes he had never came back. I could've fallen in love with a nice guy and never thought about Damon again. Instead he just had to come back and fuck everything up.