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Honestly where to even start ? Last year was sooooo hectic and I was lost...I mean I still am.
2020 was a year to take in , that I wouldn't be forgetting. My OG & jujaun , left in 2020 due to my mistakes and actions.
My og didn't deserve to die like that , even though I did put her through alot. She always put up with my bullshit since I was born. It's crazy how the people you love the most leave you within a snap of a finger. She always told me " If I don't got you , God does. And if I'm not here to watch you bloom into something special and make yourself out of something with a happy family , to never give up on yourself even if I'm not there to watch."
What's crazy is.....my OG was my pops also...my pops was in my life until I was about 3 , then he vanished. Thinking about this i really appreciate the things my OG did do for me. She took care of five kids on her own plus Ray.
My OG always had a good heart and soul and live in the spirit. She love jesus and was all about him.
I still don't understand.....why my OG had to leave me like this ??
My brother mod cross my mind on a daily , thinking about the real ass conversations he use to talk to me about , how Mat , Juan, him and I all just use to just get on the L and go every damn where.
Mannn mod was my heart in a human form literally. When he left it took me years to recoup from his death. It honestly hurts having to get a phone call from a detective or somebody from the streets saying your folks been shot.
It also hurts hearing see them on the news laying in a puddle of blood.
One thing I promised mod was to never fall in his foot steps and keep my head up if he ever left my side , and to find a dude for me that gave me the same respect that he did , and love me unconditionally.
Me and tae have our ups and downs but forever will I stay by his side through better or worse without a vows being made. Sometimes I second guess the love he have for me, butI know deep down that he genuinely cares about me.
Shit I'm not gone cap, I been through hell and back with that boy. Thinking about it now ? That's really my jit. Like I never saw myself getting married of having a family with somebody. I always saw myself being alone.
Ian been through much but I been through alot. People claim they been heart broken but don't really know how this shit feel. Ion know what's really wrong with me, but since my brother left everything went down hill in my life. And everybody shut me out.
Deep down I know I'll be okay , deep down I know that there's coming to be await for me in my future. I just don't want to go through any more obstacles that's in my way to hurt or break me.
I really had put my career to the side....that's crazy. I mean I don't have a problem for tae to provide for moura , kai , kayla , and jaylen but I aslo want to be able to provide for all of us as a whole. I know he stressing and I know he need help , but he doesn't want me to help.
I always feel as if I'm the problem for these past 2 years. Last year I birth my baby girl Ka'Moura Taylor White on December 28th , which was unexpected. It hurt me the most because I could have lost my daughter by putting myself into the predicament where it would hurt us both....and I knew my consequences and I put the blame on tae.
I wanted to have a normal birth , with tae there holding my hand as my friends in the back being aggy as always , mainly with my OG being able to say "my baby had a baby" things hurt you know.
But I have to realize these rainy nights can turn into some sunny days...
