The Property Of: Neena Eellante | ✓ |

28. Sincerely, I'm a little less scared after writing this

I don't want to die.
That's comforting if you read it enough times.

Sometimes I wish people could hear your internal thoughts because maybe he wouldn't have done what he did today if he knew... If he could hear my head.

I went to school today, I wanted to go because the night before was so traumatic. Being alone is terrifying.

My father came into my room at around 3:30am, he looked like he hadn't slept either. His eyes dark, his shoulders hunched and his skin flushed. I couldn't speak, no tears left to cry I sat in the corner of my room hugging myself.

He walked towards me; a gentle walk that comforted me with each step.

"Where is your mother?" He had knelt down to my level like a stranger to an lost child. I shook my head as my face crumbled into a despair that I dealt with alone.

His arms. His warmth. A loving embrace that cradled my bones and broken soul.

"It's okay, Baby." He hadn't called me 'Baby' since I was about seven or six. "You're not going to do this alone."

With no sleep and a lack of soul within my body, I stumbled into the school grounds against my father's own protest. I needed to clear a few things up, I needed to tell people what I needed them to know. I needed to see their faces.

I saw Soren first.
Walking up to him was easy enough, getting his attention was harder and making audible sounds was the most troubling thing.

I had touched his cheek, he had a dark bruise over his eye. I asked him if it hurt. His response physically hurt my chest, "It's fucking painful because you're touching it."

Something broke in me. Something snapped. Everyone could judge me, I could accept that but not him. Him and I were the same...We...

I stared at him saying what I wanted everyone in that damn school to know.
It was harsh and I yelled at the only person who would listen -- who it wasn't meant for,

"You know, I ain't some blonde bitch trying to get laid. The questions I ask are out of real concern, honest." I wonder how many people who heard me, how many people believed me.

Our conversation became an escape for me to tell everyone what they needed to know. But that plan went to shit when he went off his face... he insulted me.

It hurt. It also brought a crowd to us, one that I can't decide if I wanted or not.

I am so sorry Soren if you ever read this... I don't want you to kill yourself and what I said... I was trying to tell everyone what was happening to me.

It was stupid, I know. You ended up being the only person I never got to tell how I really felt but I listened to your voice.

I took in her hair, your eyes, the shape or your jaw and the smell of your shirt. Every detail was so important. Everyone was so important...

I told him, "No one would miss you, you asshole. Everyone will be happy that you're gone. Your brothers will throw a party."

Everyone would cry if you died, I hope you know that right. I feared and still fear that no one would miss me and I just had to tell them that. I didn't need them to know what I was talking about or that it was about me... I just had to say it.

Then she came.
The Girl Of Gold.
She stood up for you and I smiled when everyone left.

The tears no one saw... They were a mixture of happiness and sadness. Sadness because that was the last time I was going to see the faces of some of the people in that school.

In happiness because I know... She will look after you. She will love you.

That brought me peace. I said sorry to a lot of people today. I said thank you to every teacher, to the lunch ladies. I fed the birds. I sat with a junior who had lost her lunch, I gave her mine.

She asked if I was hungry because I was so thin.

I laughed and said, "That's the side effects of cancer, well mine anyways. Weight Loss. So no love, you have it. Just remember to share later when someone doesn't have something you do."

She asked if I was serious.

I smiled. She didn't need the burden or pressure of knowing she was talking to someone who was not going to be on this earth much longer. She could choose to believe me or not.

Sincerely,
I'm a little less scared after writing this